Male victims of female narcissists: recognising the signs and finding a way out

When we talk about narcissists, we often picture a man manipulating his partner. However, men can also experience an abusive relationship with a manipulative woman. And they often find it even harder to talk about it, or even admit it to themselves.

“A man doesn’t let himself be pushed around.” “She’s got a strong personality, that’s all.” “You’re not going to complain about your wife, are you?” Many men have heard these phrases or said them to themselves. They trap them in silence.

This article is for you if you recognize yourself in this situation, or if you are supporting a loved one who is experiencing it. You will find guidance on recognizing coercive control, understanding why it is so difficult to talk about, and moving towards a way out.

Male victims: a still taboo reality

Domestic violence primarily affects women, and it’s important to remember that. But that doesn’t mean men are never victims. Psychological violence, in particular, doesn’t rely on physical force: it’s based on control, humiliation, guilt-tripping, and isolation.

A critical review published in Trauma, Violence & Abuse (Scott-Storey et al., 2023) shows that the experiences of male victims remain understudied and underrecognized, and that norms of masculinity weigh heavily on how they experience and recount these acts of violence.

To better understand the profile of these women, you can read our general article on the female narcissist.

How to recognize a narcissistic woman in a relationship

The mechanisms are the same as in a manipulative man. Sometimes it’s the forms that change.

The devaluation of your masculinity or your success

“You’re not a real man,” “You earn less than my girlfriend’s husband,” “You can’t do anything with your hands.” These attacks often target your role as partner, father, or provider. They follow the same logic as that described in our article on devaluation within the couple.

Social and financial control

She monitors your phone, criticizes your friends, and arranges for you to stop seeing your family. She manages the household finances single-handedly or criticizes every single expense.

The use of children

The children become leverage: “If you leave, you won’t see them anymore.” She can also turn them against you or portray you as an absent or dangerous father.

Crises and silence

Alternating between outbursts of anger, tears, reproaches, and long, punishing silences. You never know what state you’ll find her in when you get home. The mechanism of silence is described in our article on the silent treatment.

The threat of false accusation

It’s a common fear among men under the influence of their partner: “If I react, she’ll say that I’m the violent one.” This threat, whether spoken or implied, paralyzes them and forces them to endure everything.

You will find other concrete signs in our articles narcissist and My girlfriend is a narcissist..

Why is it so difficult for a man to talk about it?

Research on male victims’ help-seeking behavior identifies several obstacles. A study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence (Taylor et al., 2022) highlights gender-related stigmatization, the fear of losing status or credibility, and disappointing responses to initial requests for help: not being believed, being ostracized.

In practical terms, many men:

• They do not use the word “violence” to describe what they experience, because there are no blows;
• are afraid of being ridiculed by their friends or family;
• fear losing their children if they separate;
• feel responsible for “saving” their relationship or partner;
• they think a man should be able to take a hit.

None of this makes you a weak man. You are a human being exposed to repeated violence, and your reactions are normal.

Genuine victim or turncoat: how to tell the difference?

It’s a delicate but necessary question. Manipulative people very often present themselves as victims of their partners. An abusive man might claim to be the victim of a “hysterical” woman. A manipulative woman might also reverse the roles. How can we navigate this?

Here are some honest guidelines for you to apply to yourself:

• Fear: Are you so afraid of his reaction that you change your behavior, your words, your friends?
• The adaptation: Who constantly adapts to avoid conflict? Who walks on eggshells?
• Autonomy: Who controls the money, the outings, the phone, the relationships with the family?
• The questioning: Are you capable of admitting your mistakes? Is she?
• Empathy: Are you worried about how she feels, even now? Is it mutual?

A true victim tends to doubt themselves, to wonder if they’re exaggerating, to look for their share of responsibility. The manipulator, on the other hand, often presents themselves as irreproachable and places all the blame on the other person. If you’re reading this article and honestly asking yourself if you might be the problem yourself, that’s actually a sign of good faith.

If in doubt, a professional (psychologist, association) can help you analyze the dynamics of your relationship with an outside perspective.

Checklist: the steps to get through this

1. Put words to what you are experiencing. Psychological violence, control, humiliation: these terms also apply to men.
2. Break the isolation. Talk to a friend, a brother, a doctor. Choose someone who won’t minimize the issue.
3. Keep track of things. Messages, emails, dated notes, medical certificates. This is particularly important if you fear false accusations.
4. Do not respond to provocation. If she tries to make you explode, physically distance yourself: go outside, go for a walk. Your calm will protect you.
5. Learn about your rights. The procedures for addressing domestic violence (filing a complaint, reporting it to the police, protection order) apply regardless of your gender. (See the information sheet.) Domestic violence information from service-public.fr present them.
6. Think of your children. If you are planning to leave, consult a lawyer beforehand to arrange residence and visitation rights in good conditions.
7. Get someone to accompany you. Psychologist, coach, support group: external support helps you to persevere in the long term.
8. Prepare for departure if necessary. Accommodation, finances, documents. The time of departure is often a stressful time, so prepare for it.

If you’ve reached the point of wondering whether it’s time to leave, our article the trigger to leave his wife can help you see things more clearly. And our article husband of a narcissist describes in more detail the daily lives of these men.

After the separation: rebuilding oneself as a man

Leaving an abusive relationship doesn’t immediately end its effects. Many men describe, in the months that follow, a mixture of relief, guilt, and emptiness. Some continue to hear their ex-partner’s criticisms in their heads. Others struggle to trust again.

A few guidelines can help:

• Limit exchanges to the bare minimum, especially if there are children: written messages, short, factual.
• Get back into your old routine : friends you’ve lost touch with, sports, activities you had given up.
• Accept that you may not be well right away. Sadness, anger, and fatigue are part of the process.
• Don’t stay alone with your questions. A psychologist or a support group helps you understand what happened, without shame.

Rebuilding one’s life takes time. But many men who have gone through this find a more peaceful life, healthier relationships, and stronger self-confidence than before.

FAQ

Can a man truly be a victim of a narcissistic and perverse woman?

Yes. Psychological violence is not dependent on physical strength or gender. It is based on control, manipulation, and humiliation, which anyone can exert or suffer.

Who should a male victim turn to?

The national victim support number 116 006 (operated by France VictimsThis service is open to all victims, including men. Your doctor can also provide guidance. In case of danger, call 17 or 112.

I’m afraid she’ll accuse me of violence if I leave. What should I do?

Keep a written record of everything, remain calm in all circumstances, and consult a lawyer before taking any action. Relatives who are familiar with your situation can also provide testimony.

Will it work if I make more of an effort?

In an abusive relationship, the efforts of one partner alone are not enough. The more you adapt, the more demands increase. Change requires either creating distance or a genuine self-examination of the other person, guided by a professional.

Conclusion

There’s nothing shameful about being a man under the control of a manipulative woman. It’s a situation of violence that deserves to be recognized and addressed like any other. The first step, often the hardest, is to talk about it.

You don’t have to carry this alone. If you need a space to understand what you’re going through and rebuild your confidence, you can discover The support offered to victims of narcissistic manipulationmen as well as women.

For any legal action, contact a lawyer or a victim support organization. If your health is affected, consult a doctor or psychologist. In case of danger: 17 or 112; 3919 (Violences Femmes Info) is primarily for women, 116 006 is for all victims.

Sources

• Scott-Storey K. et al. (2023). What About the Men? A Critical Review of Men’s Experiences of Intimate Partner ViolenceTrauma, Violence & Abuse.
• Taylor JC et al. (2022). Barriers to Men’s Help Seeking for Intimate Partner Violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence.
• Service-public.fr. Domestic violence.
• France Victims, national victim assistance number 116 006.