Ukuxhashazwa okunobugovu ebudlelwaneni: indlela yokukubona empilweni yansuku zonke

Ekuqaleni, konke kwakumnandi. Kancane kancane, isimo sashintsha. Amazwi aba bukhali, ukuthula kwaba nzima, wazithola uhamba ngamagobolondo amaqanda ekhaya lakho. Manje uyazibuza ukuthi uhlala nomuntu umuntu ophambukile ozithanda ngokweqile ebudlelwaneni.

Lesi sihloko ngeke sinikeze ukuxilongwa: uchwepheshe kuphela ongahlola ubuntu bomuntu. Kodwa-ke, sinikeza izinkomba eziqondile, zansuku zonke zokukusiza ukuthi uqaphele ukuphazamiseka kobuntu obuzithandayo ebudlelwaneni bothando, kanye neziphakamiso zokuzivikela.

Umuntu othanda ukuzikhukhumeza othandweni: sikhuluma ngani?

Inkulumo ethi “i-narcissistic indismist” yathandwa kakhulu eFrance ngusosayensi wezifo zengqondo uPaul-Claude Racamier, wabe esesetshenziswa ngudokotela wezifo zengqondo uMarie-France Hirigoyen ku Ukuhlukunyezwa NgokwengqondoKubhekisela kumuntu, ukuze azizwe eyigugu, okudingeka alulaze, alawule, futhi asebenzise abanye, ngaphandle kwecala langempela. Akuyona indlela esemthethweni yokuxilongwa ngezigaba zengqondo, kodwa incazelo yezokwelapha ewusizo kakhulu yokuqonda ubudlelwano obuthile obuhlukumezayo.

Ngaphakathi kwababili, lokhu kuguquguquka akuvamile ukuvezwa ngendlela emangalisayo. Kukhula kancane kancane, okwenza kube nzima ukukubona ngaphakathi. Abacwaningi abafunda ngobudlova basekhaya manje babhekisela kukho ngokuthi “ukulawula okuphoqelelayo”: ucwaningo olwanyatheliswa ngo-2018 ku Psychology Yodlame kukhombisa ukuthi lokhu kulawula, ngisho nangaphandle kobudlova obungokomzimba, kuhlotshaniswa nezinga eliphezulu lengozi yezisulu.

Indlela yokubona umhlukumezi ozikhukhumezayo ebudlelwaneni nsuku zonke

Nazi izindlela zokuziphatha ezibikwa kakhulu. Okukodwa akwanele ukufinyelela esiphethweni; ukuphindaphinda nokuhlanganiswa kwazo okufanele kukuxwayise.

1. I-idealization yokuqala enamandla kakhulu

Izimemezelo zothando ezisheshayo, izinhlelo zesikhathi esizayo phakathi kwamasonto ambalwa okuqala, umuzwa wokuthi usumtholile “lowo.” Lesi sigaba sakha ukunamathelana okunamandla, ozofuna ukubuyela kukho. Sichaza le ndlela ku umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza.

2. Ukugxekwa okufihliwe njengeseluleko noma ihlaya

“Ngikusho lokhu ukuze kuzuze wena,” “awunawo nhlobo amahlaya.” Amazwi agxile ekubukekeni kwakho, ekuhlakanipheni kwakho, emndenini wakho, ekukhuliseni kwakho izingane. Ugcina uzibona ngamehlo abo. Isihloko sethu mayelana ukwehla Bhala lawa mabinzana abhubhisayo.

3. Kushisa futhi kubanda

Uzwela ngolunye usuku, uqine ngolunye usuku, ngaphandle kwesizathu esibonakalayo. Uchitha isikhathi sakho ufuna lokho “okwenzile okungalungile.” Ukuthula kungaba yisijeziso ngokwako: yikona ukwelashwa buthule.

4. Umuzwa wecala oshintsha izinhlangothi

Ufika uzoveza ubuhlungu, uhamba uxolisa. Yonke ingxabano iphela ngenxa yakho. ukuhlukunyezwa ngokomzwelo iyithuluzi elivamile lokufeza lokhu kuguquka.

5. Ukuzihlukanisa okuqhubekayo

Abangani bakho “abayona inkampani enhle,” umndeni wakho “uyakubangela ukuba uphikisane nabo.” Ukuphuma kuba nzima, ukuvakasha kuba yinto engavamile. Ngaphandle kokuqaphela, umhlaba wakho uyancipha.

6. Ukulimaza impumelelo yakho

Kuqubuka impikiswano ngosuku olungaphambi kwengxoxo ebalulekile, ukugula okungazelelwe ngosuku lwakho lokuzalwa, ukuphawula okubandayo lapho umemezela izindaba ezinhle. Lokhu isabatha ihlose ukuqinisekisa ukuthi awukhazimli ngaphandle kwayo.

7. Ukulawula okuqondile

Imibuzo ephindaphindwayo mayelana nesimiso sakho, ukuhlola ifoni yakho, ukuphatha imali yakho “ukuze kube lula ukuphila kwakho.” Uma kuthathwa ngazinye, lezi zenzo zingase zibonakale njengokulalela. Zihlangene, zembula ukulawula.

8. Ubuso obubili

Kuhle, kuyasiza, futhi kuyahlekisa emphakathini; kuyakhahlameza, kuyadelela, noma akunandaba ekhaya. Abathandekayo bakho bakuthola kunzima ukukukholwa, okuqinisa ukuzehlukanisa kwakho.

9. Ukubhala kabusha iqiniso

“Angikaze ngisho lokho,” “uzwela kakhulu,” “uyaqamba amanga.” Ekugcineni, uyangabaza inkumbulo yakho. Lokhu kuwukukhanya kwegesi, enye yezindlela eziphazamisa kakhulu ukuxhashazwa kwengqondo.

Owesifazane oziqhenyayo ebudlelwaneni: izindlela ezifanayo

Umuntu othanda ukuzikhukhumeza akahlali eyindoda. Abesifazane nabo bangabonisa lokhu kuziphatha, futhi izisulu zesilisa zivame ukungakwazi ukukhuluma ngakho. Izindlela ziyafana: ukwenza izinto zibe ngcono, ukwehlisa isithunzi, ukulawula, kanye nokukhubeka ngecala. Uma uyindoda kulesi simo, isihloko sethu Indoda ehlukunyezwe owesifazane ozikhukhumezayo nokhohlisayo kuhloswe ngawe.

Lokho umuntu abhekana nakho kulo mbhangqwana

Ukuqonda indlela abanye abasebenza ngayo kuhilela nokulalela imizwa yakho. Izisulu zivame ukuchaza:

• ukukhathala okuqhubekayo, njengokungathi ubuhlobo budla wonke amandla abo;
• ukulahlekelwa ukuzethemba kubo, kuyilapho babezethemba kakhulu ngaphambili;
• ukuqapha okuqhubekayo, ubheke isimo sengqondo esilandelayo;
• umuzwa wokungasaziboni;
• ukuphazamiseka kokulala, ukukhathazeka, ngezinye izikhathi izimpawu zomzimba.

Le mizwa iyizibonakaliso eziyisixwayiso ezifanele. Ivame ukukhombisa isimoukubamba ngokwengqondo.

Kungani kunzima kangaka ukuhamba?

Uma ungaphandle, umbuzo uvame ukuvela: “Kungani uhlala?” Uma ungaphakathi, impendulo iyinkimbinkimbi kakhulu. Kunezindlela eziningana ezisetshenziswayo:

• Ithemba Ubumazi umuntu omuhle kusukela ekuqaleni futhi ulindele ukubuya kwakhe. Yonke imizuzu ethambile ivuselela lelo themba.
• Isixhumanisi esibuhlungu : ukushintshana phakathi kobumnene nonya kudala ukunamathelana okunamandla kakhulu, cishe umlutha.
• Ukulahlekelwa ukuzethemba : ngemva kwezinyanga zokugxekwa, uyangabaza ukuthi ungakwazi ukudlula kulokhu wedwa.
• Imikhawulo esebenzayo : izingane, indawo yokuhlala, imali, ukwesaba ukusabela komunye umuntu.
• i honte : wesaba ukwahlulelwa ngokuthi “ukubekezelele” isikhathi eside kangaka.

Ukuqonda lezi zindlela akukuphoqi ukuba wenze noma yini. Kumane kukuvumela ukuthi uyeke ukuzisola ngokungahambi ngokushesha. Uma uzizwa ubanjwe yilokhu okunamathiselwe, uhlelo lwethu ukugqashula ekuxhomekeni ngokomzwelo kungakusiza ukuthi uqhubekele phambili isinyathelo ngesinyathelo.

Khumbula ukuthi isikhathi sokuhlukana sivame ukuba bucayi kakhulu: yisikhathi lapho umlingani olawulayo esengozini yokulahlekelwa yisandla sakhe. Ukulungiselela lesi sikhathi, ngokuzungezwa ukwesekwa nolwazi, kuyindlela yokuzivikela yangempela.

Uhlu Lokuhlola: Ubuhlobo bakho ngemibuzo eyi-10

Phendula ngokwethembeka, wena wedwa:

• ☐ Ingabe ngiyesaba kakhulu ukusabela kwakhe kangangokuthi kufanele ngilungise engikushoyo?
• ☐ Ingabe nginomuzwa wokuthi konke kuyiphutha lami njalo?
• ☐ Ingabe angibaboni abantu engibathandayo kakhulu kunangaphambi kobudlelwano?
• ☐ Ingabe impumelelo yami ibangela ukubanda noma ingxabano?
• ☐ Ingabe ngike ngibe nokungabaza ngenkumbulo yami ngemva kwengxoxo?
• ☐ Ingabe ukuxolisa kwakhe kulandelwa ukuziphatha okufanayo?
• ☐ Ingabe uyalawula imali yami, ifoni yami, noma ukuphuma kwami?
• ☐ Ingabe uhlukile kakhulu emphakathini nangasese?
• ☐ Ingabe ukuthula kusetshenziswa njengesijeziso?
• ☐ Angisazazi yini?

Uma ubeka amabhokisi amaningana, akwenzi umlingani wakho abe “ngumuntu ohloniphekile” othanda ukuzikhukhumeza, kodwa kubonisa ukuthi ubuhlobo bukulimaza futhi bufanelwe ukubhekana nabo, okungcono kakhulu ngombono wangaphandle.

Yini okufanele uyenze uma uzibona?

1. Qaphela amaqiniso Izinsuku, amagama, ukuziphatha: le magazini ikuvikela ekungabazeni futhi ingasebenza njengobufakazi.
2. Khuluma nomuntu omethembayo. Ukuqeda ukuthula ngokuvamile kuyisinyathelo sokuqala.
3. Gwema izincazelo ezinde Bavame ukukuphikisa. Gcina kufushane futhi kuyiqiniso.
4. Thola ulwazi ngamalungelo akho Ipulatifomu kahulumeni i-Arrêtons les violences kanye ne-Service-Public zichaza izinyathelo ezingase zithathwe uma kwenzeka udlame lwasekhaya, okuhlanganisa nodlame olungokwengqondo.
5. Lungiselela ukuphepha kwakho amadokhumenti abalulekile, imali ethile, indawo ongaya kuyo uma kudingeka.
6. Thola umuntu ozohamba nawe : udokotela, isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo, ummeli, inhlangano yokusekela izisulu, umqeqeshi.

Ukuze uthole ubufakazi obuvela embonweni womkakho, ungafunda futhi “Umyeni wami ungumuntu othanda ukuzikhukhumeza.”.

Uma kwenzeka ingozi : shayela ucingo 3919 (Ulwazi Lodlame Lwabesifazane, mahhala, olungaziwa, amahora angu-24 ngosuku, izinsuku eziyi-24 ngesonto), 17 noma 112Uma ungakwazi ukukhuluma, thumela umlayezo wombhalo ku 114Uma kuvela ukukhathazeka, ukuqwasha, noma imizwa yokuphelelwa yithemba, thintana nodokotela wakho.

Imibuzo fréquentes

Ingabe umuntu othanda ukuzikhukhumeza angamthanda umlingani wakhe?

Angase anamathele, ngendlela yakhe, kodwa ubuhlobo buhlala bugxile ezidingweni zakhe: ukunconywa, ukulawula, induduzo. Uthando oluhambisanayo, olusho ukunaka omunye umuntu, lunzima kulokhu kuguquguquka.

Ingabe umuntu ophambukile ozithanda ngokweqile angashintsha ebudlelwaneni?

Ushintsho ludinga ukuzicabangela kwangempela kanye nenqubo yokwelapha yesikhathi eside. Akuvamile. Kungcono ukusekela izinqumo zakho kulokho akwenzayo namuhla, hhayi kulokho akuthembisayo.

Ingabe ukwelashwa kwemibhangqwana kuwumqondo omuhle?

Ngokuvamile akukhuthazwa ezimweni zokulawula okuphoqelelwe, njengoba umlingani okhohlisayo angasebenzisa izikhathi zokubhekana nawe. Ukwelashwa komuntu ngamunye ngokuvamile kufaneleke kakhulu.

Ungahlukanisa kanjani phakathi kwe-patch enzima nobudlelwano obunobuthi?

Esikhathini esinzima, bobabili abalingani bayahlupheka futhi bafuna izixazululo ndawonye. Ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi, omunye umuntu ugcina ukubusa okuhlala isikhathi eside, kanti imizamo yokuxoxisana iyamjikela omunye.

Isiphetho

Ukuqaphela umhlukumezi ozikhukhumezayo ebudlelwaneni kuvame ukusho ukuthi ekugcineni ubeka amazwi eminyakeni yokungajabuli. Akulula, futhi akulona iphutha lakho. Unelungelo lokuhlonishwa, ukulalelwa, nokuvikeleka ekhaya lakho. Uma ungathanda ukwesekwa ukuze ucacise isimo sakho futhi ulungiselele okulandelayo, thola ukuqeqeshwa kwezisulu zabahlukumezi abazikhukhumezayo.

Imithombo

• UMarie-France Hirigoyen, Ukuhlukunyezwa kokuziphatha: ubudlova obuhlanekezelwe nsuku zonke, uSyros, 1998.
• UDichter ME nabanye, “Ukulawula Okuphoqelelayo Kubudlova Obuseduze Komlingani: Ubudlelwano Nokuhlangenwe Nakho Kwabesifazane Ngobudlova, Ukusetshenziswa Kobudlova, Nengozi,” Psychology Yodlame2018: I-PMC6291212
• Masiyeke ubudlova (uhulumeni), “Ubudlova basekhaya”: arretonslesviolences.gouv.fr
• I-Service-Public.fr, “Udlame Lwasekhaya”: isevisi-public.gouv.fr

Izinombolo zocingo ezithi 17, 3114 no-3919 ezishiwo kuleli khasi zisebenza ezinsizeni zaseFrance.