The narcissistic abuse cycle: idealisation, devaluation, discard and the honeymoon phase

At first, it was a fairytale. He thought you were extraordinary, wrote to you constantly, and was already talking about the future. Then, little by little, something cracked. The criticisms started, the silences, the reproaches. One day, he left, or made you understand that you were worthless. And a few weeks later, he came back, tender, apologetic, just like the first day.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you have probably experienced what is known as the narcissistic abuse cycle. Understanding its phases does not make the pain disappear, but it greatly helps to stop asking yourself “what did I do wrong?”.

What is the narcissistic cycle?

The narcissistic cycle describes the succession of phases that are very often found in a relationship with a narcissist: idealisation, devaluation, rejection, then return (the “honeymoon” or “hoovering”). This cycle can repeat itself many times within the same relationship.

We must be honest about one point: this model stems primarily from the experience of victims and the professionals who support them. Scientific research is only just beginning to explore it. An article published in 2025 in the Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine (Ameen et al.) rightly emphasises that this cycle of narcissistic abuse, which is widely described by victims, deserves more clinical attention and research.

It is often compared to other, better-studied models, such as the cycle of domestic violence or the theory of traumatic bonding (see below).

Phase 1: Idealisation

This is the intense seduction phase. You are at the centre of his world.

• He showers you with compliments, attention, and messages.
• He seems to share your tastes, your values, your dreams: that’s the “soulmate” effect.
• He moves very quickly: declarations of love, plans for the future, moving in together, having a child.
• He opens up, often about past hurts, which quickly creates a sense of intimacy.

This phase is often called love bombing. It creates a very strong attachment and a happy memory that you will then hold onto. We detailed it in our article on love bombing.

During the first year, many victims experience this phase as the best time of their lives. This is precisely what will make what follows so incomprehensible.

Phase 2: Devaluation

Gradually, the way he sees you changes. The person who used to admire you starts to criticise you.

• The hurtful remarks appear, initially in the form of “jokes”.
• Your qualities become flaws: your gentleness becomes weakness, your independence becomes selfishness.
• He starts using silence as a punishment.
• He alternates between coldness and tenderness, keeping your hopes alive.

This alternation is crucial. It has a name: blowing hot and cold. You never know which version of him you’re going to find, and you do everything you can to find the one from the beginning.

For the precise mechanisms of this phase, see our articles on devaluation and the silent treatment.

Phase 3: Rejection (or “discard”)

At some point, you no longer provide what he needs: admiration, attention, control. He may then reject you, sometimes brutally.

• He leaves without explanation, or with accusations that make you responsible.
• He sometimes already has another person in mind, whom he idealises in turn.
• He may speak ill of you to your mutual acquaintances.
• You find yourself devastated, wondering what you have done.

Rejection isn’t always a formal breakup. It can also take the form of complete indifference within the couple. We explain this phase in our article when the narcissist leaves his victim.

Phase 4: The honeymoon and the return (hoovering)

Some time after the rejection, or after you have left, he comes back. The English term “hoovering” (from the name of a vacuum cleaner brand) illustrates the idea well: he seeks to “suck” you back into the relationship.

• He apologises, promises to change, talks about therapy.
• He brings up happy memories and draws on the things you shared: private references, favourite songs and familiar places.
• He can also use guilt, pity, or even threats.
• A new phase of idealisation begins, often shorter than the first.

This return is all the more powerful because you have suffered. The relief is immense, and it strengthens the bond. You will find guidance on how to resist in our article on hoovering.

Narcissistic cycle and cycle of domestic violence: what are the differences?

The narcissistic cycle is often compared to the cycle of domestic violence, described in the late 1970s by psychologist Lenore Walker: rising tension, explosion, justification, then a “honeymoon” period. The two models share a key commonality: the alternation between suffering and reconciliation, which keeps the victim in the relationship.

The narcissistic cycle focuses primarily on how your partner sees you: first idealised, then devalued, then rejected, then desired again. It can exist without physical violence, which sometimes makes it more difficult to identify.

The two cycles can also overlap. If the phases of tension are accompanied by threats, violent gestures or fear for your safety, it is no longer just manipulation: the situation constitutes domestic violence and requires prompt support.

Why it’s so difficult to break the cycle

Many victims blame themselves for having gone back to the relationship several times. However, this behaviour can be explained.

Intermittent reinforcement

Unpredictable rewards (a moment of tenderness amidst coldness) create a stronger bond than regular rewards. This is a well-known mechanism in the psychology of learning.

Trauma bonding

In the 1990s, researchers Donald Dutton and Susan Painter studied women who had left abusive relationships. Their work (published in the journal Violence and Victims in 1993) support the idea that the alternation between mistreatment and positive moments, associated with a power imbalance, strengthens attachment to the partner, even after separation. This is what is called a trauma bond.

The erosion of self-esteem

After months of being devalued, you believe you need him to feel alive. Research on coercive control links this form of violence to symptoms of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (Lohmann et al., 2024).

A meta-analysis published in Trauma, Violence & Abuse (Oliver et al., 2024) also finds a weak but significant association between narcissistic traits and psychological abuse in intimate relationships, with a stronger association for so-called “vulnerable” narcissism.

To learn more, read our article on the narcissist’s trap.

Checklist: Break the cycle

1. Identify the phase you are in. Idealisation, devaluation, rejection or return? Putting a name to it helps to gain perspective.
2. Write the story of the relationship. Note the past cycles: how many times he returned and how long each calmer period lasted. The pattern becomes visible.
3. Beware of the new honeymoon. Apologies are not enough. Real change is seen over time, not in promises.
4. Reduce or cut off contact if possible. The less access he has to you, the less he can restart the cycle.
5. Prepare your answers in advance for the moment he returns: a short sentence, or no response at all.
6. Reconnect with your support network. Friends, family, activities: what existed before him.
7. Accept that you miss him. Missing someone is normal after a trauma bond. That feeling fades with time and distance.
8. Seek support. A professional helps you understand why you stayed, without judgement, and to avoid repeating the pattern.

FAQ

How long does a narcissistic cycle last?

There is no fixed duration. Some cycles last for years, others for a few weeks. Over time, the phases of idealisation often tend to shorten.

Does a narcissist always come back?

Not always, but it’s common, especially if he hasn’t found a new source of attention or if he feels you’re doing fine without him.

Is it possible to break free from the cycle without completely cutting off contact?

It’s more difficult, especially when there are children. In this case, reducing exchanges to the bare minimum, in writing, helps limit opportunities to restart the cycle.

Why do I feel attracted to him when I know he’s hurting me?

Because of trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement. It’s not a lack of willpower or intelligence. Understanding this mechanism is the first step to breaking free.

Conclusion

The narcissistic cycle explains why a relationship can be both the most beautiful and the most painful of your life. It’s not that you changed overnight; it’s a pattern that repeats itself, with its predictable phases.

Recognising it is the first step towards breaking free. If you’d like support in breaking this cycle and regaining your balance, you can learn more about coaching for survivors of narcissistic abuse.

If this relationship is affecting your mental or physical health, consult a doctor or psychologist. In case of danger: 3919 (Violences Femmes Info, free and anonymous), 17 or 112.

Sources

• Ameen S. et al. (2025). Narcissistic Abuse Cycle Deserves Clinical and Research Attention. Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine.
• Oliver E. et al. (2024). Narcissism and Intimate Partner Violence: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Trauma, Violence & Abuse.
• Lohmann S. et al. (2024). The Trauma and Mental Health Impacts of Coercive Control: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis. Trauma, Violence & Abuse.
• Dutton DG, Painter S. (1993). Emotional attachments in abusive relationships: a test of traumatic bonding theory. Violence and Victims, 8(2), 105-120.