Ukuxhomekeka

Wamkelekile kolu phononongo olunzulu lwengcamango yokuxhomekeka, igama elisoloko likhankanywa kumxholo wobudlelwane be-narcissistic. Nangona eli gama lihlala livela kwiibhlog, iividiyo kunye neengxoxo, intsingiselo yalo ngamanye amaxesha ihlala ingacacanga kwabaninzi. Eli nqaku lijolise ekucaciseni le ngcamango, ngelixa lihlola iimpembelelo zalo kumxholo wobudlelwane be-narcissistic kunye ne-dynamics yabo enzima.

Yintoni i-Codependency?

Igama elithi “ukuxhomekeka” kwaqala kwavela kuncwadi lweklinikhi malunga nokuba likhoboka, ngakumbi kwiinkqubo ezinamanyathelo ali-12 ezinje ngoTywala ongaziwayo. Ibhekisa kwipatheni yobudlelwane apho umntu akhanyela iimfuno zakhe zokugxila ngokukodwa kwezo zeqabane, ngokufuthi oko kubenzakalisa impilo yakhe yobuqu. Oku kuziphatha kunokuthatha uhlobo “lokuhlangula,” ukukhanyela, okanye ukuzithoba okugqiba ukomeleza iipatheni ezitshabalalisayo.

Ngo-1986, uGqr Tim Cermak uzame ukuba ne-codependency eqatshelwe njengengxaki yobuntu kwi-DSM, nangona ingazange yenziwe ngokusemthethweni. Ngokutsho kwakhe, ukuxhomekeka kuphawulwe ngu:

• Ukuzithemba okuphantsi kuxhomekeke kubudlelwane obuyityhefu.
• Ukungaphumeleli ukuseka i-imida ecacileyo.
• Ixhala lokuhlukana.
• Ukuziphatha okunyanzelekileyo kunye ne-hypervigilance rhoqo.
• Imbali rhoqo yokwenzakala, okufana nokuxhatshazwa ngokwasemzimbeni okanye ngokwesondo.

Ukuxhomekeka kunye noBudlelwane beNarcissistic

Kumxholo wobudlelwane be-narcissistic, ukuxhomekeka kuba ngumbono okhohlisayo. Ngelixa abanye becebisa ukuba amaqabane ee-narcisists angabaxhasi abanegalelo kumjikelo onetyhefu, olu luvo lunokuthi ngokungafanelekanga lubalele uxanduva oluthile kubo. Nangona kunjalo, iimpawu ezithile zokuxhomekeka, njengokuxhalaba okanye utyekelo lokunciphisa iingxaki, ngokuqinisekileyo zikho.

Imingcipheko yeleyibhile “Yoxhomekeko”

Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuba ukunciphisa i-narcissistic dynamics kwi-codependency kunokunciphisa. Oku kusemngciphekweni:

1. Bek’ ityala amaxhoba ngemeko yawo.
2. Baqinisekise ukuba abanawo amandla okutshintsha imeko yabo.
3. Ukungahoyi izizathu ezintsonkothileyo zokuba kutheni behlala kobu budlelwane (imeko yezemali, yezentlalo, yenkcubeko, okanye yenkolo).

Ukuqaphela kunye noKwaphula uMjikelo

Ukuqonda linyathelo lokuqala lokuphuma kwezi patheni. Ukuzibuza le mibuzo ilandelayo kunokunceda:

• Zeziphi iimfuno zobuqu endizikhabayo?
• Ngaba ndiyazamkela iimpawu ezindenzakalisayo ukuze ndiphephe i-solitude?
• Ngaba ixabiso lam ndilisekela ekukwazini “ukulungisa” abanye?

Ukuqhawula lo mjikelo, unyango olujolise kumonzakalo kunye nokuphuhliswa kokuzithemba kunokuba yimfuneko.

OImvelaphi ye-Codependency

Iipateni zokuxhomekeka zihlala zinengcambu ebuntwaneni, kwi iintsapho apho iimfuno zeemvakalelo zomntwana zingahoywa okanye zingasebenzi. Ezi meko-bume zinokukhokelela ekubeni umntu angazicingeli kakuhle kunye nesidingo esingapheliyo sokungqina ukuba umntu uxabisekile, kuquka “ukusindisa” abanye.

Nangona kunjalo, kuyenzeka ukuba ezi patheni zibonakale kamva ebomini, ngakumbi kubudlelwane obuphawulwa ngabantu abaphikisanayo okanye ukuxhatshazwa.

Iimpawu eziphambili zobudlelwane obuxhomekeke

Ukunqongophala kwemida yobuqu

• Ubunzima bokuthi “hayi” okanye ukuseka imida esempilweni.
• Ukwamkelwa kokuziphatha okungafanelekanga kwabanye, nokuba babangela ukungonwabi okanye ukubandezeleka.
• Njengabantwana, imida yethu yayingacacanga okanye yayingahoywa, ngoko njengoko sikhula, siyasokola ukuyimisela kubudlelwane bethu. Siyoyika ukungakholisi okanye ukuxhokonxa ungquzulwano.

Imfuno egqithisileyo yokuvunywa

• Ukuxhomekeka ekuqinisekisweni okanye ekuvunyweni kwabanye ukuze uzive ulungile ngawe.
• Ukoyika ukwaliwa okanye ukulahlwa.

Ulawulo olugqithisileyo

• Ukufuna ukulawula indlela yokuziphatha okanye iimvakalelo zabanye, ngamanye amaxesha phantsi kwesizathu sokuba “bancede”.
• Ukuziva ngathi kufuneka “ugcine” omnye umntu.
• Ukunikela amacebiso okanye ukuzama ukucombulula iingxaki zabanye abantu kusenokubonakala kuluncedo, kodwa kudla ngokuba yindlela yokuthomalalisa ixhala lethu. Sikholelwa ukuba ukuba asiyilawuli le meko, siya koyiswa ziimvakalelo zethu.

Ukuzincama

• Ukungahoyi iimfuno zakho okanye iminqweno yokugxila kuphela kwenye.
• Ukungahoyi impilo yakho yomzimba, yeemvakalelo okanye yengqondo.

Ukoyika ubulolo

• Ukuhlala kubudlelwane obungenampilo ngenxa yokoyika ukugqiba uwedwa.
• Kuphephe ukwahlukana, nokuba ulwalamano luyityhefu.

Ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo

• Ukuvakalelwa kukuba ulonwabo okanye ukuzixabisa kukabani kuxhomekeke ngokupheleleyo kwabanye.
• Amava anzulu okuxhalaba, umsindo, okanye ukungabi nathemba xa omnye umntu engekho.

Uxanduva olugqithisileyo kwabanye

• Thatha uxanduva lomnye nomnye (imali, imvakalelo, njl.).
• Ukuziva unetyala ukuba omnye umntu uyabandezeleka okanye akonwabanga.

Ukuchaswa kweengxaki

• Ukwala ukuvuma iingxaki kubudlelwane okanye ukujongela phantsi ukubaluleka kwazo.
• Ulungelelaniso lweQoxim yeqabane .

Ukumiselwa kobudlelwane

• Ukuthambekela ekwenzeni ubudlelwane bube bhetele, nokuba kukho ubungqina obucacileyo betyhefu.
• Ukudala umfanekiso ongekho ngqiqweni weqabane okanye ubudlelwane.

Umtsalane kubantu abanengxaki

• Ukuthambekela kokwenza ubudlelwane nabantu abaneengxaki zeemvakalelo, iziyobisi, okanye ubunzima bokulawula ubomi babo.

Isigqibo esingapheliyo
Xa siqhawuka kwiziqu zethu, sihlala sifuna ukwamkeleka kwabanye. Oku kunokususela kwizigqibo ezincinci (ezokutya ntoni) ukuya kukhetho olukhulu (umsebenzi).

Ukungahoyi iimvakalelo zakho

• Ubunzima bokuqonda okanye ukuvakalisa iimvakalelo zomntu.
• Ukuvakalelwa kukuba iimfuno zikabani azibalulekanga kangako kunezabanye.

Emotional roller coaster
Siphenjelelwa ngamandla ziimvakalelo zabanye: ukuba umntu udakumbile, nathi siba buhlungu. Oku kubonakalisa ukunqongophala kwemida yeemvakalelo: asinako ukwahlula iimvakalelo zethu kwezabo.

Ungquzulwano lwangaphakathi rhoqo

• Iimvakalelo zokudinwa okanye ukudideka ngenxa yeengxabano zangaphakathi phakathi komnqweno wokunceda kunye nokukhathazeka okuvakalelwa.

Ukuba uyaziqaphela kwiimpawu ezininzi, kunokuba luncedo ukubona ugqirha okanye umcebisi ukuba asebenze kwezi ntshukumo kunye nokwakha ubudlelwane obunempilo.

Indlela yokunyanga ukuxhomekeka?

Ukuphila kuza ngokuphinda uqhagamshelane nawe. Nanga amanye amanyathelo okuqalisa:

• Setha imida emincinci, ecacileyo: Funda ukuthi hayi xa kuyimfuneko kwaye uvakalise ukungonwabi kwakho.
• Ukwazi iimfuno zakho zovakalelo: Chitha ixesha uhlola indlela oziva ngayo, into oyifunayo, kunye nezinto onomdla kuzo.
• Fumana izinto ozinqwenelayo: Zama imisebenzi emitsha okanye izinto ozonwabisa ngazo ukuze uphinde uqhagamshelane nento ekwenza wahluke.
• Ukubhalela ukuzihlola: Ukuziqhelanisa nokubhala ijenali kunokukunceda uqonde ngcono iingcinga zakho, iimvakalelo, kunye namava.

Ndiyazi ukuba le nkqubo inokuziva ingakhululekanga, ngakumbi ukuba awuqhelanga ukugxila kuwe. Kodwa kubalulekile ukuba uphume kwipatheni yokuxhomekeka kwaye ufumane kwakhona ukuba ungubani na.

Umzobo womsindisi kunye nomntu “oza kusindiswa”

• Description: Koku kuguquguqukayo, elinye iqabane (“umsindisi”) liziva linoxanduva ngeemvakalelo, iingxaki, okanye intlalontle yelinye iqabane (umntu “oza kusindiswa”). Oku kusenokuquka ukusoloko befuna ukucombulula iingxaki zomnye nomnye, ukuthwala uxanduva lomnye, okanye ukukhanyela iimfuno zobuqu zokulondoloza ulungelelwano kulwalamano.
• Umzekelo obambekayo:
  USarah noJulien baneminyaka emibini betshatile. UJulien utyhubela ixesha elinzima emsebenzini, uziva ecinezelekile kwaye uhlala evakalisa ukungonwabi kwakhe. USarah, engafuni ukuba azive ebuhlungu okanye amsole ngenxa yokungabi nankxaso, ubeka ecaleni iimfuno zakhe zokuzama “ukumsindisa”.

Yena :

• Uchitha iiyure ephulaphule uJulien ekhalaza, nokuba udiniwe okanye udiniwe.
• Uphanda kwi-intanethi ukufumana izisombululo kwiingxaki zakhe emsebenzini.
• Uyamkhuthaza ukuba enze izigqibo, kodwa aphele esenzela yena ukuba athintele ekubeni abe noxinzelelo.
• Vumelana ukubona abahlobo bakhe bengaphantsi okanye ukuyeka izinto azithandayo ukuze bahlale befumaneka kuye.

Kwicala lakhe, uJulien uxhomekeke ngakumbi nangakumbi kuSarah ukulawula iimvakalelo zakhe, ngaphandle kokuzama ukusombulula iingxaki zakhe. Usenokude acaphuke ukuba uSara akamniki ngqalelo eyaneleyo, ngaloo ndlela eqinisa amandla.

Iziphumo kubudlelwane

1. USarah uqalisa ukuziva ediniwe yaye ekhathazekile, kodwa akabi nabuganga bakuthetha ngaloo nto kuba esoyika ukumenzakalisa okanye ukubonwa njengomntu ozingcayo.
2. UJulien, nangona ebenombulelo ongazenzisiyo, uya engenzi nto aze aphelelwe yintembelo kumandla akhe okulawula iingxaki zakhe.
3. Ukungalingani kuyakhula, kwaye uSara unokugqibela eziva ecaphukile okanye aphulukane nobuntu bakhe kubudlelwane.

Kutheni le codependency?

• USarah uncama iimfuno zakhe ngenxa kaJulien, ekholelwa ukuba indima yakhe kukumenza onwabe okanye acombulule iingxaki zakhe.
• UJulien, kwanokuba akenzanga ngabom, uxhomekeke kuSarah ukuze aphile kakuhle ngokweemvakalelo.
• Omabini amaqabane anemida engacacanga kunye nokuziphatha okomeleza ukuxhomekeka omnye komnye, endaweni yokukhuthaza ukukhula komntu kunye nokuxhomekeka komnye umntu okunempilo.

Ukuze aphume kolu tshintsho, uSarah unokuqalisa ukubeka imida (umzekelo, ngokunciphisa ixesha alichitha ephulaphule uJulien okanye ngokuqinisekisa iimfuno zakhe) kwaye uJulien unokukhuthazwa ukuba afune eminye imithombo yenkxaso (njengomgqirha okanye umqeqeshi).

Umzali okhusela ngokugqithisileyo

Inkcazo : Umzali uyamnqanda umntwana wakhe ekubeni enze izigqibo okanye athwale uxanduva kuba esoyika ukuba umntwana uya kusilela okanye asokole.
Umzekelo : Umama ugxininisa ekukhetheni umsebenzi wonyana wakhe, esithi uyayazi eyona nto imlungeleyo. Usoloko engenelela ukuze acombulule iingxaki zakhe, njengokufowunela abafundisi-ntsapho bakhe okanye umqeshi wakhe, kwanaxa sele emdala.
Iziphumo :

• Umntwana uxhomekeke kumzali ngokhetho lwakhe.
• Uhlakulela ukuzithemba okuphantsi kwaye unokucaphukela oku kulawulwa rhoqo.
• Kwelinye icala, umzali uziva exabisekile kwindima “yomsindisi.”

Umntwana “ongumzali”

Inkcazo : Umntwana uthwala iimbopheleleko ezingokweemvakalelo okanye ezingokoqobo zomzali, ngokufuthi kumakhaya apho kukho umzali ogulayo, ongekhoyo okanye ongakhathaliyo.
Umzekelo : UJulie, oneminyaka eli-12 ubudala, unyamekela abantakwabo noodade wabo aze athuthuzele unina odandathekileyo, obabelana ngeengxaki zakhe zabantu abadala njengeengxaki zemali okanye iingxabano zomtshato.
Iziphumo :

• UJulie ufunda ukungazinaki iimfuno zakhe zokunyamekela abanye.
• Unokuhlakulela ubudlelwane obungalinganiyo njengomntu omdala, apho adlala indima “yomsindisi.”
• Ubuntwana bakhe buncama ngenxa yobunzima bezi mbopheleleko.

Usapho olulawulayo

Inkcazo : Amalungu entsapho asebenzisa ukulawula ngokugqithiseleyo ukhetho kunye nokuziphatha komnye nomnye ukugcina “imvumelwano” ethile.
Umzekelo : Entsatsheni, abazali babamisela abantwana babo ukuba bathandane okanye batshate ngoobani. Ukuba umntwana ukhetha iqabane okanye indlela yokuphila engahambelani nokulindela, uyanqatshwa okanye ulawulwa ngokweemvakalelo (“Uzaphula iintliziyo zethu”).
Iziphumo :

• Abantwana baziva bebophelelekile ukuba bancame iminqweno yabo ukuze baphephe ukungabakholisi abazali babo.
• Uloyiko lokulahlwa okanye ukulahlwa luba yimpembelelo eqhubayo kwizigqibo zabo.

Umntwana ofuna “ukulungisa” umzali.

Inkcazo : Umntwana okanye ofikisayo uba nembopheleleko ngokweemvakalelo ngempilo-ntle yomzali.
Umzekelo : ULeo, oneminyaka eli-16 ubudala, uvakalelwa kukuba umele asoloko ethomalalisa uyise onomsindo okanye athomalalise umama wakhe oxhalabileyo ukuze alondoloze uxolo endlwini. Uzicingela iimvakalelo zabo aze alungise indlela aziphethe ngayo ukuze aphephe iingxabano.
Iziphumo :

• U-Leo ukhula ngokugqithiseleyo kwiimvakalelo zabanye, ngokuphindaphindiweyo kwingozi yakhe.
• Usenokuba nobunzima ekubekeni imida okanye ukuqonda iimfuno zakhe.

Ukuxhomekeka kwezemali okanye ngokweemvakalelo

Inkcazo : Elinye ilungu lentsapho lixhomekeke kakhulu kwelinye kwiimfuno zemali okanye ngokweemvakalelo, lidala ulwalamano olungalungelelananga.
Umzekelo : Umzali oqhawule umtshato uxhomekeke ngokupheleleyo kunyana wakhe omdala ukuze afumane inkxaso ngokweemvakalelo, ekhalazela ubulolo bakhe okanye iingxaki zobuqu, ukusa kwinqanaba lokuba angakwazi ukuphila ubomi bakhe.
Iziphumo :

• Unyana uziva enetyala ngokuzama ukuzakhela ukuzimela.
• Umzali uhlala engumkhenkce kwindima yakhe njengexhoba, eqinisa amandla anetyhefu.

Ukuzinikela ngokugqithisileyo ukugcina umanyano losapho

Inkcazo : Ilungu lentsapho lisoloko lincama iimfuno okanye izimvo zalo ukuze libe seluxolweni okanye liphephe ingxabano.
Umzekelo : UClara, oneminyaka engama-35, wenqaba ukubeka imida kunye nomntakwabo omxhaphaza ngokwezimali, ngenxa yokwesaba “ukuqhekeza intsapho”. Uyaqhubeka nokumboleka imali, nokuba oko kuchaphazela ukuzinza kwakhe.
Iziphumo :

• UClara uziva ediniwe kwaye enenzondo.
• Umzalwana akathabathi mbopheleleko yaye uxhakamfula eli thuba.

Ukuphuma kwikhowudi yosapho

1. Nakana izinto ezinetyhefu : Chonga iindlela zokuziphatha apho imida yobuqu ingahoywa.
2. Funda ukumisela imida: Umzekelo, ukuthi hayi kwizicelo ezingekho ngqiqweni okanye ukwala ukuthwala uxanduva ngeemvakalelo zabanye abantu.
3. Khuthaza ukuzimela : Vumela amanye amalungu osapho ukuba athwale uxanduva lwawo.
4. Ukufuna inkxaso yangaphandle: Unyango lunokunceda ukuphelisa ezi patheni ezimiliselweyo kunye nokukhuthaza ubudlelwane obulungeleleneyo.