Ukuphuma ekuxhomekekeni ngokweemvakalelo: isicwangciso esisi-7

Uyazi ukuba le relationship ikuphatha kakubi. Usenokude uthethe ngokuvakalayo. Kwaye nangona kunjalo, ngombono wokuhamba, kukho into eqinisa esifubeni sakho: uloyiko lokungabi nanto, imvakalelo yokuba ngaphandle komnye, awuyi kuhlala. Olu xinzelelo lunegama: emotional dependence.

Iindaba ezimnandi: singaphuma kuyo. Hayi ngobusuku, okanye ngentando yodwa, kodwa ngokulandela indlela ethe chu. Eli nqaku likunika isicwangciso esinamanyathelo asi-7, esilungiselelwe abantu abakubudlelwane okanye abakhe baba nobudlelwane neqabane elikhohlisayo.

Yintoni ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo?

Ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo kubhekisa kwisidingo esigqithisileyo sokuba abanye bazive bephila, bekhuselekile okanye belufanele uthando. Akuyena umbuzo wokuthanda “kakhulu”: ngumbuzo wokuthanda i- kumonakalo we-. Ukuphila kakuhle kuxhomekeke phantse ngokupheleleyo kubukho, ingqalelo okanye imvume yeqabane.

Ezinye iimpawu eziqhelekileyo:

• woyika ukulahlwa ude wamkele into ekuphatha kakubi;
• ubeka iimfuno zakho ecaleni ukuphepha iingxabano;
• imo yakho ilandela enye, iyure neyure;
• ukuba wedwa kubonakala kukunganyamezeleki, nokuba ziintsuku ezimbalwa;
• uthethelela ukuziphatha kwabo basondeleyo kuwe onokuthi ufumanise ukuba akwamkelekanga komnye umntu.

Ukufumana uphononongo olupheleleyo lwezizathu kunye neempawu, funda inqaku lethu olunzulu malunga ne-emotional addiction. Apha, sigxininise kumbuzo ekusenokwenzeka ukuba usengqondweni yakho kakhulu: Indlela yokuphuma kwi-.

Ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo eluthandweni: kutheni lomelele kangaka

Abaphandi ngamanye amaxesha bathelekisa uthando olushushu kunye neendlela zokulutha. Uphononongo olupapashwe kwi-2016 kwi Frontiers in Psychology isikhumbuza ukuba uthando lothando kunye neziyobisi zivuselela iisekethe zomvuzo engqondweni ezidibana ngokuyinxenye. Esi sesinye sezizathu zokuba ukulahleka kwabanye kunokuziva ngathi kukurhoxa okwenyani.

Uhlalutyo lwemeta luka-2025 olupapashwe kwi Journal of Behavioral Addictions ikwanxibelelanisa into esiyibiza ngokuba “likhoboka lothando” kwizitayile zokuncamathela ezingakhuselekanga, ngakumbi ukuncamathela okunexhala. Ngamanye amazwi, ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo ngokufuthi kusekelwe kwiimfuno zonqabiseko ekungazange kuhlangatyezwane nazo ngaphambilana ebomini.

Imeko ethile yomntu oxhomekeke kwimvakalelo ejongene nomqhatha

Ngeqabane elikhohlisayo okanye elikhohlisayo, ukuxhomekeka kuqiniswa kukutshintshana phakathi kwamaxesha okuthamba kunye namaxesha okulahlwa. Oku “kushushu-kubanda” kudala into esiyibiza ngokuba liqhina elibuhlungu: okukhona ubudlelwane buba buhlungu, kokukhona sibambelela kumaxesha anqabileyo obumnandi. Sichaze lo matshini kwinqaku lethu kwi-umjikelezo we-narcissistic, kwaye ngokubanzi kwi-umgibe we-narcissistic pervert.

I-manipulator nayo iyayazi indlela yokusebenzisa uloyiko lokulahlekelwa. emotional blackmail (“Ukuba uyandishiya, andizukuphumelela”) sesinye sezixhobo zakhe azithandayo zokugcina umlutha.

Isicwangciso esisi-7 sokuphuma ekuxhomekekeni ngokweemvakalelo

Ezi zigaba azilogqatso. Abanye baya kuthatha iintsuku ezimbalwa, abanye iinyanga eziliqela. Ungabuyela emva, emva koko uqale kwakhona: yinto eqhelekileyo leyo.

Inyathelo 1: Yamkela Ikhoboka Ngaphandle Kokuzigweba

Inyathelo lokuqala kukwenza intetho enyanisekileyo: “Ndiye ndahlakulela umlutha kolu budlelwane.” Oku akusiyo ubuthathaka okanye isiphene somlingiswa. Yimpendulo eqondakalayo kwimbali, ukulimaza, ngamanye amaxesha ukukhohlisa ngobuchule. Iintloni lutshaba lwakho apha: kukutyhalela ukuba uzimele, kwaye ke ukuba uhlale wedwa.

Inyathelo lesi-2: Jonga iipateni zakho

Thatha incwadana kwaye ubhale phantsi, iiveki ezimbini, amaxesha apho uziva uvinjwa okanye uxhalabile. Kwenzeka ntoni ngaphambili? Umyalezo ongaphendulwanga, intetho, ukungabikho? Wenza ntoni emva koko? Olu qwalaselo lunceda ukuba ubone izinto ezibangelayo kunye neempendulo ezizenzekelayo.

Inyathelo 3: Nciphisa uqhagamshelwano (okanye unqumle)

Ngethuba nje umthombo wokulutha ukho rhoqo, kunzima kakhulu ukuhlukana nawo. Ukuba ubudlelwane buyityhefu, umgama ubalulekile: imiyalezo embalwa, iinethiwekhi zentlalo ezininzi zokubeka iliso, kwaye ngokufanelekileyo “akukho mnxibelelwano”. Ukuba unabantwana abafanayo, unxibelelwano olungephi, oluyinyaniso lunokuthatha indawo.

Inyathelo lesi-4: Sebenza ngokunqongophala endaweni yokubaleka

Iiveki zokuqala zezona zinzima kakhulu. Ukunqongophala kuza kumaza: ingoma, iphunga, ngokuhlwa kwempelaveki. Kunokuba ungxamele kwifowuni yakho, zama ukuchaza into oziva ngayo (“apha, ndoyika ukuba ndedwa”), phefumla, kwaye uvumele amaza ehle. Uhlala ebuyela ezantsi.

Inyathelo lesi-5: Yakha kwakhona uKhuseleko lweLizwe lakho

Ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo kuhlala kusekelwe kwinkolelo ethi “Ndikho kuphela ukuba kukho umntu ondithandayo.” Kumalunga nokwakha ngokuthe ngcembe ukhuseleko olungaxhomekekanga kumntu omnye: iinkqubo ezikwenza uzive wonwabile, imisebenzi apho uziva ufanelekile, izibophelelo ezincinci ezigcinwe kuwe. Inqaku lethu kwi-emotional independence inikezela ngeembono eziphathekayo.

Inyathelo lesi-6: Yandisa isangqa sakho seNkxaso

Okukhona uninzi lwemithombo yakho yekhonkco, kokukhona umntu omnye ebambe ibhalansi yakho. Xhumana kwakhona nomhlobo wam owalahlekayo, joyina iqela leengxoxo, umsebenzi odibeneyo. Awudingi ukuxelela yonke into: kufuneka ubekho kwenye indawo.

Inyathelo lesi-7: fumana inkxaso kwaye uthintele ukubuyela kwakhona

Isazi sezengqondo okanye i-psychotherapist inokukunceda ukuba usebenze kwiingcambu zokulutha (imbali yentsapho, ukudibanisa, ukuzithemba). Umqeqeshi unokukunceda uhlele ubomi bakho bemihla ngemihla kwaye unamathele kwizigqibo zakho. Kwakhona lungiselela “isicwangciso sakho sokulwa nokuphindaphinda”: uya kwenza ntoni ngokuhlwa ofuna ukubhalela umntu wakho wangaphambili?

Uluhlu: uphi?

Qwalasela ngengqondo iziqinisekiso ezidibana nawe namhlanje:

• ☐ Ndiyakwazi ukubiza umlutha wam ngaphandle kokuziva ngathi i-crap.
• ☐ Ndiyazi ubuncinane iimeko ezintathu ezibangela ukuba ndirhoxe.
• ☐ Ndinciphise (okanye ndaqhawula) ukudibana nomntu.
• ☐ Ndinomntu omnye okanye ababini endinokutsalela umnxeba kuye xa izinto zimbi.
• ☐ Ndiphinde ndaqalisa umsebenzi omnye ondenza ndizive ndonwabile.
• ☐ Ndiyazi into endiya kuyenza ukuba umnqweno wokubuyela umva unamandla.
• ☐ Ndenze idinga (okanye ndiceba ukwenza njalo) nomntu oqeqeshiweyo.

Ibhokisi nganye ekhangelweyo linyathelo. Akukho myalelo unyanzelekileyo, kwaye akukho bakala lokugqibela.

Imigibe yokuphepha endleleni

• Ukutshintsha umlutha omnye kunye nomnye: uziphose kubudlelwane obutsha ngokukhawuleza, okanye emsebenzini, utywala, izikrini.
• Ilinde ukucela uxolo: umenzi wenkohliso akafane avume iimpazamo zakhe. Ukuphiliswa kwakho akunakuxhomekeke kuYe.
• Ukukholelwa “kumzamo wokugqibela”: izinto ezibuyela emva ziqhelekile. Azithethi ukusilela, kodwa kuluncedo ukuqonda indlela, ngakumbi hoovering, eli nzame “lokukufunxa” kwakhona.
• Zihlukanise nehlazo: Abo basondeleyo kuwe bahlala beqonda ngakumbi kunokuba ucinga.

Indlela yokuphatha ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo kwixesha elide?

Asinako “ukunyanga” ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo njengosulelo. Kunoko, sifunda ukuthanda ngendlela eyahlukileyo: ngemida, ngokugcina indawo yethu, ngokukhetha amaqabane anokukwazi ukuphindaphinda. Iindlela zonyango ezisebenza kwi-attachment, ukuzithemba kunye nokulawulwa kweemvakalelo zihlala zinconywa. Ukuba ubudlelwane bushiye iimpawu zokuxhalaba, ukudakumba okanye iingcamango ezimnyama, qhagamshelana nogqirha okanye isazi sengqondo: ezi ntlungu zinokunyangwa.

Ukubaleka kuluvo lokuba “lixhoba lobomi”, inqaku lethu elimalunga ne-narcissistic victimization syndrome linokukunceda ukuba uthathe elinye inyathelo.

Kwimeko yengozi okanye ubundlobongela, fowunela i-3919 (ukuphulaphula simahla kunye nokungaziwa), 17 okanye 112.

Imibuzo ebuzwa qho

Kuthatha ixesha elingakanani ukuphuma kukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo?

Akukho xesha limiselweyo. Iiveki zokuqala zomgama zidla ngokuba zezona zinzima kakhulu; emva koko, ubunzulu bokurhoxiswa buyancipha ngokuthe ngcembe. Umsebenzi osisiseko wokuzixabisa kunye nokuzibandakanya uthatha ixesha elingakumbi, rhoqo iinyanga ezininzi.

Ngaba umntu okhotyokiswe ngokweemvakalelo unokuba neqhinga?

Ewe, kuyenzeka: uloyiko lokulahlekelwa ngomnye umntu lunokukhokelela ekubeni netyala, ukubekw’ esweni okanye ukutyholwa. Oku akufani nokugqwetheka kwe-narcissistic, kodwa kufanelekile ukusebenzela, wena kunye nobudlelwane.

Ngaba sinokuphuma sisodwa kukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo?

Inxalenye yohambo inokwenziwa yodwa, kodwa inkxaso iyakhawulezisa kwaye ikhusele inkqubo, ngakumbi emva kobudlelwane obulawulayo.

Ngaba ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo sisifo?

Ayiloxilongo olusemthethweni kuhlelo lwengqondo, kodwa lufundwa kuphando kwaye lunokukhatshwa yintlungu yokwenyani efuna uncedo lobuchwephesha.

Ukuqukumbela

Ukuphuma ekuxhomekekeni ngokweemvakalelo kuthetha ukufunda ukuzithemba kwakhona kwaye wanele, ngaphandle kokuncama uthando. Thatha amanyathelo amancinci, bhiyozela inkqubela nganye, kwaye ungabi wedwa kunye nobu bunzima. Ukuba ungathanda inkxaso ngeli xesha lotshintsho, ungafumana ngakumbi malunga ne-coaching kumaxhoba e-narcissistic perverts.

Imithombo

• Zou Z. et al., « Romantic Love vs. Drug Addiction May Inspire a New Treatment for Addiction », Frontiers in Psychology, 2016 : PMC5031705
• Cavalli R. G. et al., « Conceptualizing love addiction within the attachment perspective: A systematic review and meta-analysis », Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 2025 : PMC12284683
• Inkonzo-Uluntu.fr, “Ubundlobongela basekhaya”: service-public.gouv.fr