Ukuphilisa kwi-manipulator ye-narcissistic: kutheni kuthatha ixesha elide (kunye nendlela yokuhamba ngokukhawuleza)

Sele kuyiminyaka emibini oko ndamshiyayo, kwaye ndisakhala nangoku. » Ukuba le mibuzo yeyakho, asikuko ukuba ubuthathaka: kukuba inxeba le-narcissistic alipholi njengokwahlukana okuqhelekileyo. Ukuphiliswa kwi-manipulator ye-narcissistic kuthatha ixesha-kwaye kukho izizathu ezilungileyo zoko.

Kutheni ukuphilisa kuthatha ixesha elide: iindlela ezi-5 ezidlalwayo

1. I-grip trauma itshintsha ingqondo

Ukuphila phantsi kweempembelelo kuthetha ukuphila phantsi koxinzelelo olusisigxina olulungelelanisa ngokoqobo ukusebenza kobuchopho: i-hypervigilance, imemori eqhekezayo, ubunzima bokuthemba iimbono zomntu. “Asigqibanga” ukuphilisa kwimeko enjalo, siphinda sifunde, ngokuthe ngcembe, ngokukhuselekileyo. Amaxhoba amaninzi afumanisa emva koqhekeko ukuba athwele amadala traumas ukuba i-narcissistic manipulator iza kuphinda iphinde iphinde isebenze – amaxesha amaninzi ezi zimbini ziphilisana kunye.

2. Iqhina lokwenzakala livakala ngathi likhoboka

Ukutshintshana kobundlobongela/ukuthantamisa kudala ukuncamathela okuthelekiseka kumlutha: ingqondo ilindele “idosi” yoxolelwaniso njengokuba umntu ongcakazayo elindele impumelelo yakhe. Oku kukuqinisa okwethutyana, eyona ndlela inye eyenza ukuba oomatshini be-slot babe likhoboka. Ukuqonda le ndlela ihlambalaza i-relapses: ayithethi ukuba usamthanda, kodwa ukuba imeko iyafa – kancinci.

3. Ukwakha kwakhona ukuzithemba ngumsebenzi oqhubekayo

I-narcissistic manipulator ikhuphe ukuzithemba kwakho: “awuyonto ngaphandle kwam”, “uyaphambana”, “akukho mntu uya kukufuna”. Emva kweminyaka yale ntetho, ixhoba liphela liyikholelwa. Ukufumana kwakhona ukuzithemba kufuna ubungqina obubambekayo, obuphindaphindwayo: ukugcina isithembiso esenziwa kuwe, ukufumana kwakhona uyolo olityelweyo, ukuba nobuganga bokuthi hayi kwizinto ezincinci. Ukuba ipateni iqhelekile kuwe, inqaku lam lokurhoxa ngokweemvakalelo ihlala inika ukukhanya apho obu buthathaka bokuqala buvela phi.

4. Intlungu iphindiwe

Awuzili nje umntu: ulilela inkohliso – yeso sibini esihle kwiiveki ezimbalwa zokuqala, zosapho ocinga ngalo, lomntu abazenza ngathi. Esi sijwili sesona sinobuqhophololo, kuba asizange sibekho: sililela ifantasy eyakhiwe yi-manipulator. Ndithetha ngale nto ngokweenkcukacha kwisikhokelo se-mental ukudideka kunye nokuphilisa.

5. Abo bakungqongileyo abaqondi

“Kodwa ebenomtsalane! » “Yiza, tyhila eli phepha, liphelile ngoku. » Ezi zivakalisi zinobubele zikwahlula ngakumbi. Ukuphilisa kufuna ukukholelwa, ubuncinci ngabantu abambalwa: umgqirha owazi impembelelo, iqela lenkxaso, umhlobo olucid.

Indlela yokukhawulezisa ukuphilisa (ngaphandle kokuyingxamela)

Yiya ngokhuseleko kuqala

Akukho nyango lunokwenzeka kwindawo yemfazwe: ukunqanda ukudibana (okanye ukuncitshiswa kube bubuncinane bomthetho obungqongqo ukuba abantwana bayabandakanyeka) yeyona nto ifunekayo. Ukuqaliswa ngakunye koqhagamshelwano kuqalisa kwakhona ukulungelelaniswa, njengecuba liphinda liqalise ukurhoxa komntu otshayayo.

Xhumana kwakhona nomzimba wakho

Umzimba urekhode into enzima ukuyithetha intloko: ukuphuthelwa, intlungu, ityala lokulala. Ukuyidibanisa kwakhona – ukuhamba, umdlalo omnene, ukuphefumla, ukubhala ngokuhlwa – yinxalenye yonyango. Ukuba usahlala naye, ezi ntshukumo zikwayiziqithi zenkululeko.

Fundisa amehlo akho

Ukuqonda iindlela – ukuxhaphaza ngokweemvakalelo , gaslighting, umjikelo wobundlobongela – kuguqula ihlazo libe lucidity. Aninako ukukuphepha oko ongenakukubona; xa sele uyibonile, awunakuthatyathwa ngendlela efanayo.

Hamba kunye

Ukuchacha wedwa kunokwenzeka, kodwa kuyacotha kwaye kugcwele ukuphinda ubuyele. Inkxaso eyaziyo impembelelo – unyango olukhethekileyo okanye uqeqesho – inokwahlula ixesha lokwakha ngokutsha. Ukuba ufuna ukukhokelwa inyathelo ngesinyathelo, ndiyile inkqubo ye-coaching ukuze uphume kulawulo ngokuchanekileyo kule nto.

Ixesha elingakanani, ngendlela ebambekayo?

Abasebenzi bayavumelana ngoluhlu olunyanisekileyo: ukusuka kwiinyanga ze-18 ukuya kwi-3 iminyaka ukuze uzive njengawe kwakhona emva kobudlelwane obude kunye ne-manipulator ye-narcissistic – ngamanye amaxesha ngaphantsi ngenkxaso efanelekileyo, ngamanye amaxesha ngakumbi ukuba kukho abantwana okanye iinkqubo eziqhubekayo. Ayisosivakalisi: yimvume. Oko kungafuni kuwe ukomelela ngoko nangoko ekungekho mntu ukufumaniyo.

Iimpawu ezilumkileyo zokuba uyaphilisa

Ukuphilisa akuzi ngokucofa, kodwa ngothotho lweembuyekezo ezincinci kuwe, zihlala zingabonakali ngelo xesha. Mhlawumbi usekude kunokuba ucinga ukuba:

• ucinga ngaye kaninzi, kwaye ngaphantsi nangaphantsi kweemvakalelo – iinkumbulo ziba yinyaniso, azisekho amanxeba;
• uphinda ufumane izinto ozithandayo: lo mculo, esi sidlo, lo msebenzi wokuzonwabisa owushiyileyo “kuba wamcaphukisa”;
• ubuthongo bakho bubuya ngamaxesha, kwanamaxesha amafutshane;
• unobuganga bokuvakalisa ukungavisisani ngaphandle kokulungiselela ukuzithethelela iiyure;
• uziva umsindo ukhuphuka xa ucinga malunga nento oye wadibana nayo – luphawu lwempilo, kungekhona intukuthelo: umsindo uphawula ukubuya kwethuku lokukhusela;
• ucwangcisa kwakhona: impelaveki, iprojekthi, ikhosi yoqeqesho — ikamva liba yindawo yakho kwakhona.

Ukubhala phantsi le miqondiso kwincwadi yamanqaku kunceda ekulinganiseni inkqubela eyenziweyo ngeentsuku zokubuya kwamathandabuzo. Ukuphilisa ayingomgca othe ngqo: uhambela phambili ngamaza, kunye nokuguqulwa okungekuko ukusilela, kodwa iileya zenxeba elibuyayo ukuze linyangwe.

Ukuqukumbela

Ukuphulukiswa kwi-manipulator ye-narcissistic kuthatha ixesha ngenxa yokuba isilonda sinzulu, sinyani, kwaye sinobuninzi – kungekhona ngenxa yokuba “unomdla kakhulu.” Rhoqo ngeveki ngaphandle kokuphinda uqhagamshelane, yonke imida iseti, yonke inyaniso exelelwa umntu omthembileyo luloyiso oluthe cwaka. Ngenye imini, uya kucinga ngayo ngaphandle kokuba ithi qatha engqondweni yakho: ngaloo mini, uya kwazi ukuba uphilise.

Iimbekiselo

• Hirigoyen, M.-F., Le harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien, Syros, 1998.
• Bancroft, L., Pourquoi fait-il mal ? Les hommes qui blessent les femmes, 2021 (éd. FR).
• Domenjo, A., L’emprise : pourquoi et comment ils nous manipulent, Belin, 2021.