Ukulahlekelwa ngumntu emva kokuhlukana: kutheni kubuhlungu kakhulu

Ubusazi ukuba ukwahlukana kuya kuba nzima. Kodwa awuzange ucinge ukuba ukunqongophala kuya kuba ngokwenyama: iqhuma emqaleni xa uvuka, i-reflex yokuthatha ifowuni, igumbi elibonakala lingenanto ngokukhawuleza. Ngamanye amaxesha ude uzibuze ukuba uvakalelwa ngendlela efanayo na, kwaye nini.

Ukukhumbula umntu emva kokwahlukana kunokuba nzima ngokumangalisayo. Akukho nto ingaqhelekanga kule nto. Kweli nqaku, siza kujonga ukuba kutheni le nto yokurhoxa ibuhlungu kangaka, yintoni eyenza ibe bukhali ngakumbi emva kobudlelwane obuyityhefu, kunye nendlela yokudlula ngaphandle kokulahlekelwa nguwe endleleni.

Kutheni ukulahlekelwa ngumntu kubuhlungu kakhulu

Ingqondo efuna “umvuzo” wayo

Uthando lothando luvuselela iisekethe zobuchopho ezinxibelelene nomvuzo kunye nenkuthazo. Uphononongo olupapashwe kwi-2016 kwi Frontiers in Psychology iqaqambisa ukufana phakathi kwezi sekethe kunye nabo babandakanyekayo kubukhoboka. Xa umntu omthandayo enyamalala, le nkqubo iyaqhubeka “imfuna”. Kungoko le mvakalelo yokurhoxa, kunye namaza ayo okurhoxa, ukuphazamiseka kwayo kunye neengcinga zayo eziphazamisayo.

Uncamathiselo oluziva lusongelwa

Singabantu abathandanayo. Uphononongo olupapashwe kwi-2017 kwi Current Opinion in Psychology uyakhumbula ukuba, xa bejongene noxinzelelo lobudlelwane, abantu abanobudlelwane obuxhalabileyo baye bafune ngamandla ukusondela kwabanye, ngelixa abanye bezivalele. Ukwahlukana kusebenze ngokuchanekileyo le nkqubo ye-alam: umntu onike inxalenye yokhuseleko lwakho akasekho.

Isazisi sokwakha kwakhona

Ubudlelwane bukwayimikhwa, iiprojekthi, “thina”. Xa iyeka, ulahlekelwa yinxalenye yobomi bakho bemihla ngemihla kunye nomfanekiso owawunawo ngekamva lakho. Ukungabikho ke ngoko kuchaphazela umntu, kodwa nayo yonke into ababeyimele.

Xa ukunqongophala kunamandla ngakumbi: emva kobudlelwane obunobuthi

Unokucinga ukuba kulula ukushiya umntu okuvisa ubuhlungu. Idla ngokuba yinto eyahlukileyo. Emva kobudlelwane kunye ne-manipulator okanye i-narcissistic manipulator, ukuhoxiswa ngokuqhelekileyo kunamandla ngakumbi, ngenxa yezizathu ezininzi:

• Intermittent reinforcement: Amaxesha okuthantamisa ayenqabile kwaye ayengalindelekanga, edala uqhagamshelo oluqinileyo kunothando oluqhelekileyo.
• Inkumbulo ye-idealization: Uyamkhumbula umntu omangalisayo kwasekuqaleni kwaye uyamkhumbula, nokuba akazange abekho ngokwenene.
• Isolation: Ubudlelwane buhlala bunciphisa isangqa sakho sentlalo, sishiya isithuba esikhulu.
• Iimbuyekezo ezinokwenzeka: i-manipulator ngamanye amaxesha ivela kwakhona, eqala ngokutsha ukungabikho ngexesha ngalinye.

Lo mcimbi unegama: affective withdrawal syndrome. Ukuqonda oku kukunceda ukuba ungayitoliki njengophawu lokuba kufuneka ubuye.

Ithatha ixesha elingakanani ukuba indoda izive iphosiwe?

Lo ngomnye wemibuzo ephendlwe kakhulu emva kokwahlukana, kwaye isoloko ibuzwa ngethemba lokubuya. Impendulo enyanisekileyo yeyokuba akukho mda wexesha jikelele nokuba ngamadoda okanye abafazi. Abanye abantu baziva benqwenela kwangoko, abanye emva kweeveki ezimbalwa, xa ubutsha okanye isiqabu siphela, abanye sekwephuzile kakhulu, okanye bangaze babonakale.

Ukunqongophala kuxhomekeke kwizinto ezininzi: ukuncamathisela komntu ngamnye, indlela eyenzeka ngayo ukuhlukana, indawo engqongileyo, ubukho okanye ukungabikho kobudlelwane obutsha. I-stereotypes (“amadoda ayaqonda emva kweeveki ezintathu”) ayisekelwe kwidatha eqinile.

Nge-manipulator, umbuzo wahluke ngakumbi. Into ebonakala ngathi kukunqongophala ngamanye amaxesha ikakhulu kukuphulukana nolawulo okanye ingqalelo. Ukubuya kwakhe, xa kusenzeka, akulophawu lothando. Amanqaku ethu ku-umzuzu xa i-manipulator ye-narcissistic ibuya kwaye kwi-Into eyenziwa ngumqhatha emva kokwahlukana ikunika izalathisi.

Ngaphezu kwako konke, zibuze: Ukwazi njani ukuba uyakukhumbula nini ukutshintsha into oyidingayo namhlanje? Ukuchacha kwakho akunakuxhomekeka kwixesha lakho.

Ndibandezeleka ngenxa yokungahoywa kwakhe: ngaba kukungabikho okufanayo?

Abantu abaninzi baziva benqongophele during ubudlelwane: iqabane likhona ngokwasemzimbeni kodwa lingekho ngokweemvakalelo, elingaphenduliyo, alinamdla, lisasaza ingqwalasela kwiidrib kunye needrabs. Oku kungabikho kudla ngokuba ngumqondiso: iimfuno zakho aziviwa. Kufanelekile ukuthathwa ngokungathí sina, kungekhona ukuthotywa, nokuba unquma ukuhlala okanye uhambe.

Indlela yokoyisa ilahleko emva kokwahlukana: amanyathelo ayi-8

1. Vumela ukuba wenze buhlungu. Ukunqongophala asikobuthathaka okanye ukusilela. Lo ngumlinganiselo wokukwazi kwakho ukuncamathela.
2. Limit triggers. Fihla amanethiwekhi ayo, ugcine okwethutyana iifoto kunye nezinto ezilayishiwe. Ayikokucima imbali, kukuvumela ukuba uphefumle.
3. Lungisa “ixesha eliyingozi” lakho. Ngokuhlwa, ngeempelaveki, imihla ekhethekileyo: cwangcisa umsebenzi, umnxeba, ukuphuma.
4. Bhala kunokuba uthumele. Xa umnqweno wokumbhalela unamandla, bhala lo myalezo kwincwadi yamanqaku. Yifunde kwakhona ngosuku olulandelayo. Ngamaxesha amaninzi, uya kukhululeka xa ungayithumelanga.
5. Nakekela umzimba wakho. Ukulala, ukutya, ukunyakaza: ukungabikho nakho kuyenzeka ngokwasemzimbeni, kwaye umzimba wakho ufuna inkxaso.
6. Bona abantu obathandayo kwakhona. Uqhagamshelwano nabanye abantu luyayithomalalisa inkqubo yokuncamathela. Awudingi ukuthetha ngokwahlukana ngalo lonke ixesha.
7. Ukwahlula umntu wokwenene kumntu ofezekileyo. Yenza uluhlu lwento eyenza ukuba ubandezeleke. Yifunde kwakhona xa ukusilela kuhombisa iinkumbulo.
8. Cela uncedo ukuba ukuhoxiswa kukugqithise. Isazi sezengqondo, iqela lenkxaso okanye umqeqeshi unokukunceda ukuba udlule kweli xesha.

Uluhlu lokuhlola: yintoni eyondla ukungabikho, yintoni epholisayo

Iyondla ntoni:

• ☐ jongana nenethiwekhi yakho yoluntu okanye abo bakungqongileyo;
• ☐ phinda ufunde imiyalezo emidala;
• ☐ ukuhlala unxibelelana “njengabahlobo” kwakamsinyane;
• ☐ ukuchitha iingokuhlwa ezinde wedwa ngaphandle kokucwangcisa nto;
• ☐ hlaziya kwakhona iziqendu ezifanayo (jonga inqaku lethu rumination emva kwe-narcissistic pervert).

Yintoni emthuthuzelayo:

• ☐ inkqubo yentsasa nangokuhlwa;
• ☐ ukudibana rhoqo nabantu obathandayo;
• ☐ umsebenzi womzimba, nokuba uthambile;
• ☐ iprojekthi yomntu, nokuba incinci;
• ☐ isithuba sokuvakalisa into oyivayo (ijenali, unyango, iqela).

Awusaziva ukungabikho komntu: ngaba kunokwenzeka?

Ewe. Ukungabikho ngokubanzi akupheli ngokukhawuleza, kodwa kuyatshintsha kwindalo. Ekuqaleni, ithatha zonke iingcamango zakho. Emva koko iphinda ibuye ngamaza, ngakumbi nangakumbi izithuba phakathi. Ngenye imini uye uqonde ukuba uhambe imini yonke ungacinganga. Kamva, inkumbulo yomntu ayisekho buhlungu, okanye phantse akukho nto.

Ixesha elifunekayo liyahluka ngokuxhomekeke emntwini nakwibali. Emva kobudlelwane obude okanye umtshato, ukwakha kwakhona kuhlala kuthatha ixesha elide: inqaku lethu ixesha lokuphinda kwakhiwe emva koqhawulo-mtshato lithetha ngalo mba. Ukuba ukuswela kukuvalela ekubeni likhoboka, isicwangciso se- sokuphuma kukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo sinokukunceda.

Inqaku lezempilo: ukuba usizi luhamba kunye nosizi olungahambiyo, ukulahlekelwa okukhulu kokutya okanye ukulala, okanye iingcamango ezimnyama, qhagamshelana nodokotela okanye isazi sengqondo. THE3114uphendula iiyure ezingama-24 ngosuku xa ecinga ukuzibulala. Ukuba ukuhlukana kukhatshwa zizisongelo okanye ukuxhatshazwa, biza3919, THE17okanye i112.

Imibuzo ebuzwa qho

Kutheni ukurhoxiswa kunamandla ebusuku?

Ngokuhlwa, iziphazamiso ziyancipha, ukudinwa kuba buthathaka, kwaye iingcinga zithatha indawo enkulu. Inkqubo yokuzola kunye nefowuni kude negumbi lokulala inceda kakhulu.

Ngaba ukuswela kuthetha ukuba kufuneka ndibuye?

Hayi. Ukungabikho yindlela eqhelekileyo yokusabela ekulahlekelweni kokuncamathela, kungekhona ubungqina bokuba ubudlelwane bebulungile kuwe. Ingakumbi emva kobudlelwane obuyityhefu.

Ungamlibala njani umntu osamthanda?

Asilibali ngokwenene: siyadibanisa. Injongo kukuba inkumbulo ingasayi kukubangela intlungu kwaye ingasayi kusalathisa ukhetho lwakho. Umgama, ixesha kunye nenkxaso inegalelo koku.

Ngaba ukunqongophala okuviwa ngomnye kungamenza abuye?

Ngamanye amaxesha, kodwa ukubuya okuqhutywa kukuswela akuzisombululi iingxaki ezikhokelele ekwahlukaneni. Nge-manipulator, ihlala iphawula ukuqala komjikelo omtsha.

Ukuqukumbela

Ukukhumbula umntu emva kokwahlukana yintlungu yokwenyani, enengcambu enzulu kwimfuno yethu yokuncamathela. Ayithethi nto malunga nexabiso lakho, kwaye ayihlali ngonaphakade. Yihambe ngobunono, ujikelezwe ngabanye, uzikhumbuze yonke imihla ukuba ubomi bakho bobakho. Ukuba ungathanda inkxaso emva kobudlelwane obuyityhefu, fumana i-coaching yamaxhoba e-narcissistic perverts.

Imithombo

• Zou Z. et al., « Romantic Love vs. Drug Addiction May Inspire a New Treatment for Addiction », Frontiers in Psychology, 2016 : PMC5031705
• Simpson J. A. et Rholes W. S., « Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships », Current Opinion in Psychology, 2017 : PMC4845754
• Umbutho wezeMpilo weHlabathi, “Ukuphazamiseka kwengqondo” (iphepha lokukopela): who.int