Umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza: ukwenziwa ngcono, ukwehla kwenani, ukwenqatshwa, kanye nesigaba somshado

Ekuqaleni, kwakuyindaba yenganekwane. Wayecabanga ukuthi ungumuntu ongavamile, wakubhalela njalo, futhi wayesekhuluma ngekusasa. Kwabe sekuthi kancane kancane, kwavela into ethile. Kwaqala ukugxekwa, kwathuleka, kwahlanjalazwa. Ngolunye usuku, wahamba, noma wakwenza waqonda ukuthi awulutho. Kwathi ngemva kwamasonto ambalwa, wabuya, enomusa, exolisa, njengosuku lokuqala.

Uma lesi simo sizwakala sijwayelekile, kungenzeka ukuthi uke wabhekana nalokho okwaziwa ngokuthi umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumezaUkuqonda izigaba zayo akukwenzi ubuhlungu buphele, kodwa kusiza kakhulu ukuyeka ukuzibuza ukuthi “ngenzeni kabi?”.

Uyini umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza?

Umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza uchaza ukulandelana kwezigaba ezivame ukutholakala ebudlelwaneni nomuntu ohlukumezayo ngokuzikhukhumeza: ukulinganisa, ukwehlisa intengo, ukwenqatshwa, bese kubuyela (“ihoneymoon” noma “ukuzulazula”). Lo mjikelezo ungaphindaphinda kaningi ngaphakathi kobudlelwano obufanayo.

Kumelwe sithembeke ngephuzu elilodwa: lo modeli uvela kakhulu kokuhlangenwe nakho kwezisulu kanye nochwepheshe ababasekelayo. Ucwaningo lwesayensi lusanda kuqala ukuluhlola. Isihloko esanyatheliswa ngo-2025 ku-Ijenali YaseNdiya Yezokwelapha Kwengqondo (u-Ameen nabanye) kugcizelela ngokufanele ukuthi lo mjikelezo wokuhlukunyezwa okunobugovu, ochazwa kabanzi yizisulu, udinga ukunakwa okwengeziwe kwezokwelapha kanye nocwaningo.

Ngokuvamile kuqhathaniswa nezinye izindlela ezifundwe kangcono, njengomjikelezo wobudlova basekhaya noma inkolelo-mbono yokubopha okubuhlungu (bheka ngezansi).

Isigaba 1: Ukuhlelwa Kwezinto Ezinhle

Lesi yisigaba sokuyenga esinzima. Usenkabeni yezwe lakhe.

• Ukunikeza izincomo, ukunaka kanye nemiyalezo.
• Kubonakala sengathi uyabelana ngezinto ozithandayo, izindinganiso zakho, amaphupho akho: yilowo umphumela “wokuthandana nomphefumulo”.
• Izinto zihamba ngokushesha okukhulu: izimemezelo, amaphrojekthi, ukuhlangana ndawonye, ​​ingane.
• Uvula isifuba sakhe, ngokuvamile mayelana nobuhlungu besikhathi esidlule, okudala ngokushesha umuzwa wokusondelana.

Lesi sigaba sivame ukubizwa ngokuthi thanda amabhomuKudala ukunamathelana okunamandla kakhulu kanye nenkumbulo ejabulisayo ozoyigcina. Sikuchaze kabanzi esihlokweni sethu mayelana uthando lokuqhuma amabhomu.

Ngonyaka wokuqala, izisulu eziningi zibona lesi sigaba njengesikhathi esihle kakhulu empilweni yazo. Yilokhu kanye okuzokwenza okulandelayo kungaqondakali kangaka.

Isigaba 2: Ukwehla kwenani

Kancane kancane, indlela abantu abakubheka ngayo iyashintsha. Umuntu owayekuncoma uqala ukukugxeka.

• Amazwi abuhlungu avela, ekuqaleni ngesimo “samahlaya”.
• Izimfanelo zakho ziba amaphutha: ubumnene bakho buba ubuthakathaka, ukuzimela kwakho kuba ubugovu.
• Ukuthula okubangelwa yizijeziso kuyaqala.
• Kushintshashintsha phakathi kokubanda kanye nezikhathi zobubele, okukugcina unethemba.

Lokhu kushintshana kubalulekile. Kunegama: shisa futhi kubandaAwusoze wazi ukuthi uzothola yiphi inguqulo yakhe, futhi wenza konke ongakwenza ukuze uthole lowo kusukela ekuqaleni.

Ukuze uthole izindlela eziqondile zalesi sigaba, bheka izihloko zethu ezithi ukwehla futhi ukwelashwa buthule.

Isigaba 3: Ukwenqatshwa (noma “ukulahla”)

Ngesinye isikhathi, awusamniki lokho akudingayo: ukunconywa, ukunakwa, ukulawula. Angase akwenqabe, ngezinye izikhathi ngonya.

• Uhamba ngaphandle kwencazelo, noma enezinsolo ezikwenza ube necala.
• Ngezinye izikhathi usevele enomunye umuntu engqondweni yakhe, lowo amcabanga njengomuntu ofanele yena.
• Angase akhulume kabi ngawe kubantu enibajwayele.
• Uzithola udabukile, uzibuza ukuthi wenzeni.

Ukwenqatshwa akuyona njalo ukuhlukana okusemthethweni. Kungathatha isimo sokunganaki okuphelele phakathi kwabashadile. Sichaza lesi sigaba esihlokweni sethu lapho umuntu ophambukayo ozithanda ngokweqile eshiya isisulu sakhe.

Isigaba 4: I-honeymoon kanye nokubuya (i-hoovering)

Ngemva kwesikhathi esithile sokulahlwa, noma ngemva kokuba usuhambile, uyabuya. Igama lesiNgisi elithi “hoovering” (elivela egameni lomkhiqizo wokuhlanza i-vacuum) liwuchaza kahle lo mbono: uzama “ukukuncela” ukuze ubuyele ebuhlotsheni.

• Uxolisa, uthembisa ukushintsha, ukhuluma ngokwelashwa.
• Kuvusa izikhathi ezimnandi, kuphinda kusetshenziswe amakhodi akho, izingoma zakho, nezindawo zakho.
• Angasebenzisa futhi umuzwa wecala, isihawu, noma ngisho nezinsongo.
• Isigaba esisha sokucabanga ngendlela efanele siqala, ngokuvamile esifushane kunesokuqala.

Lokhu kubuya kunamandla kakhulu ngoba uke wahlupheka. Impumuzo inkulu kakhulu, futhi iqinisa isibopho. Uzothola isiqondiso sendlela yokumelana naso esihlokweni sethu mayelana ukuzulazula.

Umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza kanye nomjikelezo wobudlova basekhaya: yini umehluko?

Umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza uvame ukuqhathaniswa nomjikelezo wobudlova basekhaya, ochazwe ngasekupheleni kweminyaka yama-1970 yisazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uLenore Walker: ukungezwani okwandayo, ukuqhuma, ukuzithethelela, bese kuba yisikhathi “somshado”. Lezi zinhlobo ezimbili zifana ngendlela efanayo: ukushintshana phakathi kokuhlupheka nokubuyisana, okugcina isisulu sisebuhlotsheni.

Umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza ugxila kakhulu endleleni abanye abakubona ngayo: okokuqala ukwenziwa ube ngowomuntu ongcono, bese wehliswa isithunzi, bese wenqatshwa, bese ufiswa futhi. Ungaba khona ngaphandle kobudlova obungokomzimba, okwenza kube nzima ngezinye izikhathi ukukubona.

Le mijikelezo emibili ingaphinde ihlangane. Uma izigaba zokungezwani zihambisana nezinsongo, izenzo zobudlova noma ukwesaba ukuphepha kwakho, akuseyona nje indlela yokuphatha izinto: isimo siwubudlova basekhaya futhi sidinga usizo olusheshayo.

Kungani kunzima kangaka ukuphula umjikelezo

Izisulu eziningi zizisola ngokuthi “ziphendulwe” izikhathi eziningi. Kodwa-ke, lokhu kuziphatha kungachazwa.

Ukuqinisa ngezikhathi ezithile

Imivuzo engalindelekile (isikhathi sobubele phakathi kokubanda) yakha isibopho esiqinile kunemivuzo evamile. Lena yindlela eyaziwayo kwisayensi yezengqondo yokufunda.

Isixhumanisi esibuhlungu

Ngawo-1990, abacwaningi uDonald Dutton noSusan Painter bafunda ngabesifazane ababeshiye ubudlelwano obuhlukumezayo. Umsebenzi wabo (owanyatheliswa kuyi-jenali) Ubudlova nezisulu (ngo-1993) basekela umbono wokuthi ukushintshana phakathi kokuphathwa kabi kanye nezikhathi ezinhle, okuhambisana nokungalingani kwamandla, kuqinisa ukunamathelana nomlingani, ngisho nangemva kokuhlukana. Lokhu yilokho okubizwa ngokuthi isibopho esibuhlungu.

Ukuguguleka kokuzethemba

Ngemva kwezinyanga zokwehliswa isithunzi, ukholelwa ukuthi udinga ukuthi azizwe ephila. Ucwaningo mayelana nokulawula okuphoqelelayo luxhumanisa lolu hlobo lobudlova nezimpawu zokucindezeleka kanye nesifo sokucindezeleka ngemva kwenhlekelele (ULohmann nabanye, 2024).

Ukuhlaziywa kwe-meta okushicilelwe ku- Ukuhlukumezeka, Ubudlova Nokuxhashazwa (Oliver et al., 2024) Ngaphezu kwalokho, kutholakala isixhumanisi esibuthakathaka kodwa esibalulekile phakathi kwezici zokuzikhukhumeza kanye nobudlova obungokwengqondo kulo mbhangqwana, okuphawuleka kakhulu kulokho okubizwa ngokuthi ukuzikhukhumeza “okusengozini”.

Ukuze ufunde kabanzi, funda isihloko sethu ku- ugibe lomuntu ophambukayo oziqhenyayo.

Uhlu Lokuhlola: Phula umjikelezo

1. Thola isigaba okuso. Ukubeka ideal, ukwehlisa i-value, ukwenqatshwa noma ukubuyisela? Ukubeka igama kukho kusiza ukuthola umbono.
2. Bhala indaba yobudlelwano. Qaphela imijikelezo edlule: ukuthi ibuyile kangaki, ukuthi ukuthula kwahlala isikhathi esingakanani. Iphethini iyavela.
3. Qaphela iholidi elisha lomshado. Ukuxolisa akwanele. Ushintsho lwangempela lubonakala ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, hhayi ezithembisweni.
4. Nciphisa noma ucime ukushisa Uma kungenzeka. Uma engakwazi ukufinyelela kuwe kancane, kulapho engakwazi ukuqala kabusha umjikelezo kancane.
5. Lungiselela izimpendulo zakho kusenesikhathi Okwamanje ebuya: umusho omfushane, noma ukungaphenduli nhlobo.
6. Thola indawo yakho. Abangane, umndeni, imisebenzi: okwakukhona ngaphambi kwakhe.
7. Yamukela ukuntuleka. Imizwa yokulahlekelwa ivamile ngemva kobudlelwano obubuhlungu. Iyaphela ngokuhamba kwesikhathi kanye nebanga.
8. Thola umuntu ozohamba nawe. Uchwepheshe uyakusiza uqonde ukuthi kungani uhlale, ngaphandle kokwahlulela, futhi ugweme ukuphinda leso simo.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

Umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza uhlala isikhathi esingakanani?

Akukho sikhathi esinqunyiwe. Eminye imijikelezo ihlala iminyaka, eminye amasonto ambalwa. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, izigaba zokwenziwa kwezinto zibe ngcono zivame ukufinyela.

Ingabe umuntu othanda ukuzikhukhumeza uhlala ebuya?

Akunjalo ngaso sonke isikhathi, kodwa kuvamile, ikakhulukazi uma engakatholi umthombo omusha wokunakwa noma uma enomuzwa wokuthi uphila kahle ngaphandle kwakhe.

Kungenzeka yini ukugqashula kulo mjikelezo ngaphandle kokunqamula ngokuphelele ukuxhumana?

Kunzima kakhulu, ikakhulukazi uma kunezingane. Kulokhu, ukunciphisa ukushintshana kuze kube sezingeni eliphansi, ngokubhala phansi, kusiza ukunciphisa amathuba okuqala kabusha umjikelezo.

Kungani ngizizwa ngikhangwa nguye uma ngazi ukuthi uyangilimaza?

Ngenxa yokuxhumana okubuhlungu kanye nokuqinisa ngezikhathi ezithile. Akusikho ukuntuleka kwamandla okuzimisela noma ukuhlakanipha. Ukuqonda le ndlela kuyisinyathelo sokuqala sokugqashula.

Ekuphethweni

Umjikelezo wokuzikhukhumeza uchaza ukuthi kungani ubudlelwano bungaba obuhle kakhulu futhi bube buhlungu kakhulu empilweni yakho. Akukhona ukuthi ushintshe ngobusuku obubodwa; kuyiphethini ephindaphindayo, enezigaba zayo ezibikezelwayo.

Ukuqaphela lokhu kuyisinyathelo sokuqala sokugqashula. Uma ungathanda ukwesekwa ekugqashuleni lo mjikelezo nokubuyisela ibhalansi yakho, ungafunda kabanzi mayelana Ukuqeqesha izisulu zokuhlukunyezwa okunobugovu.

Uma lobu budlelwano buthinta impilo yakho yengqondo noma yomzimba, xhumana nodokotela noma isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo. Uma kwenzeka ingozi: 3919 (Ulwazi Lodlame Lwabesifazane, lumahhala futhi alunagama), 17 noma 112.

Imithombo

• U-Ameen S. nabanye (2025). Umjikelezo Wokuxhashazwa Okungenandaba Nokuzikhukhumeza Udinga Ukunakwa Kwezokwelapha NocwaningoIjenali YaseNdiya Yezokwelapha Ngengqondo.
• U-Oliver E. nabanye (2024). Ukuzikhukhumeza Nobudlova Bomlingani Oseduze: Ukubuyekezwa Okuhlelekile Nokuhlaziywa KwemininingwaneUkuhlukumezeka, Ubudlova Nokuxhashazwa.
• ULohmann S. nabanye (2024). Imiphumela Yokuhlukumezeka Nempilo Yengqondo Yokulawula Okuphoqelelayo: Ukubuyekezwa Okuhlelekile Nokuhlaziywa Kwe-MetaUkuhlukumezeka, Ubudlova Nokuxhashazwa.
• UDutton DG, uPainter S. (1993). Ukunamathelana ngokomzwelo ebudlelwaneni obuhlukumezayo: ukuhlolwa kwenkolelo-mbono yokubopha okubuhlungu. Ubudlova nezisulu, 8 (2), 105-120.

Izinombolo zocingo ezithi 17, 3114 no-3919 ezishiwo kuleli khasi zisebenza ezinsizeni zaseFrance.