The “Flying Monkeys”: Understanding and Coping with the Allies of Narcissists

In the complex world of toxic relationships, there is a particularly pernicious phenomenon: “flying monkeys”. These people, often manipulated themselves, become the unwitting allies of narcissists. Let’s discover together this concept, its impact, and how to protect yourself from it.

What is a “Flying Monkey”?

The term “flying monkey” comes from the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” where the Wicked Witch of the West commands an army of flying monkeys. In the context of toxic relationships, “flying monkeys” are people who, consciously or unconsciously, act on behalf of the narcissist, doing his or her “dirty work.”

These unwitting allies can be:

• Strangers on the internet
• The narcissist’s new partner
• Family members
• Former mutual friends
• Work colleagues

Why Become a “Flying Monkey”?

It’s fair to ask why anyone would accept this role. Here are some common reasons:

1. The deceptive charisma of the narcissist
2. Fear of retaliation
3. The desire to belong to the “privileged” circle
4. Subtle and progressive manipulation

The Narcissist’s View of the “Flying Monkeys”

• A Feeling of Omnipotence – For a narcissist, having “flying monkeys” provides a heady feeling of power. Imagine the pleasure they get from seeing people gang up on someone simply because they took their word for it.
• Effortless Validation – Narcissists love it when people defend them without them having to ask. This strengthens their image and allows them to keep their hands clean.

The Different Types of “Flying Monkeys”

• The Well-Intentioned Naive – Often manipulated, he sincerely thinks he is helping by intervening in the situation.
• The Malicious Troublemaker – He takes pleasure in spreading rumors and creating conflicts.
• The Machiavellian Loyal – Sometimes a narcissist himself, he understands and fully adheres to the agenda of the main narcissist.
• The Fearful Employee – Often forced to act out of fear of losing their job or status.

How Do Flying Monkeys Work?

1. They repeat the narcissist’s lies
2. They try to convince you to give the narcissist another chance
3. They may harass or denigrate you directly
4. Sometimes they pretend to support you to better manipulate you

Narcissists’ Tactics to Create “Flying Monkeys”

• La Smear Campaign – Narcissists excel at turning people against their target. They spread rumors and manipulate information to gain support from those around them.
• Exploiting the “Honeymoon” Period – The new partner, still under the narcissist’s spell, often becomes his most fervent defender. It’s difficult to convince them of the truth at this point.

The Tactics of Narcissists and Their “Flying Monkeys”

• The Smear Campaign – Narcissists excel at turning people against each other. They often use these to spread rumors or discredit their targets.
• Proxy Control – By using their allies, narcissists maintain their control without directly “getting their hands dirty.”

How to Protect Yourself from “Flying Monkeys”?

• Recognize the Signs – Learn to identify typical “flying monkey” behaviors: repeating the narcissist’s words, attempts to make you feel guilty, etc.
• Keep Your Distance – Limit your interactions with these people, especially if you are in the process of healing from a toxic relationship. Avoid engaging in direct confrontations with the “flying monkeys”. This could reinforce their conviction.
• Stay True to Your Values – Do not allow yourself to be drawn into actions that go against your principles, even under pressure.
• Focus on Your Healing Rather than exhausting yourself fighting the flying monkeys, focus on your well-being and recovery.
• Preserve Your Energy – Don’t waste your time trying to convince those who are deeply under the influence of the narcissist.
• Stay Impassive – Do not show that their actions affect you. Indifference is your best armor.
• Change Subject – Redirect the conversation to them. Flying monkeys often love to talk about themselves.
• Forgive, but Stand Firm – Forgiveness can sometimes defuse the situation, but maintain your boundaries.
• Cut the Conversation Short – If the pressure becomes too much, do not hesitate to end the exchange.

The Fate of the “Flying Monkeys”

It is important to understand that flying monkeys often end up becoming victims themselves. The narcissist abandons them as soon as they are no longer useful to him.