I-narcissistic manipulator kubudlelwane: indlela yokumamkela yonke imihla

Ekuqaleni yonke into yayimnandi. Kwandula ke, ngokuthe ngcembe, umoya watshintsha. Iintetha ziye zaba bukhali ngakumbi, kwathi cwaka kwanzima, wazibona sele uhamba phezu kwamaqokobhe amaqanda kwelakho ikhaya. Uyazibuza namhlanje ukuba uhlala ne-narcissistic pervert kubudlelwane.

Eli nqaku aliyi kukunika ukuxilongwa: kuphela ingcali inokuvavanya ubuntu. Kwelinye icala, ikunika ibhenchmarks zekhonkrithi, ezithathwe kubomi bemihla ngemihla, ukuqonda ukusebenza kwe-narcissistic manipulative kubudlelwane bothando, kunye neendlela zokuzikhusela.

I-narcissistic manipulator eluthandweni: sithetha ngantoni?

Ibinzana elithi “i-narcissistic manipulator” yaziswa eFransi yi-psychoanalyst uPaul-Claude Racamier, emva koko ngugqirha wengqondo uMarie-France Hirigoyen kwi-Le Harcèlement morale. Libhekisela kumntu othi, ukuze azive exatyisiwe, kufuneka athobe, alawule aze asebenzise abanye, engenatyala lokwenene. Oku akusiyo ukuxilongwa ngokusemthethweni kokuhlelwa kwengqondo, kodwa inkcazo yekliniki eluncedo kakhulu ekuqondeni ubudlelwane obuthile bolawulo.

Kubudlelwane, oku kusebenza akufane kubonakaliswe ngendlela emangalisayo. Ifakwe kwi-increments encinci, okwenza kube nzima ukubona ngaphakathi. Abaphandi abafunda ubundlobongela basekhaya namhlanje bathetha “ngolawulo olunyanzelwayo”: isifundo esipapashwe ngo-2018 Psychology of Violence ibonisa ukuba olu lawulo, nangaphandle kobundlobongela ngokwasemzimbeni, lunxulunyaniswa nenqanaba eliphezulu lengozi kumaxhoba.

Indlela yokuqaphela i-manipulator ye-narcissistic kubudlelwane bemihla ngemihla

Nazi iindlela zokuziphatha ezixelwa rhoqo. Omnye akwanelanga ukugqiba; luphindaphindo lwabo kunye nendibaniselwano yabo ekufuneka ikwazise.

1. Umbono onamandla kakhulu ekuqaleni

Izibhengezo ezikhawulezayo, izicwangciso ezizayo ukusuka kwiiveki zokuqala, ukuziva ufumene “iqabane lomphefumlo”. Esi sigaba sidala uncamathiselo oluqatha, oya kuthi emva koko ufune ukubuyela kulo. Sichaza le ndlela kwi-the narcissistic cycle.

2. Ukugxeka kuguqulwe njengengcebiso okanye uburharha

“Ndithetha oku ukuze kulungelwe wena”, “awunaburharha nyani”. Amagqabaza ajolise kwinkangeleko yakho, ubukrelekrele bakho, usapho lwakho, indlela yakho yokukhulisa abantwana. Ugqiba ukuzibona ngamehlo akhe. Inqaku lethu malunga ne-devaluation dwelisa ezi zivakalisi zitshabalalisayo.

3. Kushushu kwaye kubanda

Ngolunye usuku, ukukhenkceza okulandelayo, ngaphandle kwesizathu esicacileyo. Uchitha ixesha lakho ukhangela into “oyenzileyo engalunganga”. Ukuthula kunokuba sisohlwayo ngokwako: le yi-unyango oluthe cwaka.

4. Ubutyala obutshintsha amacala

Ufike uveze umonzakalo, uhambe ucela uxolo. Yonke impixano iphela ngenxa yakho. emotional blackmail sisixhobo esiqhelekileyo ukufezekisa oku kuguqulwa.

5. Ukwahluka okuqhubekayo

Abahlobo bakho “akulunganga ukunxulumana nabo,” intsapho yakho “iyakujikisa.” Ukuphuma kubanzima, utyelelo luya lunqabile. Ngaphandle kokuba uyiqonde, ihlabathi lakho liya licutheka.

6. Ukonakaliswa kwempumelelo yakho

Ingxabano iphuma ngosuku ngaphambi kodliwano-ndlebe olubalulekileyo, ukugula ngokukhawuleza ngosuku lwakho lokuzalwa, inkcazo ebandayo xa uvakalisa iindaba ezilungileyo. Le sabotage ijolise ekuqinisekiseni ukuba awukhanyisi ngaphandle kwayo.

7. Ulawulo olulumkileyo

Imibuzo ephindaphindiweyo malunga neeshedyuli zakho, ukujonga ifowuni yakho, ukulawula imali “ukwenza ubomi bakho bube lula”. Zithathwe nganye nganye, ezi zijekulo zinokudlula ukuze ziqwalaselwe. Bebonke bazoba ulawulo.

8. Ubuso obubini

Unomtsalane, uluncedo, uyahlekisa kuluntu; ingqwabalala, indelelo okanye ukungakhathali ekhaya. Abantu obathandayo banengxaki yokukukholelwa, nto leyo ekomeleza ukuba wedwa kwakho.

9. Ukubhalwa kwakhona kwenyani

“Andizange ndiyithethe loo nto”, “ubuthathaka kakhulu”, “uyayenza”. Ngokuhamba kwexesha, uyathandabuza inkumbulo yakho. Oku kgaslighting, enye yezona ndlela ziphazamisayo mental manipulation.

Umfazi we-Narcissistic kubudlelwane: iindlela ezifanayo

I-narcissistic manipulator ayisoloko iyindoda. Abasetyhini banokuba nalo mkhuba, kwaye amaxhoba angamadoda ahlala enobuganga obuncinci ukuthetha ngayo. Iinkqubo ziyafana: i-devaluation, i-devaluation, ulawulo, ityala. Ukuba uyindoda ekule meko, inqaku lethu elithi man ixhoba lomfazi ogqwethekileyo we-narcissistic lenzelwe wena.

Into efunyanwa ngumntu kwesi sibini

Ukuqonda indlela abanye abasebenza ngayo kukwabandakanya ukumamela oko uzivayo. Amaxhoba ahlala echaza:

• ukudinwa okuzingisileyo, njengokungathi ubudlelwane budla onke amandla abo;
• ukuphelelwa ukuzithemba, kanti babezithembile ngaphambili;
• ukuqaphela okusisigxina, ekujongeni isimo sengqondo esilandelayo;
• imvakalelo yokungasazijongi;
• iingxaki zokulala, ukuxhalaba, ngamanye amaxesha iimpawu zomzimba.

Ezi mvakalelo zizilumkiso ezifanelekileyo. Bahlala bebonisa imeko ye-impembelelo yengqondo.

Kutheni kunzima kangaka ukuhamba?

Ukusuka ngaphandle, umbuzo uhlala uvela: “Kutheni uhlala?” » Ukusuka ngaphakathi, impendulo inzima kakhulu. Iindlela ezininzi zidibanisa:

• Hope: Ubumazi umntu omangalisayo kwasekuqaleni kwaye ulindele ukubuya kwabo. Umzuzu ngamnye wokuthantamisa uvuselela eli themba.
• Ibhondi ehlasimlis’ umzimba: ukutshintshiselana phakathi kobulali nenkohlakalo kudala uncamathiselo olomeleleyo, phantse ukuba likhoboka.
• Ukuphelelwa ukuzithemba: emva kweenyanga zokugxekwa, uyathandabuza ukuba unokumelana yedwa.
• Izithintelo zekhonkrithi: abantwana, izindlu, imali, ukwesaba ukusabela kwabanye abantu.
• Shame: Unoloyiko lokugwetywa “ukubeka” ixesha elide.

Ukuqonda ezi nkqubo akufuni ukuba wenze nantoni na. Ikuvumela ukuba uyeke ukuzibeka ityala ngokungashiyi kwangoko. Ukuba uziva uvaleleke kolu ncamatheliso, isicwangciso sethu se-Phuma ekuxhomekekeni ngokweemvakalelo sinokukunceda uqhubele phambili ngenyathelo.

Kwakhona khumbula ukuba ixesha lokwahlukana lihlala lilelona libuthathaka: lixesha apho iqabane elilawulayo lisengozini yokuphulukana nokubamba. Ukulungiselela lo mzuzu, ngokujikeleza kunye nokwaziswa, kuyindlela yokukhusela yangempela.

Uluhlu lokukhangela: ubudlelwane bakho kwimibuzo eli-10

Ziphendule ngokunyaniseka, kuwe:

• ☐ Ngaba ndiyoyika indlela asabela ngayo ukuya kuthi ga kwinqanaba lokulungelelanisa into endiyithethayo?
• ☐ Ngaba ndivakalelwa kukuba yonke into isoloko ilityala lam?
• ☐ Ngaba ndibona abantu endibathandayo ngaphantsi kunangaphambili kobudlelwane?
• ☐ Ngaba impumelelo yam ibangela ukubanda okanye ungquzulwano?
• ☐ Ngaba ndikhe ndiyithandabuze inkumbulo yam emva kwengxoxo?
• ☐ Ngaba uxolo lwakhe lulandelwa yindlela efanayo yokuziphatha?
• ☐ Ngaba uyayilawula imali yam, ifowuni yam okanye uhambo lwam?
• ☐ Ngaba wahluke kakhulu esidlangalaleni nangasese?
• ☐ Ingaba ukuthula kusetyenziswa njengesohlwayo?
• ☐ Ngaba andisazazi?

Ukuba ujonga iibhokisi ezininzi, oku akumenzi iqabane lakho ukuba libe “yi-certified” narcissistic manipulator, kodwa libonisa ukuba ubudlelwane buyakulimaza kwaye bufanele ukujongwa ebusweni, ngokufanelekileyo ngembono yangaphandle.

Yintoni omawuyenze ukuba uyazazi?

1. Qwalasela iinyani: imihla, amagama, ukuziphatha. Eli phephancwadi likhusela amathandabuzo kwaye lingasebenza njengobungqina.
2. Thetha nomntu omthembileyo: ukwaphula ukuthula kudla ngokuba linyathelo lokuqala.
3. Qwalasela iingcaciso ezinkulu: zihlala zibuyisela umva. Yigcine imfutshane kwaye iyinyani.
4. Fumana amalungelo akho: iqonga likarhulumente Masiyeke ubuNdlobongela kunye neNkonzo-luNtu lichaze amanyathelo anokuthi athathwe xa kuthe kwakho ubundlobongela phakathi kwesibini, kubandakanywa ngokwasengqondweni.
5. Lungisa ukhuseleko lwakho: amaxwebhu abalulekileyo, imali encinci, indawo oya kuyo ukuba kuyimfuneko.
6. Fumana inkxaso: ugqirha, isazi ngengqondo, igqwetha, umbutho wokuxhasa amaxhoba, umqeqeshi.

Ngobungqina obuvela kumbono womfazi, unokufunda kwakhona i- “umyeni wam ngumqhubi we-narcissistic” .

Kwimeko yengozi: mbize3919(Ubundlobongela Femmes Info, free, engaziwa, 24/7), i17okanye i112. Ukuba awukwazi ukuthetha, thumela umyalezo114. Ukuba kukho ixhala, ukuphuthelwa, okanye ukuphelelwa lithemba, bonana nogqirha wakho.

Imibuzo ebuzwa qho

Ngaba umntu okhohlisayo angalithanda iqabane lakhe?

Uyakwazi ukunamathela, ngendlela yakhe, kodwa ubudlelwane buhlala bugxile kwiimfuno zakhe: ukuncoma, ukulawula, ukuthuthuzela. Uthando olubuyiselanayo, olubandakanya ukucingela abanye, lunzima ngale ndlela.

Ngaba i-narcissistic manipulator ingatshintsha kubudlelwane?

Utshintsho lufuna imibuzo yokwenyani kunye nomsebenzi wonyango wexesha elide. Inqabile. Kubhetele usekele izigqibo zakho kwizinto azenzayo namhlanje, kungekhona kwizithembiso zakhe.

Ngaba unyango lwezibini luluvo olulungileyo?

Ngokuqhelekileyo akukhuthazwa kwiimeko zokulawula, kuba iqabane elikhohlisayo linokusebenzisa iiseshoni ezichasene nawe. Ukubek’esweni komntu ngokuqhelekileyo kufanelekile ngakumbi.

Indlela yokwahlula isiqwenga esibi kubudlelwane obuyityhefu?

Kwimeko embi, omabini amaqabane ayabandezeleka kwaye ajonge izicombululo kunye. Kubudlelwane obuyityhefu, enye ilawula ixesha elide, kwaye iinzame zengxoxo zijika ngokuchasene nomnye.

Ukuqukumbela

Ukuqaphela i-narcissistic manipulator kubudlelwane ihlala ithetha ukubeka iminyaka yokungonwabi ngamagama. Akukho lula, kwaye ayilotyala lakho. Unelungelo lokuhlonitshwa, ukuphulaphulwa nokukhuseleka ekhaya. Ukuba ungathanda inkxaso yokucacisa imeko yakho kwaye ulungiselele okuza kulandela, fumana i-coaching yamaxhoba e-narcissistic perverts.

Imithombo

• Marie-France Hirigoyen, Le Harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien, Syros, 1998.
• Dichter M. E. et al., « Coercive Control in Intimate Partner Violence: Relationship with Women’s Experience of Violence, Use of Violence, and Danger », Psychology of Violence, 2018 : PMC6291212
• Masiluyeke ubundlobongela (urhulumente), “Ubundlobongela phakathi kwesibini”: arretonslesviolences.gouv.fr
• Inkonzo-Uluntu.fr, “Ubundlobongela basekhaya”: service-public.gouv.fr