How to Talk to a Narcissist? 5 Tips

We all want to feel heard, understood, connected and supported in our conversations. But that’s not always the case when you have to talk to a narcissist. Whether that person lives with narcissistic personality disorder or has narcissistic tendencies, knowing what to say (and what not to say) can help you communicate more effectively.

5 Tips on How to Talk to a Narcissist

If you suspect someone in your life has narcissistic characteristics, there are ways to talk to them that can be healthy for both of you.

Consider these 5 tips the next time you have a conversation with them.

1. Ask them clarifying questions 

Un narcissist may not realize how unreasonable or hurtful it is. Begin your discussion with a few questions about their actions to trigger their awareness. They could adapt to be more accommodating or less reckless. And this, once they have realized how unequal, dangerous or illogical their behavior is.

2. Listen carefully and show interest:

Showing interest in them is the only way to hold their attention. Show that you are paying attention by occasionally paraphrasing what he is saying. A neutral half-smile and a nod at what he’s saying goes a long way to keeping him calm and focused.
Maintain eye contact as they talk to you. It shows that you are listening, but also that you are confident and strong. Try not to interrupt them while they are talking. If it is necessary to intervene, look for an opening to talk and wait for them to meet you halfway.

3. Show them empathy

Reference her feelings to assuage her anger or defensiveness. A narcissist wants you to acknowledge their emotions because they need to feel that they are right and reacting appropriately. Say things like:

 »You must be feeling upset about what I said, and I understand why you feel that way. Use “we” statements to show that you are in this together and include each other in the behavior.

Say, “We got off on the wrong foot,” or “We can try this conversation again later.”

• Don’t make statements about yourself unless they are excuses (this is the only time a narcissist will care about how you feel).
• Remember that empathy teaches empathy. Modeling empathetic behavior is an effective way to change the way a narcissist acts over time.

4. Overcome their insults

Narcissists become mean because they want a negative reaction from you. They are hypersensitive and escalate confrontations so they can bring out your anger and frustration and make themselves feel superior.

If he starts insulting you, ignore his provocations – when he can’t get a strong emotional reaction from you, he loses his talking power. Don’t take a narcissist’s insults personally. He can only feel good if you feel bad, and his verbal abuse stems from a feeling of deep insecurity. Humor and wit are great tools for breaking the tension with a narcissist. If they can laugh at their own behavior, they are likely to adapt (temporarily).

5. Keep the interaction as short as possible

Talk as little as possible and give yourself space. If the conversation gets too intense, take a break – use the bathroom, have a drink, or find an excuse to walk away for a while.

• If you need to change the subject, distract him with something that interests him or put on a movie or TV show to distract his attention from you.
• Avoid saying “yes” to their requests too often. You will never win them over by appeasing them and it will only prolong your interaction.
• Remember to protect yourself. If you need to get away from them, leave the room until you are in a state of mind where you can interact again.

How to behave in front of a Narcissist?

Managing a relationship with someone who exhibits narcissistic personality traits can have detrimental consequences for your well-being and mental health. Try strategies such as setting clear boundaries and using a support system of people you trust.

1. Learn about TPNs

People often describe someone with a narcissistic personality as charming and sympathetic, which can help overlook some of their other, more dangerous behaviors. However, it is important to become familiar with the signs of the narcissistic personality in order to recognize them more easily. It can also help you better understand the person’s strengths and weaknesses, so you can be prepared for any challenges that arise.

Talk with a mental health professional or read books written by mental health professionals. It can help you learn the best ways to communicate with your loved one showing signs of narcissistic personality.

2. Boost your self-esteem

By developing good self-esteem, it is much easier to manage and deal with some of the potentially dangerous behaviors you may encounter when in a relationship with a narcissist. Speaking positively, taking care of yourself, and finding a healthy support system can help you build resilience and boost your self-esteem.

Improved self-esteem can also make it easier to set clear boundaries, be assertive, and stand up for yourself. So many essential elements to maintain a relationship with a narcissist.

3. Speak candidly

Sometimes ignoring something or just walking away is an appropriate response pick your battles, right?

If you feel like your boundaries have been crossed when communicating with someone with TPN, try not to react, not get visibly upset, or show your displeasure.

You need to tell him how his words and behavior impact your life. Be specific and consistent about what isn’t acceptable and how you want to be treated, but be prepared to find it difficult for that person to understand or empathize with your feelings.

Mistakes to Avoid When Talking to a Narcissist

1. “It’s not about you.”

Oh, but it is. Everything is. Each professional promotion, each pregnancy and each new love affair of a friend is a new opportunity to refocus on the only perspective to which she can relate: her own. She may not realize what she’s doing, but pointing it out to him will only make her more defensive.

2. Stop saying, “You’re not listening.”

Stopping to listen would mean acknowledging the deep insecurity at the root of all her problems: that she’s not worth listening to. Instead of explaining, take a different approach. “Can I tell you how my surgery went?” goes down a lot better than “I can’t believe you didn’t even ask me about my surgery!” Chances are you won’t be able to get more than a few words in…but baby steps.

3. Don’t say, “Stop playing the victim.”

Here’s the thing: there’s no game. She really sees herself as a victim, and a lot of times, she actually is. Narcissistic behavior is often a response to trauma, a way of protecting oneself and masking one’s vulnerability. Validating some of her pain goes further than hammering the fragile structure on which she hung her self-esteem.

4. Stop saying, “This is not a competition.”

For narcissists, either you’re on top or you suck. There is no in-between. It’s all about competition: who makes more money, who grills a better burger, who gets the best red lipstick. Shine your halo because, in this case, the best thing to do is to see the narcissist’s need to win as a function of their devalued self-esteem, and leave it to them. The less you care about the score, the less she will need to compete.

5. Don’t say, “Forget it.”

Let’s say she gets dumped by her best friend. If you suggest she go ahead, she either turns on her face and subjects you to another rant about how awful her BFF (mother, brother, co-worker, friend) is, or she spends an hour explaining that she doesn’t care because she is, after all, so much better (stronger, smarter, richer) than the person who hurt her. In any case, it is you who must drop. Listen until you have no ears, then head to the nearest restorative yoga class and end the day.

How to Respond to a narcissist?

The mode of communication of a narcissist manifests itself mainly by the absence of a two-way dialogue. If you have a superficial friend, spouse, or partner who is narcissistic, it can be hard to keep the conversation going. Narcissists usually only want to talk if it helps them achieve their goals.

• It’s important to be aware of the phrasing so that the narcissist doesn’t feel neglected, sidelined, or criticized, even constructively, when engaging in conversation. That being said, most of what you say won’t be recognized as it would in a real conversation. Rather, the narcissist expects what they say to be recognized, appreciated, praised, and confirmed.
• Start any discussion with a compliment, flattery, or praise in order to get the narcissist’s attention. To keep his attention, listen constantly.

3 Things When You Cut Contact With A Narcissist

• They may try to get us back into their lives by becoming obsessed with us.

While fearing the loss of us, narcissists may begin to… “love bombing”. For example, he may bombard us with very long and affectionate text messages and emails, or give us very special gifts in order to bring us back into his web. At that time, we can feel loved and very special to them. However, once we are back in the relationship and they feel comfortable with us, they quickly return to some form of abuse.

• They will try to blame us

If we are very important to the narcissist, he may try to hurt us even more by trying to convince those around him of our negative character. It is quite common for narcissists to portray us as the “crazy” person in the relationship while projecting their negative traits onto us.

Additionally, they seek sympathy, play the victim in front of others and tell them how we have ruined their lives. Again, this will help narcissists feel “better than” and superior to us.

• They will be excessive

They threaten, act, stalk, triangulate others, spread false information, beg. And they make promises, pretend to improve. Besides that, they say whatever you want to hear, go to therapy, ask other people to contact you on their behalf, or even get violent.

Narcissists will beg, plead, agree, ameliorate, scream, yell, and/or retaliate in any way they can in order to get a reaction from you.

narcissists feed on people’s emotional reactions. If they are ignored and don’t get an emotional response, they feel helpless, helpless and powerless. They don’t care what reaction they get as long as they make you react.

How to Talk to a Narcissist at Work?

Regardless of your role or industry, getting along well with co-workers is definitely important. You will often be called upon to work together on various projects or to collaborate during meetings. That said, it is crucial to learn how to talk with a narcissist.

• Avoid taking things personally
• Set limits 
• Do not participate in gossip
• Avoid sharing personal details

Phrases to Destabilize a Narcissist

Destabilizing a manipulator isn’t always easy. Therefore, when communicating with a narcissist, it’s best to keep interactions brief. Narcissists have impaired interpersonal skills, meaning that intimacy and empathy are nearly impossible to achieve.

It is also important to stay true to yourself. However, this can be extremely difficult when communicating with a narcissist. Narcissistic tendencies cause many people to do things they normally wouldn’t do. This is why it is so important to remain neutral in communication.

Examples of sentences to say:

• “Thanks for sharing this.”
• “I will have to think about it and get back to you.”
• “I hear what you’re saying.”
• “I see that’s what you believe.”

Conclusion

Dealing with narcissists can be trying. Especially when it comes to a work colleague or loved one you interact with every day. However, you don’t have to fall victim to his toxic attitude. Maintaining your professionalism, disengaging from his behavior and seeking active support is often your best strategy for success.

To consult:

• Narcissist lying
• Narcissist and the Telephone