Ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo: oonobangela, imiqondiso kunye neziphumo ebudaleni

Ngamanye amaxesha uvakalelwa kukuba “unomngxuma” ngaphakathi ekungekho nto inokuzalisa. Ukuncoma kukwenzela ilizwe lokulunga, emva koko kuguquke. Ukungaphenduli kukufaka kwintlungu. Unikela kakhulu, ngokufuthi kakhulu, ngethemba lokufumana imfudumalo encinane njengembuyekezo. Into oyichazayo ivakala ngathi emotional withdrawal.

Ukusilela ngokweemvakalelo akubobuthathaka. Idla ngokuba ngumkhondo wentswelo esisiseko eyayingondliwa ngokwaneleyo, ngexesha apho sasixhomekeke ngokupheleleyo kwabanye. Kule nqaku, siza kubona apho ivela khona, indlela ezibonakalisa ngayo xa ikhulile, imiphumo yayo kubudlelwane, kwaye ngaphezu kwayo yonke indlela yokunyamekela.

Ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo: inkcazelo

Sithetha ngokuhluthwa ngokweemvakalelo (okanye ukungabikho kothando) xa umntu engazange ayifumane, okanye engayifumani, inyameko, ububele, ukuqondwa nokhuseleko lweemvakalelo alufunayo. Eli gama libandakanya iinyani ezimbini ezihlala zihambelana enye kwenye:

• old ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo, onamava ebuntwaneni: abazali abangekho, baxinezelekile, begodola, bengalindelekanga, okanye bona ngokwabo besentlungwini;
• Ukungabikho ngokweemvakalelo kwangoku, onamava kubudlelwane babantu abadala: iqabane elikude, elingenamdla okanye elisasaza uthando kwiidrib kunye needrabs.

Aba babini bayatyisana: umntu owayengenalo uthando esengumntwana unokutsaleleka, engazi, kulwalamano oluvelisa oku kungabikho. Sihlolisise eli khonkco kwinqaku lethu le-emotional deprivation kunye nobudlelwane kunye ne-narcissistic pervert.

Oonobangela bokusilela ngokweemvakalelo

Ebuntwaneni

Umntwana kufuneka azive ebonwa, ethuthuzelekile, ekhuselwe. Xa ezi mfuno zingafezekiswanga ngokuthembekileyo ngokwaneleyo, uphuhlisa amacebo okuziqhelanisa: ukuzenza abe mncinane kakhulu, abe sisilumko kakhulu, enze yonke into ngokukholisa, okanye ngokuchaseneyo noko akasaceli nto. Phakathi kweemeko eziqhelekileyo:

• umzali ongafumanekiyo ngokweemvakalelo (ukudakumba, ukukhotyokiswa, ukuxinana);
• imfundo apho uthando luxhomekeke kwiziphumo okanye intobelo;
• Ukurhoxa ngokweemvakalelo kwabazali kusetyenziswe njengesohlwayo;
• ukwahlukana kakubi, ukufelwa, ukulaliswa esibhedlele;
• umzali ongenamdla, owayelindele ukuba umntwana ahlangabezane neemfuno zakhe.

Uphando lunomdla kakhulu kula mava. Uphononongo olupapashwe ngo-2023 ngo Brain and Behavior iphonononge iziphumo zexesha elide zeentlobo ezahlukeneyo zokwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni, kubandakanywa ukungahoywa ngokweemvakalelo, kwaye yabona umahluko ekusebenzeni kwengqondo xa umntu emdala. Oku akuthethi ukuba yonke into isiphetho sangaphambili, kodwa ukuba oku kwenzakala kushiya umkhondo wangempela, ofanelwe ukuthathwa ngokungathí sina. Ukuya phambili, funda inqaku lethu ukwenzakala ebuntwaneni.

Njengomntu omdala

Ukungabikho ngokweemvakalelo kunokuvela okanye kuvuselele ubudlelwane obudala: iqabane elingazange libonise ukuthantamisa, ongazihoyi izicelo zakho, otshintshana phakathi kwengqwalasela enzulu kunye nokungakhathali. Kubudlelwane nomntu okhohlisayo, uthando lude lube sisixhobo solawulo: lunikezelwa xa uthobela, luyarhoxiswa xa uxhathisa.

Iimpawu zokunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo kubantu abadala

Ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo kuchongwa kancinane koko sikuthethayo kunangesiva kwenzekayo. Nazi ezona zibonakaliso zixhaphakileyo:

• Uloyiko olunzulu lokulahlwa: ukulibaziseka, umyalezo ongaphendulwanga, kunye nokuxhalaba kuyanda.
• I-A idinga rhoqo ukuqinisekiswa: “uyandithanda? “,” Ngaba awucaphuki? “.
• Ubunzima bokuthi no, ngenxa yokoyika ukuphulukana nothando lomnye umntu.
• A utyekelo lokunikela kakhulu: ixesha, imali, amandla, ukuba ufanelwe ukuthandwa.
• Ua ukuzithemba okubuthathaka, okuxhomekeke kwiimbono zabanye.
• Umona okanye ukungakhuseleki ngokweemvakalelo kunzima ukuxolisa.
• A ukuziva ungento xa uwedwa, ngamanye amaxesha uzaliswe kukutya, izikrini, umsebenzi okanye ukuthenga.
• Ubudlelwane obuphindaphindiweyo kunye namaqabane angafumaneki kakhulu.

Ukunqongophala komsa kubasetyhini, emadodeni

Ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo kuchaphazela wonke umntu, kodwa ngamanye amaxesha kubonakaliswa ngokwahlukileyo ngokuxhomekeke kwimfundo efunyenweyo. Amabhinqa amaninzi aye afunda ukubuyisela imbuyekezo ngokunyamekela abanye, esichengeni sokuzilibala. Amadoda amaninzi afunde ukuba angabonisi iimfuno zawo, nto leyo enokubangela ukurhoxa, ukucaphuka okanye ukutyala imali kakhulu emsebenzini. Kuzo zombini ezi meko, imfuno iyafana: ukuziva uthandwa kwaye ukhuselekile.

Ukunqongophala komsa kwisibini: iziphumo

Ithiyori encamatheleyo, evela kumsebenzi kaJohn Bowlby, inceda ukuqonda ukuba yintoni esemngciphekweni. Uphononongo olupapashwe kwi-2017 kwi Current Opinion in Psychology ukhumbula ukuba abantu abanobudlelwane obungakhuselekanga basabela ngamandla ngakumbi kuxinzelelo kubudlelwane babo bothando: abanye bafuna ukusondela ngokuxhalabileyo, abanye bazivalele ngaphandle ukuze bazikhusele.

Ngokucacileyo, ukungabikho kwengqondo kunokukhokelela ku:

• a ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo: enye iba ngumthombo wokhuseleko kuphela (jonga inqaku lethu emotional dependence);
• ukunyamezela okugqithisileyo ukuziphatha okulimazayo, ngenxa yokwesaba ukulahlekelwa ubudlelwane;
• Iingxabano eziphindiweyo malunga nokufumaneka, umona, imfuno yobungqina;
• I-Qengozini kwii-manipulators, abakhawuleza babone le mfuno kwaye bazi ukuba bayisebenzise njani, umzekelo ngokuqhunyiswa kwebhomu yothando;
• a loss of self- confidence, ngakumbi xa iqabane lirhoxisa uthando ukuba lijezise. Inqaku lethu kwi-ukungabikho kokuzithemba kwizibini iphonononga le ngongoma ngobunzulu obukhulu.

Ukuba uyazazi ukuba ukwi-attachment enexhala, unokufunda inqaku lethu ku-understand i-anxious attachment.

Indlela yokunyamekela ukusilela kwakho ngokweemvakalelo: Iingcebiso ezi-6

Awunako ukuthatha indawo yobuntwana obungenabo. Kodwa sinokufunda ukuzinikela, kwaye samkele, into ebesilela kuyo. Nazi ezinye iingcamango eziphathekayo:

1. Yazi imfuneko ngaphandle kokugweba. Udinga uthando ngumntu. Ingxaki ayisosidingo, kuxa ikhokelela ekubeni wamkele into engamkelekanga.
2. Fumana izinto ezikubangelayo. Ngawaphi amaxesha avuselela ukuziva ungento yanto okanye ulahliwe? Ukubathiya kukuvumela ukuba usabele ngendlela eyahlukileyo.
3. Yahlula imithombo yakho yothando. Abahlobo, intsapho ekhethiweyo, imisebenzi edibeneyo, izilwanyana: imfuno yakho akufanele ihlale kumntu omnye.
4. Qeqesha ukuba nobubele. Thetha nawe njengoko ubuya kuthetha nomntwana omthandayo. Kubonakala kulula; Kukuzilolonga ngokwenene.
5. Funda ukumisela imida. Ukuthi hayi ngaphandle kokulahlekelwa luthando lwabanye ngamava okubuyisela: kukubonisa ukuba uthando olunempilo aluzuzwa.
6. Fumana inkxaso. I-Psychotherapy egxile kwi-attachment inokunceda ukuphinda ubuyele kwimbali yamandulo. Umqeqeshi unokunceda ukutshintsha indlela yokuziphatha yemihla ngemihla.

Yintoni ukuhluthwa ngokweemvakalelo akunjalo

Ukunqongophala komsa akusiyo isifo sengqondo. Yinkcazelo yamava, aluncedo ekuqondeni indlela umntu asabela ngayo. Nangona kunjalo, inokuthi ihlale kunye nokuphazamiseka okudinga unyango: ukudakumba, ukuphazamiseka kwexhala, ukuphazamiseka kokutya. IWorld Health Organization ithi ukuphazamiseka kwengqondo kuxhaphakile yaye kukho unyango olusebenzayo. Ukuba ukubandezeleka kwakho kuhleli, kubi okanye kukuthintele ukuba uphile ngendlela eqhelekileyo, “akukokuswela nje uthando”: sisizathu esivakalayo sokubonisana.

Ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo nako asinto ingenakuphepheka edluliselwa kwisizukulwana ukuya kwesinye. Ukuqaphela into oyiphosileyo kuhlala kukuvumela ukuba uphephe ukuyiphinda nabantwana bakho okanye obathandayo.

Uluhlu: ingaba kukunqongophala kweemvakalelo okundenza ndisokole?

• ☐ Ndihlala ndisoyika ukulahlwa, nokuba kungekho sizathu sibambekayo.
• ☐ Ndinengxaki yokuziva ndodwa.
• ☐ Ndiziva ndinoxanduva ngemo yabanye.
• ☐ Ndiyazamkela izimilo ezindikhathazayo ukuze ndingaphulukani nomntu.
• ☐ Ndikhumbula iintshukumo ezimbalwa zobubele ebuntwaneni bam.
• ☐ Ndizifumana ndikubudlelwane nabantu abangafumaneki kakhulu.

Iimpendulo ezininzi ezintle azenzi uxilongo, kodwa zibonisa imfuno efanelwe ingqalelo yakho, kwaye mhlawumbi neyengcali.

I-Inqaku lezempilo: ukuba ukuhoxiswa kweemvakalelo kukhatshwa lusizi oluqhubekayo, ukuxhalaba okunamandla, iingxaki zokulala okanye iingcamango ezimnyama, thetha nogqirha wakho okanye isazi sengqondo. Kwimeko yoxinzelelo, i-3114 (ukuthintela ukuzibulala) iphendula iiyure ezingama-24 ngosuku. Kwimeko yobundlobongela basekhaya, fowunela i-3919, 17 okanye 112.

Imibuzo ebuzwa qho

Ziziphi iimpawu zokungabi naluthando?

Eyona nto ixhaphakileyo kukoyika ukulahlwa, imfuneko yokuqinisekiswa, ubunzima bokuthi hayi, ukuzithemba okubuthathaka kunye nokuziva ungento yanto xa uwedwa.

Ngaba ukuswela iimvakalelo kunokunyangeka?

Inokuzola ngokunzulu. Ngokusebenza kwi-attachment kunye nokuzithemba, kunye nokuphila ubudlelwane obukhuselekileyo, abantu abaninzi bafumana ibhalansi ehlala ihleli.

Ngaba ukuvinjwa ngokweemvakalelo kukwenza ube sesichengeni kubaphathi be-narcissistic?

Inokunyusa ubuthathaka, kuba i-manipulator ekuqaleni inikezela ngokuthe ngqo into engekhoyo: ingqalelo, ukuncoma, izithembiso. Ukuqonda oku kulukhuselo lokwenene.

Uthini umahluko phakathi kokungabikho ngokweemvakalelo kunye nokuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo?

Ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo kubhekisa kwimfuno engafezekiyo; ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo yenye yeendlela zokuphendula, ngokubambelela kubudlelwane kukonakala.

Ukuqukumbela

Ukunqongophala ngokweemvakalelo kubalisa ibali: imfuno esemthethweni ebingasoloko ifumana impendulo. Namhlanje unokufunda ukuphendula ngokuhlukileyo, ngobumnene kunye nomonde, kwaye ukhethe ubudlelwane apho uthando luhamba kumacala omabini. Ukuba uyalushiya ubudlelwane olwenze nzulu olu kungabikho kwaye ungathanda ukuxhaswa, ungafumana inkxaso ye- kumaxhoba e-narcissistic perverts.

Imithombo

• Simpson J. A. et Rholes W. S., « Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships », Current Opinion in Psychology, 2017 : PMC4845754
• Cai J. et al., « Long-term effects of childhood trauma subtypes on adult brain function », Brain and Behavior, 2023 : PMC10175996
• Umbutho wezeMpilo weHlabathi, “Ukuphazamiseka kwengqondo” (iphepha lokukopela): who.int