Psychological influence in a couple: How to get out of it?

The psychological influence in a couple generally translates into a psychological ascendancy that combines manipulation, blackmail and emotional dependence. More and more people are facing it. Hence the importance of recognizing the signs. In this article, we also give you practical advice for getting out of a psychological grip in a couple.

Want to go faster? Here Narcissistic abuse in a relationship: 9 behaviors to be recognized without delay.

What is the psychological hold?

The psychological hold is a form of psychological ascendancy and psychological manipulation. In some cases, it takes the form of “recurrent psychological torture”. such a narcissist, the dominated seeks to victimize the person under his influence. The latter translates to a dominant/dominated relationship.

What about the psychological influence in a couple?

In the couple, the psychological hold corresponds to the control exercised by the spouse. It can manifest itself in various situations of the daily life of the couple. It shows itself as a kind of loss of mastery and control when one is under the psychological influence with certain people.

Couple psychological influence – What are the signs?

The psychological hold is a form of psychological manipulation that is often difficult to recognize. However, typical signs prove that a person is under the influence of their partner:

1. He places himself on a pedestal

When he exerts his influence, the partner shows that he is not just anyone and that living without him would not be as pleasant. This form of manipulation can thus flatter you and give you the impression of having found the rare pearl.

2. You are tense

The relationship with a controlling partner is conflictual. Arguments and fights are incessant. As the person exercising the influence is often in conflict with his partner, the latter will often face stress problems.

3. You lose contact with your loved ones

The person under the influence generally loses contact with his relatives. Indeed, the person who exercises his influence puts his partner in conflict with those close to him. She will do everything to keep him away from them.

4. You are not serene

The person under the influence is afraid that his partner will leave him at one time or another. Moreover, this one is totally indifferent when she is ill or encounters professional difficulties.

5. You always excuse him

Despite the behavior of the spouse who exerts his influence, the victim always finds excuses for him. She deludes herself and believes that he can actually change.

6. You are obsessed with your partner

The person under the influence constantly thinks of his spouse. However, if she admires her partner and is obsessed with him, she feels a certain uneasiness when thinking of him.

7. You are isolated

The spouse who exerts his influence keeps his partner away from his relatives. He makes her adopt his centers of interest. This one therefore no longer practices his favorite activities.

How is the psychological influence established in a couple?

This is how the psychological hold sets in in a couple according to psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella :

• The partner seduces: he flatters, offers gifts, encourages confidences and seems to develop a relationship of trust. The person under the influence will therefore have the impression of being in a healthy relationship.
• Vampirism: the spouse acts with control and takes advantage of his partner.
• The spouse destroys his partner: he still believes he’s sensible and sensible, but the grip keeps getting tighter. The partner who exerts his influence also becomes violent and makes his grip feel guilty. He plays on emotional dependence.

What are the phases of psychological influence in a couple?

Psychological influence generally goes through 5 stages (and not only in a couple):

1. Tracking

The manipulator seeks victims who meet certain criteria in order to be able to exercise his influence. It is usually about manipulable, naive and empathetic people. The victims must also have a good capacity for the manipulator and be useful to him.

2. Seduction

Le narcissistic perverse manipulator tries to show itself in its best light. He makes his partner believe that he is the one who can help him achieve his dreams. he can give him the financial means what his partner needs, power, a social life, love…

3. Addiction and blackmail

Once the person is seduced, the partner who wants to exert his influence begins to show an angry, authoritarian and capricious face. The manipulator is hot and cold to make his partner dependent and to destabilize him. He also tells her how her partner should act to be a good person and avoid violence.

4. Abandonment and bullying

It is the phase of psychological destruction. The person being entirely under the influence, the manipulator seeks to complete his victim. He can abandon or harass him, making sure to give what scares the victim.

5. Rebuilding

The brain is programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The person under the influence, who tends to listen to his thoughts, ends up realizing that he is suffering. She then begins to look for an escape and to find excuses in vain for the manipulator not to break off the relationship. She finally realizes that she can’t be happy while remaining in the relationship of control. The person who was under the influence therefore breaks the relationship and rebuilds himself.

What are the consequences of psychological influence?

When the psychological influence persists over time, relationship becomes toxic. It leads to many harmful consequences:

• The emotional dependence of the person under control towards his manipulator
• Loss of freedom and autonomy with withdrawal and isolation
• Emotional troubles where partners do not trust each other
• Depression that can lead to suicidal thoughts
• A personality or an identity affected by the destructive relational experience for the person under the influence. She has the impression of no longer controlling herself and no longer recognizing herself.

How to make someone understand that he is under the influence?

To make someone understand that he is under psychological influence, you will have to showing empathy. Ask him questions like:

• “Do you want to live this kind of relationship? »
• “What would you think if you lived through the scenes you are explaining to me? »
• ” What do you need ? »

Such questions bring the person under the influence back to basics : its needs. The main thing is to maintain the emotional bond as much as possible. It will also be necessary to awaken the critical sense in her thanks to neutral questions which do not await any particular question.

Bibliographic references on psychological influence in a couple

Here is a selection of seven bibliographical references on the theme of psychological influence in the couple:

1. Dossios, C. (2016). “The relationship of control.” The Journal of Psychologists, no. 337, pp. 46-49.
2. Bonnet, G. (2024). “Sexual control in the couple.” The Psy Notebook, no. 7, pp. 34-36.
3. Hugon, C., & Nétillard, C. (2013). “The relationship of control: A complex relational mode.” The Journal of Psychologists, no. 305, pp. 71-75.
4. Salmona, M. (2016). “Understanding influence to better protect and support victims of domestic violence.”
5. Gruev-Vintila, A. (2021). “Coercive control: Identifying intimate partner violence in the interactions and power relations between the perpetrator and the victim.”
6. Duc Marwood, A., & Regamey, V. (2021). “Control in the couple and in the family.” Family Therapy, flight. 42, no. 3, pp. 247-263.
7. Bourgeois, M. (2019). “Mental influence: forensic implication and survey of psychiatric experts.

These references offer an in-depth perspective on the different facets of psychological control within the couple, including theoretical analyses, case studies and therapeutic implications.

Conclusion

Psychological control in a couple is a complex and destructive reality that affects many people. Recognizing its mechanisms and signs is an essential step to get out of it and rebuild yourself. Thanks to a better understanding and adapted tools, it is possible to break this vicious circle and find a healthier and more balanced relationship.