Ukuguqulwa kwengqondo: inkcazelo, ubuchule kunye nemizekelo ebonakalayo

Usuka kwincoko uziva ngathi unikezele ungazi ukuba kutheni. Ucela uxolo ngezinto ongazenzanga. Uyathandabuza inkumbulo yakho, iimvakalelo zakho, ngamanye amaxesha ixabiso lakho. Ukuba le miboniso iyadibana nawe, unokuba ujongene ne-mental manipulation.

Igama lidla ngokusetyenziswa ngokukhululekileyo. Nangona kunjalo, emva kwayo kukho inkqubo echanekileyo, esinokufunda ukuyibona. Kule nqaku, siya kunika inkcazo ecacileyo, sihlolisise iindlela eziqhelekileyo, bonisa nganye ngomzekelo obonakalayo, emva koko ubone indlela yokuzikhusela.

Ukulawula ingqondo: ingcaciso elula

Ukukhohlisa kukufuna ukufumana into emntwini ngaphandle kokuncamathela simahla . Umbhexeshi akabuzi ngokungafihlisiyo, akaqinisekisi ngeengxoxo ezinyanisekileyo: uyasithintela isigwebo sakho. Isebenza kwiimvakalelo zakho (uloyiko, ityala, ihlazo, kufuneka uthandwe) ukuze ucinge ukuba ukhethe ngokukhululekileyo into enayo, ngokwenene, ejoliswe kuyo.

Ukulawula kufuneka kwahlulwe kwimpembelelo eqhelekileyo. Sonke sihlala sinempembelelo omnye komnye: umhlobo ocebisa incwadi kuwe, umntu osebenza naye okhusela iprojekthi yakhe entlanganisweni. Umahluko wehla kwizinto ezintathu:

• Transparency: impembelelo ithatha injongo yayo (“Ndingathanda ukuba uze”), ukukhwabanisa kuyayifihla.
• Ukuhlonipha ukwala: “hayi” yamkelwa kubudlelwane obuphilileyo; kwi-manipulator, ibangela uxinzelelo, ukuhlambalaza okanye isohlwayo.
• Inzuzo: ukuqhatha phantse kusoloko kunceda umdla womntu omnye, kube yingozi komnye.

Ukuphonononga le nuance ngakumbi, unokufunda inqaku lethu umgca phakathi kwempembelelo kunye nokukhohlisa.

Ulawulo lwamabala okanye inkqubo yokukhohlisa?

Wonke umntu unokukhohlisa usuku olunye, ngenxa yokungazinzi okanye uloyiko. Yintoni ekufuneka ikulumkise ngayo yi-repetition kunye ne-systematization. Xa iinkqubo ezifanayo zihlala zibuya, xa zikwahlula kwaye zikwenza buthathaka, asisathethi ngesikhewu kodwa malunga nokusebenza. Oku koko ugqirha wengqondo uMarie-France Hirigoyen wakuchaza phantsi kwegama logonyamelo olugqwethekileyo lwemihla ngemihla: uhlaselo olulandelelanayo oluncinane, ngalunye oluphantse lungabi nabungozi, oluphela lutshabalalisa umntu ekujoliswe kulo.

Ukuba ufuna ukuqonda ngcono iphrofayili yomntu osebenzisa ezi ndlela ngokuphindaphindiweyo, iphepha lethu manipulator: inkcazelo kunye ne-portrait igqiba esi sikhokelo.

Iindlela ezahlukeneyo zokukhohlisa

Iinkqubo zokulawula zinokudityaniswa zibe ziintsapho ezine eziphambili. Zihlala zidibanisa, nto leyo eyenza kube nzima ukuchonga ngelo xesha.

1. Ukulawulwa ngokweemvakalelo

Idlala kwiimvakalelo zakho ukukhawulezisa ukucinga kwakho. I-levers eziqhelekileyo zinetyala (“emva kwayo yonke into endikwenzele yona …”), ukwesaba (“ukuba uhamba, awuyi kubona mntu kwakhona”) kunye neentloni (“awunamahloni ukuphendula ngolo hlobo?”).

Example: uxela ukuba impelaveki uzakuyichitha nosisi wakho. Iqabane lakho aliyichasi ngokucacileyo, kodwa liyancwina, lithi “liphelile”, lithetha ngobulolo bakhe. Ugqiba ukurhoxisa, uqinisekile ukuba ibiyimbono yakho.

2. Ukuguqulwa kwengqondo

Ihlasela indlela obona ngayo ubunyani. I-gaslighting yeyona ndlela yaziwayo: ukukhanyela iinyani, ukubhala kwakhona iincoko, kukwenza ukholelwe ukuba uyayibaxa okanye ulahlekelwe yinkumbulo yakho. Ekugqibeleni, awusathembeli kwisigqibo sakho. Siqokelele imizekelo emininzi kwinqaku lethu typical gaslighting phrase.

Example: “Andizange ndiyithethe loo nto. Usaqulunqa. Kuya kufuneka uqhagamshelane, ngokungafihlisiyo.”

3. Ukulawula ubudlelwane

Isebenza kwabo bakungqongileyo kunye nendawo yakho kwiqela: ukwahlukana okuqhubekayo, unxantathu (ukuzisa umntu wesithathu ukudala umona okanye usukuzwano), ukujongelwa phantsi phakathi kwabathandekayo. Injongo kukuba uthembele ngakumbi kumthombo omnye wokuqinisekisa.

Example: iqabane lakho liphinda lithi abahlobo bakho “abakuthandi ncam” kwaye bakuxelele izinto abangazange bazithethe.

4. Ukukhohlisa ngokuhenda kunye nomvuzo

Yeyona nto ibhidisayo, kuba ibonakala ngathi luthando. Uthando lokuqhubhisa ibhombu ekuqaleni kobudlelwane, ukuncoma okugqithileyo, izipho emva kwengxabano: imivuzo emininzi kakhulu eyenza ukuncamathela okunzulu kunye nohlobo lwetyala leemvakalelo.

Example: emva korhatya lwezingcikivo, isipha seentyatyambo kunye nomyalezo othambileyo ufika ngentsasa elandelayo. Uzixelele ukuba “kuya kuba ngcono”.

Iindlela zokuphatha eziqhelekileyo

Nazi iinkqubo ezihlala zifunyanwa phakathi kwabantu abakhohlisayo. Akukho nanye, yodwa, yanele ukubeka ileyibhile. Yingqokelela yazo ekufuneka ikulumkise.

• I-bind ephindwe kabini: nokuba yintoni na ukusabela kwakho, kuya kuba kubi. Ukuba uyathetha, “wenza umsindo”; ukuba uthe cwaka, “uyancwina”.
• Ukungacaci ngamabomu: iimpendulo ezingacacanga, izithembiso azizange zenziwe, utshintsho lwengqondo ngaphandle kwengcaciso. Uhlala ulindile.
• Role reversal: uza kuvakalisa ukwenzakala, kwaye uhamba sele ucele uxolo.
• Punitive silence: ukungamhoyi omnye umntu iiyure okanye iintsuku ukumenza anikezele. Sithetha malunga noku ngokubanzi kwinqaku lethu silent treatment.
• Micro-attacks: iibarbs ezincinci, i-innuendoes, ukuhlazisa “amahlaya”. Ngamnye ubonakala engabalulekanga, isimbuku sabo siyonakalisa. Jonga kwakhona everyday devaluation.
• Inyawo emnyango: Ukufumana “ewe” encinci, emva koko enkulu, emva koko enkulu, de ude uyeke izinto ezibalulekileyo ngaphandle kokuqaphela.
• Generalization: “uhlala unjalo”, “awukhe wenze nto”. Ungcikivo luba ngumntu onguye.

Iimpawu ezi-6 zomntu okhohlisayo

Ngaphandle kokubanga ukwenza uxilongo, sihlala sijonga kwii-manipulators ezingapheliyo:

1. UA intetho eguqukayo ngokuxhomekeke kwi-interlocutor: inomtsalane esidlangalaleni, iqhwa ngasese.
2. Akukwazi ukuqaphela iimpazamo zomntu: isiphoso sihlala silele kwabanye.
3. UA Ukusetyenziswa kobuchule bokutyala: uhlala uziva unetyala.
4. Uqwalaselo oluphantsi kwiimfuno zakho: Iimvakalelo zakho ziyacuthwa okanye ziyahlekwa.
5. A isidingo solawulo: phezu kwemali, ukuphuma, ukuthandana, umnxeba.
6. Unxibelelwano olungathanga ngqo: izinxulumanisi, imiyalezo egqithiswe ngabantu besithathu, engachazwanga.

Xa ezi mpawu zihamba kunye nesidingo sokuncoma kunye nokungabi novelwano, sisondela ngokusondeleyo ekusebenzeni okuchazwe phantsi kwegama elithi narcissistic perversion. Inqaku lethu le-manipulator kunye ne-narcissistic pervert iinkcukacha zesi khonkco.

Xa ukukhohlisa kuba bubundlobongela obungokwengqondo

Kwizibini ezitshatileyo, ukukhohlisa ngokuphindaphindiweyo kunokukhokelela kwinto yokwenene ubundlobongela ngokwasengqondweni. Abaphandi bathetha “ngokulawula okunyanzeliswayo”: isethi yeendlela zokuziphatha (ukwahlula, ukubeka iliso, ukuthotywa, izisongelo) ezibamba ixhoba kubudlelwane, ngamanye amaxesha ngaphandle kokwenzakaliswa. Uhlalutyo olupapashwe kwi-2024 kwijenali Violence Against Women igxininisa kulo mlinganiso wokuvalelwa okuqhubekayo, ngexesha elifanayo ngokwasengqondweni, ezentlalo kunye nezinto eziphathekayo.

EFransi, ugonyamelo lwengqondo phakathi kwesibini luvunywa ngumthetho kwaye lunokuxelwa. Iphepha elisemthethweni leNkonzo yoLuntu elijongene nobundlobongela basekhaya lichaza amanyathelo anokwenzeka kunye neenombolo zoqhagamshelwano.

Ukuba uziva usengozini, mbize3919(Ubundlobongela beFemmes Info, simahla kwaye engaziwa), i17(amapolisa kaxakeka) okanye112(Ezingxamisekileyo zaseYurophu). Ungakwazi nokuthumela iSMS ku-114 ukuba awukwazi ukuthetha.

Indlela yokusabela kubuchule: amanyathelo asi-7

Awukwazi ukutshintsha i-manipulator. Kwelinye icala, unokuyinciphisa impembelelo yayo kuwe. Nantsi indlela eqhubekayo:

1. Qamba ukuba kwenzeke ntoni. Bhala phantsi isiganeko, amagama achanekileyo, indlela oziva ngayo. Ukubeka amagama kukubuyisela amandla.
2. Gcina ijenali. Bhala phantsi imihla kunye namanqaku. Oku kukukhusela ekukhanyeni kwegesi kwaye kuya kukunceda ukuba ufuna ukufumana amalungelo akho.
3. Musa ukuthethelela yonke into. Xa uzichaza ngakumbi, kokukhona uthatha ngakumbi. Isivakalisi esifutshane sanele: “Andivumi” okanye “Ndiya kucinga ngayo.”
4. Thatha ixesha ngaphambi kokuba uphendule. Ukukhohlisa kuxhomekeke kungxamiseko. “Ndiza kubuyela kuwe ngomso” yimpendulo esemthethweni.
5. Hlala ugxininise kwiinyani. Musa ukubanjiswa kwiingxoxo ezingapheliyo malunga neenjongo zakho okanye umlingiswa wakho.
6. Yenza kwakhona izixhumanisi kunye nehlabathi langaphandle. Xhumana kwakhona nomhlobo, isihlobo, umbutho. Imbono yangaphandle liyeza elinamandla.
7. Fumana inkxaso. Ingcali yezempilo, igqwetha, umbutho wokuxhasa amaxhoba okanye umqeqeshi oqeqeshwe kwezi meko unokukunceda ubone izinto ngokucacileyo.

Ukuya phambili, isikhokelo sethu indlela yokuba namandla kune-manipulator ibonelela ngeempendulo ezibambekayo oza kuzisebenzisa yonke imihla.

Kutheni kunzima kangaka ukuqonda oku?

Ukuba uzibeka ityala ngokungakhange “ubone” kwangethuba, yiba nobubele kuwe. Ukukhohlisa kusebenza ngokuchanekileyo kuba kunobulumko kwaye kuqhubela phambili. Isekelwe kwiimpawu: ukunyaniseka kwakho, uvelwano lwakho, umnqweno wakho wokuba ubudlelwane busebenze. Ikwatshintshana namaxesha anzima kunye namaxesha athambileyo, agcina ithemba.

Kuqhelekile ukuba uqaphele kuphela imeko xa i-manipulator ihamba okanye ihamba. Ukuba le yimeko yakho, inqaku elithi xa umqhatha ehamba ngokusisigxina inokukunceda uqonde into ohamba kuyo.

Imibuzo ebuzwa qho

Zeziphi ezona mpawu zikhohlisayo?

Okona kutyhilwa kakhulu kukuziva unetyala okuphindaphindiweyo, ukukhanyela iinyani oye wadibana nazo, ukubuyisela umva indima ethile (uhlala ugqibelisa ngokucela uxolo) kunye nokuzahlula okuqhubekayo kwabo bakungqongileyo.

Ngaba ukulawulwa kwengqondo kunokohlwaywa ngumthetho?

Ukukhwabanisa ngolo hlobo akulotyala, kodwa iziphumo zalo zinokuthi: ukuxhatshazwa kokuziphatha, kubandakanywa phakathi kwesibini, kunye nobundlobongela obungokwengqondo buvunywa ngumthetho waseFransi. Igqwetha okanye umbutho oxhasa amaxhoba unokukukhokela.

Ngaba umntu okhohlisayo uyazi ukuba uyakhohlisa?

Ungasoloko uqonda. Abanye abantu bafunde la maqhinga kwangethuba kwaye bawasebenzise ngokucinga. Oku akuyisusi imiphumo yazo kuwe, okanye ilungelo lakho lokuzikhusela.

Ngaba unokuchacha kubudlelwane obukhohlisayo?

Ewe. Kuthatha ixesha, kodwa ukubuyisela ukuzithemba kwisigwebo sakho kunokwenzeka, ngakumbi ngenkxaso efanelekileyo. Ukuba unengxaki yokuxhalaba, ukuphuthelwa okanye iimpawu zokudakumba, thetha nogqirha wakho okanye isazi sengqondo.

Isishwankathelo

Ukulawulwa kwengqondo akunakuphepheka. Isekwe kwiindlela ezichongiweyo: ukudlala ngeemvakalelo zakho, ukwenza mfiliba indlela ozibona ngayo izinto, ukukwahlula kunye nokukuvuza ngamaxesha athile. Ukuziqonda sele uqalisa ukuzikhulula kuzo. Hamba ngesantya sakho, zingqonge, kwaye ukhumbule ukuba iimvakalelo zakho zifanelekile.

Ukuba ufuna inkxaso ukuze uqonde imeko yakho kwaye uphinde wakhe iibheringi zakho, ungafumanisa inkxaso enikezelwa kumaxhoba e-narcissistic perverts.

Imithombo

• Marie-France Hirigoyen, Le Harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien, Syros, 1998.
• Tolmie J. et al., « Understanding Intimate Partner Violence: Why Coercive Control Requires a Social and Systemic Entrapment Framework », Violence Against Women, 2024 : PMC10666472
• Inkonzo-Uluntu.fr, “Ubundlobongela basekhaya”: service-public.gouv.fr