Ukuntula ngokomzwelo: izimbangela, izimpawu kanye nemiphumela ebudaleni

Ngezinye izikhathi uzizwa sengathi kukhona isikhala ngaphakathi esingagcwaliswa yilutho. Ukuncoma kukwenza uzizwe umuhle, bese kuyanyamalala. Ukuntuleka kwempendulo kukufaka osizini. Unikeza okuningi, ngokuvamile kakhulu, unethemba lokuthola imfudumalo encane. Lokho okuchazayo kuzwakala sengathi ukuntula ngokomzwelo.

Ukuntula ngokomzwelo akuyona ubuthakathaka. Ngokuvamile kuwuphawu lwesidingo esiyisisekelo esingahlangatshezwanga ngokwanele ngesikhathi sokuphila lapho umuntu wayethembele ngokuphelele kwabanye. Kulesi sihloko, sizohlola imvelaphi yaso, ukuthi sibonakala kanjani lapho umuntu esemdala, imiphumela yaso ebudlelwaneni, futhi, okubaluleke kakhulu, indlela yokubhekana naso.

Ukuntula ngokomzwelo: incazelo

Sikhuluma ngokuswela ngokomzwelo (noma ukuntuleka kothando) lapho umuntu engakatholi, noma engakatholi, ukunakwa, ububele, ukuqashelwa, kanye nokuvikeleka ngokomzwelo akudingayo. Leli gama lihlanganisa amaqiniso amabili avame ukufana:

• ukuswela ngokomzwelo isikhathi eside, ababhekana nakho ebuntwaneni: abazali abangekho, abakhungathekile, ababandayo, abangabikezeleki, noma bona ngokwabo behlupheka;
• isikhala semizwa samanje, onolwazi ebudlelwaneni bomuntu omdala: umlingani okude, ongenandaba noma umuntu osabalalisa uthando kancane.

Lokhu kokubili kuyadlana: umuntu owayengenalo uthando esemncane angase adonseleke ebudlelwaneni obuphindaphinda lokho kuntuleka. Sihlole lesi sixhumanisi esihlokweni sethu mayelana Ukuswela ngokomzwelo kanye nobuhlobo nomuntu ophambukile ozithanda ngokweqile.

Izimbangela zokuswela ngokomzwelo

Ebuntwaneni

Izingane zidinga ukuzizwa zibonwa, ziduduzwa, futhi zivikelekile. Uma lezi zidingo zingahlangatshezwani ngendlela ethembekile, zithuthukisa amasu okubhekana nezimo: ukuzenza zibe zincane, zibe ngabantu abaziphethe kahle, zizama kanzima ukujabulisa, noma ngokuphambene nalokho, zenqabe ukucela noma yini nhlobo. Izibonelo ezivamile zifaka:

• umzali ongakwazi ukuzimela ngokomzwelo (ukucindezeleka, umlutha, ukucindezelwa ngokweqile);
• imfundo lapho uthando lwaluxhomeke emiphumeleni noma ekulaleleni;
• le ukuhoxa ngokomzwelo komzali isetshenziswa njengesijeziso;
• ukuhlukana, ukushonelwa, ukulaliswa esibhedlela okungaphathwa kahle;
• umzali ozikhukhumezayo, owayelindele ukuthi ingane ihlangabezane nezidingo zayo.

Ucwaningo luhlola ngokucophelela lezi zivivinyo. Ucwaningo olwanyatheliswa ngo-2023 ku- Ubuchopho Nokuziphatha ihlole imiphumela yesikhathi eside yezinhlobo ezahlukene zokuhlukumezeka ebuntwaneni, okuhlanganisa nokunganakwa ngokomzwelo, futhi ibone umehluko ekusebenzeni kobuchopho ebudaleni. Lokhu akusho ukuthi konke kunqunyelwe kusengaphambili, kodwa ukuthi la manxeba ashiya imikhondo yangempela efanelwe ukuthathwa ngokungathi sína. Ukuze ufunde kabanzi, funda isihloko sethu ku- ukuhlukumezeka kobuntwana.

Lapho umuntu esemdala

Ukuntula ngokomzwelo kungavela noma kuphinde kuvele ebudlelwaneni bomuntu omdala: umlingani ongalokothi abonise ububele, ongazinaki izicelo zakho, oshintshashintsha phakathi kokunaka okukhulu nokunganaki. Ebudlelwaneni nomuntu okhohlisayo, uthando luze lube ithuluzi lokulawula: lunikezwa uma ulalela, luhoxiswe uma umelana.

Izimpawu zokuntula ngokomzwelo kubantu abadala

Ukuntula ngokomzwelo akubonakali kangako kulokho okushiwoyo kunakulokho okuhlangenwe nakho. Nazi izimpawu ezivame kakhulu:

• Ukwesaba okukhulu kokushiywa : ukulibaziseka, umlayezo ongaphendulwanga, kanye nokukhathazeka kuyakhula.
• Isidingo esiqhubekayo sokuqinisekiswa : “Uyangithanda?”, “Awuthukuthele?”.
• Ubunzima bokuthi cha, ngenxa yokwesaba ukulahlekelwa uthando lomunye umuntu.
• Ukuthambekela kokunikela kakhulu : isikhathi, imali, amandla, ukuze ufanele ukuthandwa.
• Ukuzethemba okuntekenteke, okuncike emibonweni yabanye.
• Umona noma ukungazethembi ngokomzwelo kunzima ukuthobisa.
• Umuzwa wokungabi nalutho uma uwedwa, ngezinye izikhathi ugcwele ukudla, izikrini, umsebenzi noma ukuthenga.
• Ubudlelwano obuphindaphindwayo nabalingani abangatholakali kakhulu.

Ukuntuleka kothando kwabesifazane, kwabesilisa

Ukuntula ngokomzwelo kuthinta wonke umuntu, kodwa ngezinye izikhathi kubonakala ngendlela ehlukile kuye ngendlela abakhuliswe ngayo. Abesifazane abaningi bafunde ukukhokha ngokunakekela abanye, besengozini yokuzidebeselela. Amadoda amaningi afunde ukungazibonisi izidingo zawo, okungabangela ukuhoxa, ukucasuka, noma ukuzibandakanya ngokweqile emisebenzini yabo. Kuzo zombili izimo, isidingo sifana: ukuzizwa uthandwa futhi uvikelekile.

Ukuntuleka kothando ebudlelwaneni: imiphumela

Ithiyori yokunamathela, evela emsebenzini kaJohn Bowlby, iyasiza ukuqonda ukuthi yini ehilelekile. Isibuyekezo esanyatheliswa ngo-2017 ku Umbono wamanje kuPsychology Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuthi abantu abanokunamathelana okungazethembi basabela kakhulu ekucindezelekeni ebuhlotsheni babo bothando: abanye bafuna ukusondelana ngokukhathazeka, kanti abanye bavala umlomo ukuze bazivikele.

Ngokwemvelo, ukuntuleka kothando kungaholela kulokhu okulandelayo kubantu ababili:

• a ukuncika okuthintekayo Esinye siba umthombo wokuphepha kuphela (bheka isihloko sethu ku- ukuncika ngokomzwelo);
• a ukubekezelelana ngokweqile ukuziphatha okulimazayo, ngenxa yokwesaba ukulahlekelwa ubuhlobo;
• we izingxabano eziphindaphindwayo ngokutholakala, umona, isidingo sobufakazi;
• a ubuthakathaka kubaphangiabasheshe babone lesi sidingo futhi bazi ukuthi bangasisebenzisa kanjani, isibonelo ngokuqhumisa uthando;
• a ukulahlekelwa ukuzethembaikakhulukazi lapho umlingani ehoxisa uthando njengesijeziso. Isihloko sethu mayelana ukuntuleka kokuzethemba kumbhangqwana hlola leli phuzu kabanzi.

Uma uzibona ukhathazekile, ungafunda nesihloko sethu ukuze uthole ukuqonda ukunamathela okukhathazekile.

Indlela yokunakekela izidingo zakho ezingokomzwelo: amathiphu ayi-6

Awukwazi ukuthatha indawo yobuntwana obungakaze ube nabo. Kodwa ungafunda ukupha, nokwamukela, lokho obekulahlekile. Nazi ezinye iziphakamiso eziqondile:

1. Vuma isidingo ngaphandle kokwahlulela. Ukudinga uthando kungumuntu. Inkinga akuyona isidingo ngokwaso, yilapho sikuholela ekwamukeleni okungamukeleki.
2. Thola izimbangela zakho. Yiziphi izikhathi ezivusa imizwa yokungabi nalutho noma yokulahlwa? Ukuzibiza ngamagama kusenza sisabele ngendlela ehlukile.
3. Hlukanisa imithombo yakho yothando. Abangane, umndeni okhethiwe, imisebenzi yeqembu, izilwane ezifuywayo: izidingo zakho akufanele zixhomeke kumuntu oyedwa kuphela.
4. Zijwayeze ukuzizwela. Khuluma nawe njengoba ubungakhuluma nengane oyithandayo. Kuzwakala kulula; kuwumkhuba wangempela.
5. Funda ukubeka imingcele. Ukwenqaba ngaphandle kokulahlekelwa uthando lwabanye kuyinto evuselelayo: kukukhombisa ukuthi uthando olunempilo aluzuzwa.
6. Thola umuntu ozohamba nawe. Ukwelashwa kwengqondo okugxile ekuzihlanganiseni kungasiza ekubuyekezeni okuhlangenwe nakho kwangaphambilini. Umqeqeshi angasiza ekushintsheni ukuziphatha kwansuku zonke.

Ukuntula ngokomzwelo akuyona into engelutho

Ukuntula ngokomzwelo akuyona inkinga yokuxilonga ngengqondo. Kuyincazelo yesipiliyoni esiphilayo, esiwusizo ekuqondeni ukusabela komuntu. Kodwa-ke, kungahambisana nezinkinga ezidinga ukwelashwa: ukucindezeleka, izinkinga zokukhathazeka, kanye nezinkinga zokudla. I-World Health Organization isikhumbuza ukuthi izinkinga zempilo yengqondo zivamile nokuthi kukhona ukwelashwa okuphumelelayo. Uma ukuhlupheka kwakho kuqhubeka, kuba kubi, noma kukuvimbela ukuba uphile impilo evamile, akukhona nje “ukuntuleka kothando”: kuyisizathu esizwakalayo sokufuna usizo.

Ukuswela ngokomzwelo akuyona into engenakugwenywa edluliselwa ezizukulwaneni ngezizukulwane. Ukuqaphela lokho obekuntula ngokuvamile yikho okukuvumela ukuthi ugweme ukukuphinda ezinganeni zakho noma kubantu obathandayo.

Uhlu Lokuhlola: Ingabe ukuntuleka kothando okungibangela ukuhlupheka?

• ☐ Ngivame ukwesaba ukushiywa, ngisho noma kungekho sizathu esiqondile.
• ☐ Nginenkinga yokuzizwa ngikhululekile ukuba ngedwa.
• ☐ Ngizizwa nginesibopho ngesimo sengqondo sabanye.
• ☐ Ngiyazamukela imikhuba engilimazayo ukuze ngingalahlekelwa ngumuntu.
• ☐ Ngikhumbula izenzo ezimbalwa zobubele ebuntwaneni bami.
• ☐ Ngizithola ngisebudlelwaneni nabantu abangatholakali kalula.

Izimpendulo eziningana ezinhle azisho ukuthi unesifo, kodwa zibonisa isidingo okufanele usiqaphele, futhi mhlawumbe nesochwepheshe.

Isilinganiso sempilo Uma ukuswela ngokomzwelo kuhambisana nokudabuka okuqhubekayo, ukukhathazeka okukhulu, ukuphazamiseka kokulala, noma imicabango emnyama, khuluma nodokotela wakho noma isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo. Uma kwenzeka ukucindezeleka, 3114 (Ukuvimbela ukuzibulala) kuyatholakala amahora angama-24 ngosuku, izinsuku eziyi-24 ngesonto. Uma kwenzeka udlame lwasekhaya, shayela ucingo ku- 3919, lo 17 noma 112.

Imibuzo fréquentes

Yiziphi izimpawu zokuntuleka kothando?

Okuvame kakhulu ukwesaba ukushiywa, isidingo sokuqinisekiswa, ubunzima bokuthi cha, ukuzethemba okubuthakathaka kanye nomuzwa wokungabi nalutho lapho uwedwa.

Ingabe ukuswela ngokomzwelo kungelapheka?

Angathola ukuthula okujulile. Ngokusebenza ekuzihlanganiseni nasekuzithembeni, nangokuba nobudlelwano obuphephile, abantu abaningi baphinde bathole ibhalansi ehlala njalo.

Ingabe ukuntuleka kothando kumenza umuntu abe sengozini yokuxhashazwa abantu abathanda ukuzikhukhumeza?

Kungandisa ubuthakathaka, ngoba umkhohlisi ekuqaleni unikeza lokho kanye obekuntula: ukunakwa, ukunconywa, izithembiso. Ukuqaphela lokhu kuyindlela yangempela yokuvikela.

Uyini umehluko phakathi kokuntula ngokomzwelo kanye nokuthembela ngokomzwelo?

Ukuswela ngokomzwelo kubhekisela esidingweni esingakagcwaliseki; ukuthembela ngokomzwelo kuyindlela eyodwa yokusabela kuso, ngokunamathela ebudlelwaneni ngokuzilimaza.

Isiphetho

Ukuswela ngokomzwelo kuxoxa indaba: yesidingo esisemthethweni esingakaze sihlangatshezwe ngaso sonke isikhathi. Namuhla, ungafunda ukusabela kuso ngendlela ehlukile, ngobumnene nangesineke, bese ukhetha ubudlelwano lapho uthando lugeleza khona kuzo zombili izindlela. Uma ushiya ubudlelwano obuye bandisa lokhu kuswela futhi ungathanda ukwesekwa, ungathola ukwesekwa kwezisulu zabahlukumezi abazikhukhumezayo.

Imithombo

• USimpson JA noRholes WS, “Ukunamathelana Kwabantu Abadala, Ukucindezeleka, Nobudlelwano Bothando,” Umbono wamanje kuPsychology2017: I-PMC4845754
• UCai J. et al., “Imiphumela yesikhathi eside yezinhlobo zokuhlukumezeka ebuntwaneni ekusebenzeni kobuchopho babantu abadala”, Ubuchopho Nokuziphatha2023: I-PMC10175996
• I-World Health Organization, “Izinkinga Zengqondo” (iphepha lamaqiniso): who.int

Izinombolo zocingo ezithi 17, 3114 no-3919 ezishiwo kuleli khasi zisebenza ezinsizeni zaseFrance.