I-Trauma yabantwana: Ukuqonda i-Toxic Bonds

Ukwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni ngamava abuhlungu ashiya amanqaku anzulu nangabonakaliyo. Ezi ziva zeemvakalelo zinempembelelo kwindlela umntu abona ngayo kwaye abandakanyeke kubudlelwane njengomntu omdala. Bahlala besebenzisa ubuthathaka ukusuka ebuntwaneni ukuseka ubudlelwane obukhohlisayo. Eli nqaku liphonononga indlela umonzakalo wobuntwana obumba ubudlelwane obuyityhefu ebudaleni, kugxininiswa kwiqhina lokwenzakala.

Yintoni ukwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni?

Ukwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni kubhekisa kuso nasiphi na isiganeko esibalulekileyo esineziphumo ezihlala zihleli ngokwasengqondweni emntwaneni. Oku kunokuba:

• Ukuxhatshazwa ngokwasemzimbeni okanye ngokwesondo : Ubundlobongela ngokwasemzimbeni okanye ukuxhatshazwa ngokwesondo okwenziwe ngumzali okanye umntu omdala omthembileyo.
• Emotional ukungahoywa : Ukungabikho kothando, ingqalelo, okanye inkxaso yeemvakalelo.
• Ubundlobongela ngokwasengqondweni : Izithuko, ukuthotywa okanye ukuqhathwa ngumntu omdala.
• Ilahleko okanye ukulahlwa: Ukusweleka komzali okanye ukushiywa ngumgcini.

La mava adla ngokukhokelela umntwana ukuba azive enoxanduva ngale meko, kuba akanakucinga ukuba umzali “umbi”. Isidingo esisisiseko sebhondi yokuncamathela sityhala umntwana ukuba aphuhlise iindlela zokuzikhusela apho azibeke ityala ngokuziphatha kakubi kwabazali.

Iimpawu zokwenzakala kwabantwana okungasonjululwanga

Ukwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni, xa kunganyangwa, kunokuba nemiphumo emininzi yexesha elide. Abantu abadala abaye bafumana ukwenzakala ebutsheni babo bahlala bebonisa iimpawu ezifana nezi:

• Ukuzijongela phantsi :Banembono ephantsi ngabo, bahlala beziva “bengalufanelanga uthando”.
• Inkxalabo engapheliyo : Isimo soxinzelelo olusisigxina, apho umntu uhlala elindele ukugatywa okanye ukungaphumeleli.
• Imbonakalo ye-trauma bonding
• Trust issues : Kunzima ukubathemba abanye, ngenxa yokoyika ukungcatshwa okanye ukulahlwa.
• Izityekelo ekuxhomekekeni ngokweemvakalelo: Ukungakwazi ukuhlala kubudlelwane ngaphandle kokuxhomekeka ngokugqithisileyo ngokweemvakalelo komnye.

Ezi mpawu zibeka inqanaba lobudlelwane obuxhaphazayo kunye nabantu abanetyhefu abafana narcissists abakhohlisayo.

I-narcissistic manipulator: uwasebenzisa njani amanxeba ebuntwaneni?

I-narcissistic manipulator ngumntu okhohlisayo osebenzisa ikhubalo kunye nenkohliso ukulawula kunye nokuxhaphaza amaxhoba abo. Uyatshintshana phakathi kwezigaba ze-devaluation, apho ahlamba ixhoba lakhe ingqalelo kunye nothando, kunye nezigaba zokuthoba ixabiso, apho amgxeka khona, amphatha kakubi kwaye amthobe. Kumntu oye wabandezeleka ngenxa yokwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni, oku kuguquguquka kuyinto eqhelekileyo.

IiNarcissists zixhaphaza amanxeba ngokweemvakalelo ngoku:

• Ukudlala kwiziphoso zokuzixabisa : Babethelela iinkolelo ezingezizo ixhoba elinazo ngabo.
• Ukutshintshana phakathi kothando kunye nempatho-gadalala : Oku kuziphatha kuvelisa kwakhona imijikelo yokuncamathela engasebenziyo eyenzeka ebuntwaneni.
• Ukwahlula ixhoba: Baqhawula kancinane amaqabane abo kwinkxaso yangaphandle, ngaloo ndlela beqinisa ukuxhomekeka.

Kumntu onokwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni, olu lwalamano luyityhefu lusenokwenziwa ngempazamo nothando ngenxa yokuba lufana noko lwajamelana nalo ebutsheni babo.

Ukuncamathela okubuhlungu: kutheni kunzima kangaka ukuhamba?

I-traumatic attachment, okanye i-trauma bonding, yinto apho ixhoba lihlakulela ukudibanisa okunzulu ngokweemvakalelo kumhlaseli walo nangona uxhatshazo olufumeneyo. Olu manyano lomelezwa ngemijikelo yokutshintshana phakathi kwempatho embi kunye namaxesha okuthuthuzela. Nantsi indlela esebenza ngayo le nkqubo:

• Emotional ukuxhomekeka : Umxhaphazi udala imvakalelo yokhuseleko yethutyana, yomelezwe okanye iqiniswe luthando. Ixhoba libambelela kule mizuzu, likholelwa ukuba lingahlala.
• Guilt : Ixhoba lihlala liziva linoxanduva lokuziphatha okuyityhefu komxhaphazi walo, likholelwa ukuba linokuziguqula.
• Confusion : Ukutshintshana phakathi kwamaxesha othando nokwaliwa kudala imeko edidayo yeemvakalelo, apho ixhoba linobunzima bokwahlula into esempilweni kwinto eyonakalisayo.

Oku kuguquguquka kunokuba yingozi ngakumbi kwabo baye bafumana ukwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni, njengoko kusebenze iipateni zeemvakalelo ezendele nzulu kwiingqondo zabo.

Iziphumo zexesha elide zobudlelwane kunye ne-narcissistic manipulator

Ukuba kubudlelwane kunye i-narcissistic manipulator inokwandisa amanxeba okwenzakala kwabantwana kwaye ikhokelele kwiziphumo ezibi ngokwasengqondweni, eziquka:

• Ukudakumba okuqatha : Ukuxhatshazwa rhoqo kujongela phantsi ukuzithemba kwaye kunokukhokelela kuxinzelelo.
• Ingxaki yokuxinezeleka kwasemva kokwenzakala ( CPTSD) : Amaxhoba ahlala ejongana neenkumbulo, amaphupha amabi, kunye nokuqwalasela.
• Ukwahlulwa kuluntu: Phantsi kwempembelelo ye-narcissistic manipulator, ixhoba lisenokuphulukana nonxibelelwano lwalo lwentlalo, nto leyo eyenza ukuba mandundu ukuziva lilolo.
• Trust Issues : Ukuqhatha okuthe rhoqo komeleza ukungabathembi abanye ngokubanzi.

Ezi ziphumo zingahlala ixesha elide emva kokuphela kobudlelwane, okwenza kube nzima ukuchacha ngaphandle koncedo lwengcali.

Iipateni zokuncamathela okubuhlungu xa umntu emdala

Iipateni zokuncamathisela ezenziwe ngexesha lobuntwana zingaqhubeka zibe ngumntu omdala, ngakumbi kubudlelwane bothando. Abantu abaninzi abaye bafumana ukwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni batsaleleka kumaqabane e-narcissistic ngenxa yokuba baphinda bayenze imijikelo yesiphithiphithi seemvakalelo asele besifumene. Kukho iintlobo ezininzi zokuncamathela eziphembelela ubudlelwane ebudaleni:

• Uncamathiselo oluxhalabileyo : Umntu uziva efuna rhoqo ukuqinisekiswa kwaye uhlala esoyika ukulahlwa.
• Avoidant attachment : Ukusabela kumonzakalo, abanye abantu baphuhlisa umgama ngokweemvakalelo, bephepha ubudlelwane obusondeleyo ukuze bazikhusele.
• Ambivalent attachment : Umxube wexhala kunye nokuphepha, apho umntu ahambahamba phakathi kwesidingo sothando kunye noloyiko lokusondelana.

Ezi patheni, xa zishiywe zingalungiswanga, zenza kube nzima ukwakha ubudlelwane obuphilileyo, obanelisayo.

Uluhlu lweencwadi malunga nokwenzakala kwabantwana

1. Van der Kolk, B.A. (2014). Umzimba ugcina amanqaku: Ingqondo, ingqondo kunye nomzimba ekuphiliseni umonzakalo. ENew York: Viking.
2. Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., … & Marks, J. S. (1998). Ubudlelwane bokuphathwa gadalala kwabantwana kunye nokungasebenzi kakuhle kwekhaya kuninzi lwezona zizathu ziphambili zokusweleka kwabantu abadala: Uphononongo olubi lwaMava aBantwana (ACE). I-American Journal ye-Preventive Medicine, i-14 (4), i-245-258.
3. Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). Inkwenkwe eyakhuliswa njengenja: Namanye amabali aphuma kwincwadana yomntwana kagqirha wengqondo. ENew York: Iincwadi ezisisiseko.
4. Herman, J.L. (2015). Umothuko nokuchacha: Iziphumo zobundlobongela–ukusuka kwimpatho-gadalala yasekhaya ukuya kugrogriso lwezopolitiko. ENew York: Iincwadi ezisisiseko.
5. Terr, L.C. (1990). Ukoyika kakhulu ukukhala: Ukwenzakala kwengqondo ebuntwaneni. ENew York: Iincwadi ezisisiseko.

Ukwenzakala kwabantwana: Isiphelo

THE ukwenzakala ebuntwaneni ishiya amanxeba anzulu aphembelela ubudlelwane bethu njengabantu abadala, ngakumbi kubantu abanetyhefu abafana narcissists abakhohlisayo. Nangona kunjalo, ulwazi kunye nonyango lunokunika indlela yokuphuma. Ukoyisa ukuxhamla kwintlungu kunye nokwenzakala kwasebuntwaneni kudlula ngokuzibhaqa kwakhona, ukuphinda kusetyenziswe isidima somntu, nokufunda iindlela ezintsha zobudlelwane.

Inyathelo ngalinye elikhokelela ekukhululekeni kubudlelwane obuyityhefu linyathelo elikhokelela kubomi obunempilo, obunelisayo.