I-Codependence

Siyakwamukela kulokhu kuhlola okujulile komqondo we-codependency, igama elivame ukushiwo kumongo wobudlelwane be-narcissistic. Nakuba leli gama livame ukuvela kumabhulogi, amavidiyo nezingxoxo, incazelo yalo ngezinye izikhathi ihlala ingacacile kwabaningi. Lesi sihloko sihlose ukucacisa lo mqondo, ngenkathi sihlola imithelela yawo kumongo wobudlelwane be-narcissistic kanye namandla abo ayinkimbinkimbi.

Iyini i-Codependency?

Igama elithi “codependency” liqale ukuvela ezincwadini zokulutha emitholampilo, ikakhulukazi phakathi kwezinhlelo eziyi-12 ezifana ne-Alcoholics Anonymous. Kubhekiselwa kuphethini yobudlelwano lapho umuntu ephika izidingo zakhe zokugxila ngokukhethekile kulezo zomlingani, ngokuvamile okulimaza inhlalakahle yakhe yomuntu siqu. Lokhu kuziphatha kungase kuthathe uhlobo “lokuhlenga,” ukuphika, noma ukuzithela ngabandayo okugcina kuqinisa amaphethini alimazayo.

Ngo-1986, uDkt. Tim Cermak wazama ukuba ne-codependency eqashelwe njengokuphazamiseka kobuntu e-DSM, nakuba kungakaze kwenziwe ngokusemthethweni. Ngokusho kwakhe, i-codependence imakwa ngokuthi:

• Ukuzethemba okuphansi kuncike ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi.
• Ukungakwazi ukusungula imingcele ecacile.
• Ukukhathazeka ngokuhlukana.
• Ukuziphatha okuphoqelekile kanye ukuqapha ngokweqile njalo
• Umlando ovamile wokuhlukumezeka, njengokuhlukunyezwa ngokomzimba noma ngokocansi.

I-Codependency kanye nobudlelwano be-Narcissistic

Kumongo wobudlelwano be-narcissistic, ukuthembela kuba umqondo okhohlisayo. Nakuba abanye bephakamisa ukuthi ozakwethu bama-narcissists bangabasizi abanikela emjikelezweni onobuthi, lo mbono ungase uveze ngokungafanele umthwalo othile kubo. Nokho ezinye izici zokuthembela, njengokukhathazeka noma ukuthambekela kokunciphisa izinkinga, zikhona ngokungenakuphikwa.

Izingozi Zelebula “Yekhodi”.

Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuthi ukunciphisa amandla e-narcissistic ku-codependency kunganciphisa. Lokhu kuyingozi:

1. Sola izisulu ngesimo sazo.
2. Baqinisekise ukuthi abanawo amandla okuguqula isimo sabo.
3. Ukungazinaki izizathu eziyinkimbinkimbi zokuthi kungani behlala kulobu budlelwano (izici zezezimali, zezenhlalo, zamasiko, noma zezenkolo).

Qaphela futhi Uphule Umjikelezo

Ukuqwashisa kuyisinyathelo sokuqala sokugqashuka kulawa maphethini. Ukuzibuza le mibuzo elandelayo kungasiza:

• Yiziphi izidingo zomuntu siqu engiziphikayo?
• Ingabe ngiyazamukela izindlela zokuziphatha ezingilimazayo ukuze ngigweme ukuhlala yedwa ?
• Ingabe ngisekela ukubaluleka kwami ​​ekhonweni “lokulungisa” abanye?

Ukunqamula lo mjikelezo, izindlela zokwelapha ezigxile ekuhlukumezekeni nasekuthuthukiseni ukuzethemba kungase kubaluleke.

Umsuka we-Codependency

Amaphethini we-Codependency ngokuvamile anezimpande zawo ebuntwaneni, ku imindeni lapho izidingo ezingokomzwelo zengane zinganakwa noma zingavumelekile. Lezi zindawo zingaholela ekuziboneni ngendlela engafanele kanye nesidingo esingapheli sokubonisa ukubaluleka komuntu, okuhlanganisa “ngokusindisa” abanye.

Kodwa-ke, kuyenzeka futhi ukuthi la maphethini avele kamuva empilweni, ikakhulukazi ebudlelwaneni obuphawulwa abantu abangqubuzanayo noma ukuhlukumeza.

Izimpawu eziyinhloko zobudlelwano obuncikene

Ukungabi nemingcele yomuntu siqu

• Ubunzima bokuthi “cha” noma ukumisa imingcele enempilo.
• Ukwamukela ukuziphatha okungalungile komunye, ngisho noma kubangela ukungakhululeki noma ukuhlupheka.
• Njengezingane, imingcele yethu yayingacacile noma inganakwa, ngakho njengoba sikhula, silwela ukuyibeka ebudlelwaneni bethu. Sesaba ukungqubuzana okungajabulisi noma ukuvusa ingxabano.

Isidingo eseqile sokugunyazwa

• Ukuncika ekuqinisekisweni noma ekugunyazweni kwabanye ukuze uzizwe ukahle ngawe.
• Ukwesaba ukwaliwa noma ukulahlwa.

Ukulawula ngokweqile

• Isifiso sokulawula ukuziphatha noma imizwa yabanye, ngezinye izikhathi ngaphansi kwezaba “lokubasiza”.
• Uzizwa sengathi kufanele “usindise” omunye umuntu.
• Ukunikeza iseluleko noma ukuzama ukuxazulula izinkinga zabanye kungase kubonakale kuwusizo, kodwa ngokuvamile kuyindlela yokudambisa ukukhathazeka kwethu. Sikholelwa ukuthi uma singasilawuli isimo, sizogajwa yimizwa yethu.

Ukuzidela

• Ukuziba izidingo zakho noma izifiso zokugxila komunye umuntu kuphela.
• Ukunganaki impilo yakho yomzimba, yemizwa noma yengqondo.

Ukwesaba isizungu

• Ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni obungenampilo ngenxa yokwesaba ukuthi uzogcina usuwedwa.
• Gwema ukuhlukana, ngisho noma ubuhlobo bunobuthi.

Ukuncika ngokomzwelo

• Ukuzwa ukuthi injabulo yomuntu noma ukuzethemba kuncike ngokuphelele komunye.
• Imizwa enamandla yokukhathazeka, intukuthelo, noma yokuphelelwa ithemba lapho omunye umuntu engekho.

Isibopho esidlulele kwabanye

• Thathani izibopho zomunye nomunye (ezezimali, imizwa, njll.).
• Ukuzizwa unecala uma omunye umuntu ehlupheka noma engajabule.

Ukunganaki izinkinga

• Ukwenqaba ukuvuma izinkinga ebudlelwaneni noma ukubukela phansi ukubaluleka kwazo.
• Ukuqiniswa kwe ukuziphatha okunobuthi womlingani.

Ukwenziwa kahle kobudlelwano

• Ukuthambekela ekwenzeni ubuhlobo bube bufanele, ngisho nalapho kukhona ubufakazi obucacile bobuthi.
• Ukudala isithombe esingelona iqiniso sozakwethu noma ubudlelwano.

Ukukhangwa kubantu abanenkinga

• Ukuthambekela kokwakha ubudlelwano nabantu abanezinkinga zemizwa, imilutha, noma abanenkinga yokuphatha izimpilo zabo.

Ukumanqikanqika okungapheli
Lapho sihlukanisiwe nathi, sihlala sifuna ukuvunyelwa abanye. Lokhu kungasukela ezinqumweni ezincane (okufanele udle) kuye ezinqumweni ezinkulu (umsebenzi).

Ukuziba imizwa yakho

• Ubunzima bokubona noma ukuveza imizwa yomuntu siqu.
• Ukuba nomuzwa wokuthi izidingo zomuntu siqu azibalulekile kunezabanye.

I-Emotional roller coaster
Sithonywa kakhulu imizwelo yabanye: uma othile edabukile, nathi sidabukile. Lokhu kukhombisa ukuntula imingcele yemizwa: asikwazi ukuhlukanisa imizwelo yethu kweyabo.

Ukungqubuzana kwangaphakathi okuqhubekayo

• Imizwa yokukhathala noma ukudideka ngenxa yokungezwani kwangaphakathi phakathi kwesifiso sokusiza nokukhungatheka okuzwakalayo.

Uma uzibona kwezinye zalezi zimpawu, kungase kusize ukubona udokotela noma umeluleki ukuze asebenze kulawa mandla futhi akhe ubudlelwano obunempilo.

Indlela yokwelapha i-codependency?

Ukwelashwa kuza ngokuxhuma kabusha nawe. Nazi izinyathelo zokuqalisa:

• Beka imikhawulo emincane, ecacile : Funda ukwenqaba lapho kudingeka futhi uveze ukungakhululeki kwakho.
• Ziqaphele izidingo zakho ezingokomzwelo : Chitha isikhathi uhlola indlela ozizwa ngayo, yini oyifunayo, kanye nalokho okuthakaselayo.
• Zitholele izinkanuko zakho : Zama imisebenzi emisha noma okokuzilibazisa ukuze uxhumane futhi nalokho okukwenza uhluke.
• Bhala ukuze uzihlole : Ukuzijwayeza ukubhala ijenali kungakusiza ukuthi uqonde kangcono imicabango yakho, imizwa, kanye nolwazi.

Ngiyazi ukuthi le nqubo ingazizwa ingakhululekile, ikakhulukazi uma ungajwayele ukugxila kuwena. Kodwa kubalulekile ukugqashula ephethinini yokuthembela futhi uthole kabusha ukuthi ungubani ngempela.

Umsindisi nomuntu “ozosindiswa” isikimu

• Incazelo : Kulokhu okuguquguqukayo, umlingani oyedwa (“umsindisi”) uzizwa enecala ngemizwa, izinkinga noma inhlalakahle yomunye umlingani (umuntu “ozosindiswa”). Lokhu kungahlanganisa ukufuna ngaso sonke isikhathi ukuxazulula izinkinga zomunye umuntu, ukuziphendulela ngezinkinga zakho, noma ukuphika izidingo zomuntu siqu ukuze alondoloze ukulinganisela ebuhlotsheni.
• Isibonelo sikakhonkolo :
  USarah noJulien sebeneminyaka emibili beshadile. UJulien ubhekene nesikhathi esinzima emsebenzini, uzizwa ecindezelekile futhi ngokuvamile uzwakalisa ukungakhululeki kwakhe. USarah, engafuni ukuba azizwe kabi noma amsole ngokuntula ukusekelwa, ubeka ezakhe izidingo eceleni ukuze azame “ukumsindisa”.

Yena :

• Uchitha amahora elalele uJulien ekhononda, ngisho noma ekhathele noma ecindezelekile.
• Ucwaninga ku-inthanethi ukuze athole izixazululo zezinkinga zakhe emsebenzini.
• Uyamkhuthaza ukuthi athathe izinqumo, kodwa agcine esemenzela ukuthi angagxili.
• Vuma ukubona abangani bakhe bebancane noma udele izinto azithandayo ukuze uhlale utholakala kuye.

Ngokwakhe, uJulien uncika kakhulu kuSarah ukuze alawule imizwelo yakhe, ngaphandle kokuzama ukuxazulula izinkinga zakhe. Angase acasuke uma uSara engamnaki ngokwanele, ngaleyo ndlela eqinisa amandla.

Imiphumela ebuhlotsheni

1. USarah uqala ukuzizwa ekhathele futhi ekhungathekile, kodwa akalokothi akhulume ngakho ngoba esaba ukumzwisa ubuhlungu noma ukubonakala njengomuntu ozicabangela yena yedwa.
2. UJulien, nakuba engazi ubonga, uya ngokuya engenzi lutho futhi ulahlekelwa ukuzethemba emandleni akhe okusingatha izinkinga zakhe.
3. Ukungalingani kuyakhula, futhi uSarah angase agcine ecasukile noma alahlekelwe ubuyena ebudlelwaneni.

Kungani kuyi-codependency?

• USarah udela izidingo zakhe ngoJulien, ekholelwa ukuthi indima yakhe iwukumjabulisa noma ukuxazulula izinkinga zakhe.
• UJulien, ngisho noma engenzi ngamabomu, uncika kuSarah ukuze aphile kahle ngokomzwelo.
• Bobabili ozakwethu banemingcele engacacile kanye nokuziphatha okuqinisa ukuthembela komunye nomunye, esikhundleni sokugqugquzela ukukhula komuntu siqu nokuncika okunempilo.

Ukuze aphume kulokhu kuguquguquka, uSarah angase aqale ukubeka imingcele (ngokwesibonelo, ngokubeka isikhathi asinikela ekulaleleni uJulien noma ngokuqinisekisa izidingo zakhe siqu) futhi uJulien wayengakhuthazwa ukuba afune ezinye izindlela zokusekela (njengomelaphi. noma umqeqeshi).

Umzali ovikela ngokweqile

Incazelo : Umzali uvimbela ingane yakhe ekwenzeni izinqumo noma imithwalo yemfanelo ngenxa yokwesaba ukuthi ingane izofeyila noma izohlupheka.
Ngokwesibonelo : Umama uphikelela ekukhetheni umsebenzi wendodana yakhe, ethi uyazi ukuthi yini eyilungele. Ungenela njalo ukuze axazulule izinkinga zakhe, njengokufonela othisha bakhe noma umqashi wakhe, ngisho esekhulile.
nemiphumela :

• Ingane incike kumzali ngokukhetha kwayo.
• Uqala ukuzethemba okuphansi futhi angase akucasukele lokhu kulawulwa njalo.
• Umzali yena, uthola umuzwa wokubaluleka komuntu siqu endimeni “yomsindisi.”

Ingane “enomzali”.

Incazelo : Ingane ithatha imithwalo yemfanelo engokomzwelo noma engokoqobo yomzali, ngokuvamile emakhaya lapho kukhona umzali ogulayo, ongekho, noma ongamnaki.
Ngokwesibonelo : UJulie, oneminyaka engu-12, unakekela abafowabo nodadewabo futhi aduduze unina ocindezelekile, ohlanganyela nezinkinga zakhe zabantu abadala njengezinkinga zezimali noma izingxabano zomshado.
nemiphumela :

• UJulie ufunda ukungazinaki izidingo zakhe ukuze anakekele abanye.
• Angase ahlakulele ubuhlobo obungalingani lapho esekhulile, lapho edlala khona indima “yomsindisi.”
• Ubuntwana bakhe budela ngenxa yesisindo salezi zibopho.

Umndeni olawulayo

Incazelo : Amalungu omndeni alawula ngokweqile ukukhetha nokuziphatha komunye nomunye ukuze agcine “ukuvumelana” okuthile.
Ngokwesibonelo : Emndenini, abazali banquma ukuthi izingane zabo ezindala kufanele ziqome noma zishade nobani. Uma ingane ikhetha umlingani noma indlela yokuphila engahambisani nalokho okulindelekile, iyanqatshwa noma ikhohliswe ngokomzwelo (“Uphula izinhliziyo zethu”).
nemiphumela :

• Abantwana bazizwa benesibopho sokudela izifiso zabo ukuze bagweme ukudumaza abazali babo.
• Ukwesaba ukulahlwa noma ukwenqatshwa kuba amandla aqhuba ezinqumweni zabo.

Ingane efuna “ukulungisa” umzali

Incazelo : Ingane noma osemusha uba nomthwalo wemfanelo ngokomzwelo enhlalakahleni yomzali.
Ngokwesibonelo : ULeo, oneminyaka engu-16, unomuzwa wokuthi kufanele ahlale ethulisa uyise othukuthele noma aduduze unina okhathazekile ukuze alondoloze ukuthula endlini. Uyilindele kusengaphambili indlela abazizwa ngayo futhi alungise ukuziphatha kwakhe ukuze agweme izingxabano.
nemiphumela :

• U-Leo uba ne-hypersensitivity emizweni yabanye, ngokuvamile elimaza eyakhe.
• Angase abe nobunzima bokubeka imingcele noma ukuqaphela izidingo zakhe.

Ukuncika ngokwezezimali noma ngokomzwelo

Incazelo : Ilungu elilodwa lomndeni lithembele ngokweqile kwelinye ngezidingo zezimali noma ezingokomzwelo, lidala ubuhlobo obungalingani.
Ngokwesibonelo : Umzali ohlukanisile uthembele ngokuphelele endodaneni yakhe esikhulile ukuze athole ukusekelwa ngokomzwelo, ekhononda ngesizungu noma ngezinkinga zomuntu siqu, kuze kube sezingeni lokuyivimbela ukuba iphile ukuphila kwayo siqu.
nemiphumela :

• Indodana izizwa inecala ngokuzama ukuzakhela ukuzimela.
• Umzali uhlala eqinile endimeni yakhe njengesisulu, eqinisa ubuthi obunamandla.

Ukuzinikela okukhulu ukuze kulondolozwe ubunye bomkhaya

Incazelo : Ilungu lomkhaya lihlala lidela izidingo noma imibono yalo ukuze lilondoloze ukuthula noma ligweme izingxabano.
Ngokwesibonelo : UClara, 35, wenqaba ukubeka imingcele nomfowabo omhlukumeza ngokwezimali, ngenxa yokwesaba “ukuhlakaza umndeni”. Usaqhubeka nokumboleka imali, nakuba kunomthelela ekuzinzeni kwakhe.
nemiphumela :

• UClara uzwa ukukhathala nokucasuka.
• Umzalwane akawuthathi umthwalo wemfanelo futhi usizakala ngalesi simo.

Ukuphuma ekuncikeni komndeni

1. Bona ukuguquguquka okunobuthi : Thola ukuziphatha lapho imingcele yomuntu siqu ishaywa indiva.
2. Funda ukubeka imingcele : Isibonelo, ukwenqaba izicelo ezingenangqondo noma ukwenqaba ukuthwala isibopho ngemizwa yabanye.
3. Khuthaza ukuzimela : Vumela amanye amalungu omndeni ukuba athwale imithwalo yawo yemfanelo.
4. Funa ukusekela kwangaphandle : Ukwelashwa kungasiza ukuhlehlisa la maphethini agxilile futhi kukhuthaze ubudlelwano obunokulinganisela okwengeziwe.