Ukuthotywa kwexabiso: “Unobuntununtunu kakhulu”, “awunaburharha”… iintetho ezitshabalalisayo.

“Unobuntununtunu kakhulu.” “Ngenene awunabo uburharha. “Kwakhona, uyayibaxa.” “Zithathwe nganye nganye, ezi zivakalisi zibonakala zingenatyala.” Uphindaphinda amaxesha amaninzi ngeveki, iinyanga okanye iminyaka, bagqibela ngokwenza umfanekiso ongeyonyani kuwe: obuthathaka, umntu ontsokothileyo, ongazange alunge ngokwaneleyo.

Lo ngumgaqo wokuthotywa kwexabiso kubudlelwane kunye ne-narcissistic manipulator. Akabetheli kakhulu, ubetha rhoqo. Kwaye yiyo kanye le nto kunzima kangaka ukubona kwaye emva koko unike igama.

Kweli nqaku, uya kufunda ukuqonda ezona ndlela ziqhelekileyo zokuhla, uqonde ukuba zivelisa ntoni na kuwe, kwaye ngaphezulu kwazo zonke ufumane iindlela ezibambekayo zokuzikhusela.

Yintoni ukuhla kwexabiso kubudlelwane?

Ukuthotywa kwexabiso ngawo onke amagama, izimo zengqondo kunye nokuthula ezijolise ekunciphiseni ixabiso lomntu emehlweni abo. Kubudlelwane obuphilileyo, kwenzeka ukuba senzakalise kakubi omnye komnye. Siyayiqonda, siyaxolisa, siyayilungisa. Kubudlelwane bolawulo, ukuhla kwexabiso kuba yinkqubo: ihlala rhoqo, ihlala ijolise kumntu ofanayo kwaye ayinikeli naluphi na ukulungiswa okunyanisekileyo.

Ugqirha wengqondo uMarie-France Hirigoyen, owazisa umbono we-narcissistic manipulator eFransi ngencwadi yakhe. Le harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien (1998), uyichaza kakuhle le ndlela: umhlaseli akayihlaseli into oyenzayo, kodwa into oyiyo. Akatsho ukuba “esi sitya sinetyuwa kakhulu”, uthi “awazi ukwenza nantoni na ngokufanelekileyo”.

Abaphandi abaphonononga ubundlobongela obungokwengqondo kwizibini ezitshatileyo baluchaza njengohlobo lokuxhatshazwa ngokwalo, kunye nemiphumo yalo kwimpilo yengqondo, nangaphandle kokubethwa. Uphononongo olupapashwe ku-Qindlobongela kunye namaxhoba (iKarakurt kunye neSilivere, 2013) ilinganisa ukuxhatshazwa ngokweemvakalelo kumacala aliqela, kubandakanywa ukubekwa wedwa kunye nokuthotywa (ukujongelwa phantsi, ukuthotywa), kwaye ibonisa ukuba ichaphazela abasetyhini kunye namadoda.

Ukuba ufuna ukusiqonda ngcono isimo sengqondo sokuphakama esihlala sihamba nala mazwi, funda kwakhona inqaku lethu ku-ukuziphatha okuzithobayo.

Amabinzana atshabalalisayo: indlela yokuwaqaphela

Ukuhla kwexabiso akufane kuthathe uhlobo lwesithuko esicacileyo. Ifihla emva koburharha, “i-candor” okanye inkxalabo. Nazi iintsapho zezivakalisi esizifumana rhoqo.

1. Amagqabantshintshi ngovakalelo lwakho

“Unovelwano kakhulu”, “Uthatha yonke into ngendlela engalunganga”, “Asinakukuxelela nto”. La mabinzana anomsebenzi othile: ukuguqula impendulo yakho esemthethweni ibe yingxaki. Ayisengawo amazwi akhe ahlabayo aphakamisa imibuzo, yimvakalelo yakho.

Ngokuhamba kwexesha, ufunda ukuthula ukuze “ungenzi ingxabano”. Kwaye iqabane lingaqhubeka ngaphandle kokuzibuza.

2. “Iziqhulo” ezingezizo iziqhulo

“Awunaburharha”, “Ibiyinto nje yokuzonwabisa”, “awusoze uqonde isidanga sesibini”. Intlekisa iphoswa ngapha nangapha, rhoqo phambi kwabanye abantu, ize iphinde ihlelwe njengentlekisa nje ukuba uqhankqalaze.

Uvavanyo oluhle: ihlaya lokwenyani libenza bahleke bobabini. Ukuba usoloko ujongwe kwaye nguwe wedwa ongahlekiyo, ayingomdlalo lowo.

3. Uthelekiso

“Umntu wam wangaphambili wayekwazi ukupheka”, “Jonga ukuba ungcono kangakanani udade wakho”, “Abanye abafazi bamaqabane am basebenza kwaye banakekele indlu”. Ukuthelekisa kuseka ingcamango yokuba usoloko ukhuphisana kwaye usoloko ulahlekelwa.

4. Ukugxekwa ngomzimba wakho, izakhono zakho, ubukrelekrele bakho

“Uye watyeba, akunjalo?” », “Yiyeke, ndiya kuyenza, uya kuphinda ulahlekelwe yonke into”, “Awuyi kuqonda”. La magqabaza achukumisa imimandla esondele kakhulu yokuzixabisa. Badla ngokutyisa aukungazithembi kwesi sibiniebingekho phambi kobudlelwane.

5. Ukudelela okwenziwa ngomlomo

Ukuncwina xa uthetha, amehlo ajonge esibhakabhakeni, intsini, kwathi cwaka. Ukuhla kwexabiso akusoloko kufuna amagama. Inokuza ngenxa yesimo sengqondo, nto leyo eyenza kube nzima ngakumbi ukungqina okanye ukucacisela abo bakungqongileyo.

6. Ukubuza imbono yakho

“Uyayenza,” “Andizange ndiyithethe loo nto,” “Unengxaki yememori.” Apha, i-devaluation ijoyina i-gaslighting: awusahlaselwa kuphela kwiimpawu zakho, kodwa ngokukwazi kwakho ukubona inyaniso. Siqokelele eyona mizekelo ixhaphakileyo kwinqaku lethu typical amabinzana okukhanyisa igesi.

Kutheni i-narcissistic manipulator ithoba ixabiso?

Kuyahenda ukukhangela isizathu ekuziphatheni kwakho: “Ukuba ndenze ngcono, uya kuyeka.” » Akunjalo. Ukuthotywa kwexabiso kusabela kwiimfuno zomntu okwenzayo, hayi iziphoso zakho.

• Ukuziva uphezulu. Ukwehlisa abanye kukuvumela ukuba uziphakamise ngaphandle komgudu. Okona “umncinci” unjalo, kokukhona uziva emkhulu.
• Gcina ulawulo. Umntu othandabuzayo akanakufane ahambe, angaceli umngeni, angabi nakucela uncedo.
• Isolate. Ukuba uqinisekile ukuba “ubuthathaka kakhulu”, uya kuthandabuza ukuthetha ngezinto ohlangabezana nazo kunye nabo basondeleyo kuwe.
• Unload. Ukukhathazeka kwakhe, iintsilelo zakhe kunye nokuba buthathaka kwakhe kucingelwa kuwe.

Le profayile siyifumana kumntu ohlala ejongela phantsi abanye. Ukuya phambili kwisigama kunye neeprofayili, bona inqaku lethu Umbiza njani umntu obeka abanye phantsi.

Yintoni eveliswa kukuhla kwexabiso kuwe

Ukuhla kwexabiso kusebenza njengethontsi lamanzi elityeni. Akukho gqabaza elinye lanele ukukwenzakalisa. Kukuqokelelana okuguqula indlela ozijonga ngayo.

Ezona ziphumo zixhaphakileyo:

• uyazithandabuza izigqibo zakho, kwanezona zilula;
• uyibona kwangaphambili indlela aza kusabela ngayo ngaphambi kokuba uthethe okanye unxibe;
• uhlala ucela uxolo, ngamanye amaxesha ngezinto ezingelotyala lakho;
• awusamazi umntu owawunguye phambi kobudlelwane;
• uziva uxhalabile, ukudinwa, ingxaki yokulala;
• ugqiba ukuphindaphinda amabinzana akhe entloko yakho: “Ndiyinkunkuma”, “Ndinomdla kakhulu”.

Le ngongoma yokugqibela ibalulekile. Xa ilizwi elibalulekileyo lomnye liba lilizwi lakho langaphakathi, impembelelo inokuqhubeka nokungabikho kwabo. Uphando ngolawulo olunyanzelwayo luqinisekisa ezi mpembelelo: uhlalutyo lwemeta olupapashwe kwi-Trauma, Ubundlobongela & Abuse (Lohmann et al., 2024) inxulumanisa olu hlobo lobundlobongela kunye neempawu zokudakumba kunye noxinzelelo lwasemva koxinzelelo.

Ezi ziphumo azikho uphawu lobuthathaka. Ziyimpendulo eqhelekileyo yomntu evezwe kubundlobongela obuphindaphindiweyo. Ukuqonda yonke indlela, funda ifayile yethu ku-ubundlobongela bokuziphatha kwe-narcissistic pervert.

Ukuphawula okungaqondakaliyo okanye ukuhla kwexabiso: indlela yokuwuchaza umahluko?

Wonke umntu unokuthetha ibinzana elibuhlungu ngosuku oludiniweyo. Umahluko ufika kwiikhrayitheriya ezimbalwa ezilula.

• I-frequency: inkcazo eyodwa, okanye ukuhamba rhoqo?
• Ekujoliswe kuko: Ngaba izigxeko zinxulumene nesenzo esithile, okanye kumntu wakho ephela?
• Indlela osabela ngayo xa usithi ibuhlungu kuwe: uxolo olunyanisekileyo kunye nokutshintsha, okanye ukugculelwa, ukukhanyela kunye nokuhlaselwa?
• Ukungalingani: ungathetha okufanayo kuye ngaphandle kokubangela ingxaki?
• Imeko yakho: Ngaba uziva umncinci, uxinezelekile, uwedwa njengoko iinyanga zihamba?

Ukuba uphendula ngokuthi “rhoqo”, “umntu wam”, “ukukhanyela”, “hayi” kunye no “ewe”, akusekho nzima.

Uluhlu lokutshekisha: Amanyathelo asi-8 okuzikhusela ekuthotyweni kwexabiso

Awukwazi ukutshintsha enye. Kwelinye icala, unokuphinda ulawule okokokwakho: imbono yakho, imida yakho kunye nabo bakungqongileyo.

1. Bhala phantsi ezi zivakalisi. Gcina incwadana (iphepha okanye isicelo esikhuselekileyo) enomhla, isivakalisi kanye nomxholo. Oku kukunceda ukuba uphume kwizinto ezingacacanga kwaye ukhangele ukuba “awuyibaxisi”.
2. Chaza okwenzekayo kuwe. “Oku kukuhla kwexabiso.» Ukubeka nje igama kuyayiphula inxalenye yesiphumo.
3. Musa ukuzithethelela ngokungapheliyo. Isivakalisi esifutshane sanele: “Andivumi” okanye “Le ntetha iyandikhathaza”. Akukho mfuneko yakukholisa.
4. Yala isakhelo soburharha. “Ayiyonto ihlekisayo kum. » Akunyanzelekanga ukuba uhleke ukubonisa ukuba unoburharha.
5. Yakha kwakhona ilizwi langaphakathi elilungileyo. Kwibinzana ngalinye elithoba isidima olibhala phantsi, bhala ecaleni kwalo oko umhlobo onenkathalo ebeya kukuthetha kuwe.
6. Qhagamshelana kwakhona nabantu obathandayo. Thetha nomntu omnye okanye ababini obathembileyo. Imbono yangaphandle liyeza elinamandla.
7. Fumana inkxaso. Ingcali yezengqondo, ingcali yokunyanga okanye umbutho okhethekileyo unokukunceda ulungise oko uhlangabezana nako.
8. Vavanya ukhuseleko lwakho. Ukuba amagama ahamba kunye nezisongelo, ulawulo lwemisebenzi yakho okanye imali, okanye izijekulo ezinobundlobongela, imeko inzima kakhulu kwaye ifuna uncedo olukhawulezayo.

Uthini umthetho eFransi

Ukuhlaziywa okuphindaphindiweyo kunokwenza i-harassment yokuziphatha phakathi kwesibini, echazwe kwinqaku lama-222-33-2-1 le-Penal Code. Esi senzo solwaphulo-mthetho sichaphazela izimvo eziphindaphindiweyo okanye ukuziphatha okuthoba iimeko zokuhlala zexhoba kunye nokuguqula impilo yabo yomzimba okanye yengqondo, nokuba liqabane, umntu ohlala naye, iqabane le-PACS okanye iqabane langaphambili.

Ifayile esemthethweni Ubundlobongela basekhaya kwinkonzo yoluntu.fr inika iinkcukacha ngeenkqubo ezinokubakho: i-handrail, isikhalazo, umyalelo wokhuseleko. Amanqaku akho omhla, imiyalezo ebhaliweyo kunye nobungqina obuvela kubantu obathandayo bunokuba luncedo.

Ngalo naliphi na inyathelo lomthetho, qhagamshelana negqwetha okanye umbutho oxhasa amaxhoba, onokuhlalutya imeko yakho ethile.

Ii-FAQs

“Unobuntununtunu kakhulu”: ngaba oku kukukhohlisa?

Akuyomfuneko ukuba isivakalisi sibekwe sodwa size silandelwe kukuphulaphula ngokwenene. Iba kukukhohlisa xa isebenza ngokucwangcisiweyo ukutshayela iimvakalelo zakho kwaye uphephe nayiphi na imibuzo.

Ndimphendula njani umntu ondibeka phantsi ngaphandle kokuxabana?

Yigcine imfutshane kwaye iyinyani: “Andivumi” emva koko utshintshe isihloko okanye ushiye igumbi. Ngomntu onenkohliso, akukho magama agqibeleleyo athintela uhlaselo. Injongo kukukhusela, kungekhona ukuphumelela kwingxabano.

Ngaba ukuhla kwexabiso kunokuyeka ukuba ndiyatshintsha?

Akunjalo. Iyaziphumeza iintswelo zomntu oyiqheliselayo. Okukhona uziqhelanisa, kokukhona iimfuno ziguquka. Utshintsho oluhlala luhleli luvela kumntu owenza ukuthoba ixabiso, ukuba ukhetha ukufumana uncedo, okanye kumgama owubekayo.

Ngaba ukuzithemba kwam kunokwakhiwa kwakhona?

Ewe. Ngexesha, inkxaso kunye nokuqeqesha rhoqo, ilizwi elingaphakathi elibalulekileyo lilahlekelwa amandla alo. Abantu abaninzi bafumana umfanekiso wokuzithemba ngakumbi kunangaphambili kobudlelwane.

Ukuququmbela

Ukuhla kwexabiso lugonyamelo oluthe cwaka, kodwa alunakuphepheka. Amabinzana athi “ubuthathaka kakhulu” okanye “awunaburharha” awathethi nto ngawe. Bathetha kakhulu malunga nendlela omnye umntu ekufuneka akubone ngayo ukuze uzive ngathi ukhona.

Qala ngokubhala phantsi, ukuthiya nokuthetha. Ezi zizenzo ezintathu ezilula ezinika isithuba kumbono wakho. Kwaye ukuba uziva ngathi ufuna inkxaso ukuze uphinde uqiniseke kwaye ucace, ungafumanisa inkxaso enikezelwa kumaxhoba e-narcissistic perverts.

Le ngcebiso ayithathi indawo yeengcebiso zengcali yezempilo: ukuba ukuziphatha kwakho okanye ukulala kwakho kuchaphazeleka ngokusisigxina, qhagamshelana nodokotela okanye isazi sengqondo. Kwimeko yengozi, fowunela 3919 (Violences Femmes Info, simahla kwaye engaziwa), 17 okanye 112.

Imithombo

• Karakurt G., Silver K. E. (2013). Ukuxhatshazwa ngokweemvakalelo kubudlelwane obusondeleyo: indima yesini kunye nobudala. Ubundlobongela kunye namaxhoba.
• Lohmann S. et al. (2024). I-Trauma kunye neMpilo yengqondo yeempembelelo zoLawulo oluQhelekileyo: Ukuphononongwa okuCwangcisiweyo kunye nohlalutyo lweMeta. Ukwenzakala, Ubundlobongela & Abuse.
• Service-public.fr, Ubundlobongela basekhaya.
• Hirigoyen M.-F. (1998). Le harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien. Syros.