Indoda ixhoba lomfazi okhohlisayo: yiqonde kwaye woyise

Xa sithetha nge-manipulator ye-narcissistic, sihlala sicinga ngendoda ekhohlisa iqabane layo. Nangona kunjalo, amadoda anokufumana ubudlelwane obulawulayo kunye nebhinqa elikhohlisayo. Kwaye ngokufuthi bakufumanisa kunzima ngakumbi ukuyithetha, okanye kwanokuvuma kubo.

“Indoda ayinikezeli.” “Unesimilo, kuphelele apho. » “Awuzokhalazela umfazi wakho?” » Amadoda amaninzi awavile la mabinzana okanye athetha nawo. Bazivalele cwaka.

Eli nqaku lelakho ukuba uyaziqaphela kule meko, okanye ukuba uxhasa umntu omthandayo ohamba kuyo. Apho uya kufumana i-benchmarks ukuqaphela impembelelo, ukuqonda ukuba kutheni kunzima kangaka ukuthetha ngayo, kwaye uqhubele phambili ekuphumeni.

Amaxhoba angamadoda: yinyaniso leyo nangoku

Ubundlobongela basekhaya buchaphazela kakhulu abasetyhini, kwaye kubalulekile ukukhumbula oku. Kodwa loo nto ayithethi ukuba amadoda akaze abe ngamaxhoba. Ubundlobongela obungokwengqondo, ngokukodwa, abuxhomekanga kumandla omzimba: buxhomekeke kulawulo, ukuthotywa, ukuziva unetyala kunye nokuzihlukanisa.

Uphononongo olubalulekileyo olupapashwe Trauma, Ubundlobongela & Abuse (Scott-Storey et al., 2023) ibonisa ukuba amava amaxhoba angamadoda ahlala efundiweyo kwaye engaqatshelwanga, kwaye ukuba imilinganiselo malunga namava kunye nobudoda bayayilinganisa le ndlela yobundlobongela.

Ukuqonda ngcono iprofayile yaba bafazi, unokufunda inqaku lethu jikelele the narcissistic egqwethekileyo umfazi.

Indlela yokuqonda ibhinqa elinobuqhophololo kubudlelwane

Iinkqubo ziyafana nakwindoda ekhohlisayo. Ngamanye amaxesha ziimilo eziguqukayo.

Ukuthotywa kokuqina kwakho okanye impumelelo yakho

“Awuyena indoda yokwenene”, “Ufumana ngaphantsi komyeni womhlobo wam”, “Awazi ukuba wenze nantoni na ngezandla zakho”. Uhlaselo luhlala lujolise kwindima yakho njengeqabane, utata, okanye umnikezeli. Bayinxalenye yengcinga efanayo naleyo ichazwe kwinqaku lethu kwi-devaluation kwi couple.

Ulawulo lwentlalo kunye nemali

Ubeka iliso kwifowuni yakho, ugxeka abahlobo bakho, ulungiselele ukuba ungasayi kubona usapho lwakho. Ulawula imali yekhaya yedwa okanye utyhola wena ngazo zonke iindleko.

Ukusetyenziswa kwabantwana

Abantwana baba namandla: “Ukuba uyahamba, awusayi kuphinda ubabone.” Isenokukujikisa okanye ikubonise njengotata ongekhoyo okanye oyingozi.

Iingxaki kunye nokuthula

Ukutshintshana kokugqabhuka ngumsindo, iinyembezi, izinyeliso kunye nokuthula ixesha elide lokohlwaya. Awunakwazi ukuba uza kuyifumana kweyiphi imeko xa ufika ekhaya. Indlela yokuthula ichazwe kwinqaku lethu le-unyango oluthe cwaka.

Isisongelo sesityholo sobuxoki

Olu luloyiko oluxhaphakileyo phakathi kwamadoda aphantsi kwempembelelo: “Ukuba ndiyasabela, uya kuthi ndim onogonyamelo.” Esi sisongelo, xa sithetha okanye sichazwa, siyawatyhafisa kwaye siyawatyhala ukuba athabathe yonke into.

Uya kufumana ezinye iimpawu eziphathekayo kumanqaku ethu manipulative narcissist kwaye my intombi yi-narcissist egqwethekileyo.

Kutheni le nto kunzima kangaka ngendoda ukuthetha ngayo?

Uphando lokufuna uncedo ngamaxhoba angamadoda luchonga imiqobo emininzi. Uphononongo olupapashwe kwiJournal yoBundlobongela baBantu (Taylor et al., 2022) ibalaselisa ukubekwa ibala ngokwesini, uloyiko lokuphulukana nobume okanye ukuthembeka, kunye neempendulo eziphoxayo xa uqala ukucela uncedo: ukungakholelwa, ukutyhalelwa ecaleni.

Ngokuqhelekileyo, amadoda amaninzi:

• musani ukubeka igama elithi “ugonyamelo” kwizenzo zabo, kuba akukho mibetho;
• boyika ukuhlekwa ngabahlobo okanye yintsapho;
• uloyiko lokuphulukana nabantwana babo ukuba bayahlukana;
• bazive benoxanduva “lokugcina” ubudlelwane babo okanye iqabane labo;
• cinga ukuba indoda ifanele ukukwazi ukuyithabatha.

Akukho nanye kwezi ekwenza ube yindoda ebuthathaka. Ungumntu osesichengeni sobundlobongela obuphindaphindiweyo, kwaye indlela osabela ngayo iqhelekile.

Ixhoba lokwenyani okanye ukuguqulwa: indlela yokuxelela umahluko?

Lo ngumbuzo obuthathaka, kodwa uyimfuneko. Abantu abakhohlisayo bahlala bezibonakalisa njengamaxhoba eqabane labo. Indoda enobundlobongela inokuthi ixhoba lomfazi “o-hysterical”. Owasetyhini okhohlisayo unokuphinda ajike iindima. Uyifumana njani indlela yakho apho?

Nazi izikhokelo ezinyanisekileyo onokuzisebenzisa kuwe:

• Uloyiko: Ngaba uyoyika indlela asabela ngayo ukusa kwinqanaba lokutshintsha indlela oziphatha ngayo, amazwi akho, izinxulumani zakho?
• Adaptation: ehlala ilungelelanisa ukuphepha iingxabano? Ngubani ohamba kumaqokobhe amaqanda?
• Ukuzimela: Ngubani olawula imali, ukuphuma, umnxeba, ubudlelwane kunye nosapho?
• Question:Ngaba uyakwazi ukuzivuma iimpazamo zakho? Ingaba ngu?
• Empathy: Ngaba unexhala malunga nendlela aziva ngayo, nangoku? Ngaba iyahambelana?

Ixhoba lokwenene lidla ngokuzithandabuza, lizibuze ukuba liyabaxa kusini na, lijonge isabelo salo soxanduva. Lowo ukhohlisayo, ngokuchaseneyo, uhlala ezibonakalisa njengomntu ongenakusoleka kwaye ubeka lonke ityala komnye. Ukuba ufunda eli nqaku ngokunyanisekileyo uzibuza ukuba ngaba wena ngokwakho uyingxaki, luphawu lokholo oluhle.

Ukuba uyathandabuza, ingcali (ingcali yengqondo, umbutho) inokukunceda uhlalutye ukuguquka kobudlelwane bakho ngombono wangaphandle.

Uluhlu lokukhangela: amanyathelo okuphuma kuwo

1. Beka amagama kwizinto ohlangabezana nazo. Ubundlobongela obungokwengqondo, ukulawula, ukuthotywa: la magama ayasebenza nakumadoda.
2. Qhatha ukuba wedwa. Thetha nomhlobo, umzalwana, ugqirha. Khetha umntu ongayi kunciphisa.
3. Gcina iirekhodi. Imiyalezo, ii-imeyile, amanqaku anomhla, izatifikethi zonyango. Oku kubaluleke ngakumbi ukuba unenkxalabo malunga nezityholo zobuxoki.
4. Musa ukuphendula xa ucatshukiswa. Ukuba ufuna ukwenza ugqabhuke, suka uhambe ngokwasemzimbeni: phuma, hamba uhambe. Ukuzola kwakho kukukhusela.
5. Zazise malunga namalungelo akho. Imilinganiselo echasene nobundlobongela basekhaya (isikhalazo, ihandrail, umyalelo wokhuseleko) iyasebenza nokuba ungowaluphi na uhlobo lwesini. Ifayile Conjugal violence from service-public.fr ibonisa kubo.
6. Cinga ngabantwana bakho. Ukuba uceba ukuhamba, qhagamshelana negqwetha kwangaphambili, ukuze ulungiselele amalungelo okuhlala nawokutyelela phantsi kweemeko ezilungileyo.
7. Fumana inkxaso. Isazi ngengqondo, umqeqeshi, iqela lenkxaso: inkxaso yangaphandle ikunceda ukuba uqhubeke uhamba ngexesha.
8. Lungiselela ukuhamba ukuba kuyimfuneko. Indawo yokuhlala, imali, amaxwebhu. Umzuzu wokuhamba udla ngokuba ngumzuzwana wengxwabangxwaba, yilungiselele.

Ukuba ukwinqanaba lokuzibuza ukuba lixesha lokuhamba na, inqaku lethu elithi elibangela ukushiya umfazi wakho linokukunceda ubone izinto ngokucacileyo. Kwaye inqaku lethu elithi Umyeni we-narcissist egqwethekileyo ichaza ngokweenkcukacha ubomi bemihla ngemihla bala madoda.

Emva kokwahlukana: ukuzakha kwakhona njengendoda

Ukushiya ubudlelwane obulawulayo akupheli ngokukhawuleza imiphumo yako. Amadoda amaninzi achaza, kwiinyanga ezilandelayo, umxube wokukhululeka, unetyala kunye nokungabi nanto. Abanye abantu bayaqhubeka ukuva izigxeko zabo zangaphambili kwiqabane labo kwiintloko zabo. Abanye bayasokola ukuphinda bamthembe.

Iingongoma ezimbalwa zereferensi zinokunceda:

• Limit exchanges kwinto eyimfuneko ngokungqongqo, ngakumbi ukuba kukho abantwana: imiyalezo ebhaliweyo, emfutshane, eyinyani.
• Phinda ufumane iibheringi zakho zangaphambili: abahlobo abalahlekileyo, ezemidlalo, izinto obuzishiyileyo.
• Yamkela ukuba awuyi kulunga kwangoko. Usizi, umsindo, kunye nokudinwa yinxalenye yenkqubo.
• Musa ukushiywa wedwa nemibuzo yakho. Isazi ngengqondo okanye iqela lenkxaso likunceda ukuba uqonde okwenzekileyo, ngaphandle kweentloni.

Ukwakha kwakhona kuthatha ixesha. Kodwa amadoda amaninzi adlule koku afumana ubomi obunoxolo, ubudlelwane obunempilo kunye nokuzithemba okunamandla kunangaphambili.

Ii-FAQs

Ngaba ngenene indoda inokuba lixhoba lomfazi onesigantsontso, okhohlisayo?

Ewe. Ubundlobongela ngokwasengqondweni akuxhomekekanga kumandla omzimba okanye kwisini. Isekelwe kulawulo, ukukhohlisa kunye nokuthotywa, leyo nabani na anokuyisebenzisa okanye ahlupheke.

Ngubani omele uqhagamshelane naye xa ulixhoba eliyindoda?

Inombolo yoncedo lwexhoba lesizwe 116 006 (elawulwa yi-France Victimes) ivulelekile kuwo onke amaxhoba, kubandakanywa namadoda. Ugqirha wakho okhoyo unokukukhokela. Kwimeko yengozi, fowunela u-17 okanye u-112.

Ndiyoyika ukuba angandityhola ngobundlobongela ukuba ndiyahamba. Kwenziwe ntoni?

Gcina irekhodi ebhaliweyo yayo yonke into, hlala uzolile ngamaxesha onke, kwaye udibane negqwetha phambi kokuba uthathe inyathelo. Izalamane eziyaziyo imeko yakho nazo zinokungqina.

Ngaba kuya kwenzeka ukuba ndizama ngakumbi?

Kubudlelwane obulawulayo, imizamo yeqabane elinye iyodwa ayanelanga. Okukhona uziqhelanisa, kokukhona ziya zisanda iimfuno. Utshintsho luza ngomgama okanye ngokubuza abanye ngokwenene, kukhatshwa yingcali.

Ukuququmbela

Ukuba yindoda phantsi kwempembelelo yomfazi okhohlisayo akukho nto inokuba neentloni ngayo. Yimeko yobundlobongela, efanele ukuqatshelwa nokuxhaswa njengazo zonke ezinye. Inyathelo lokuqala, elisoloko lilelona linzima, kukuthetha ngalo.

Akunyanzelekanga ukuba uyithwale wedwa le nto. Ukuba ufuna indawo ukuze uqonde into ohamba kuyo kwaye uphinde wakhe ukuzithemba kwakho, ungafumana inkxaso enikwa amaxhoba okuxhaphaza i-narcissistic, amadoda kunye nabasetyhini.

Ngalo naliphi na inyathelo lomthetho, qhagamshelana negqwetha okanye umbutho oxhasa amaxhoba. Ukuba impilo yakho ichaphazelekayo, qhagamshelana nogqirha okanye isazi sengqondo. Kwimeko yengozi: 17 okanye 112; 3919 (Violences Femmes Info) ijoliswe ikakhulu kwabasetyhini, 116 006 kuwo onke amaxhoba.

Imithombo

• Scott-Storey K. et al. (2023). Kuthekani Ngamadoda? Uphononongo oluBalulekileyo lwamava aMadoda oBundlobongela baMaqabane obuNtandayo. Ukwenzakala, Ubundlobongela & Abuse.
• UTaylor J.C. et al. (2022). Izithintelo kuNcedo lwaMadoda Ukufuna ubuNdlobongela baMaqabane obusenyongweni. Ijenali yobundlobongela phakathi kwabantu.
• Service-public.fr. Ubundlobongela basekhaya.
• France Victimes, inombolo yoncedo lwexhoba lesizwe 116 006.