Ukuqonda Okunamathiselwe Okukhathazayo Ebudlelwaneni Ne-FN

Njengomuntu wesifazane oke wathandana nomuntu obhedayo, uyazi ukuthi lezi zigigaba zingalimaza futhi zicasule kanjani. Ukuntula uzwela kwe-narcissist, ukukhohlisa, nokuhlukumeza ngokomzwelo kuhlasela ukuzethemba kwakho kanye nekhono lakho lokwakha ukuxhumana okunempilo. Enhliziyweni yalokhu okuguquguqukayo okunobuthi kuvame ukuba uhlobo oluthile lokunamathiselwe: okunamathiselwe kokukhathazeka.

Kuyini ukunamathela kokukhathazeka?

Ukukhathazeka okunamathiselwe kuyisitayela sokunamathiselwe esivame ukukhula phakathi nengane lapho izidingo zomzwelo zengane zingahlangatshezwana nazo ngendlela ezinzile nengaguquguquki ngezibalo zayo zokunamathiselwe. Lokhu kungaqiniseki kwasekuqaleni kudala kubantu abadala isidingo esiqhubekayo sokuqinisekiswa nokusondelana ngokomzwelo, kuhlanganiswe nokwesaba okukhulu kokulahlwa.

Ebudlelwaneni nomuntu ohlanekezela i-narcissistic, lokhu kunamathela okukhathazayo kuzibonakalisa ngezindlela ezimbalwa:

1. Isidingo eseqile somshwalense

Abantu abanokunamathela okukhathazayo banesidingo esicishe singaneliseki sokugunyazwa nokuqinisekiswa kabusha okuvela kubalingani babo. Bachitha isikhathi sabo befuna izimpawu zokuthi umlingani wabo uyabathanda futhi babambelele ngokujulile kukho konke ukubonakaliswa kothando. Ngeshwa, i-narcissistic pervert ayikwazi ukufeza lesi sidingo, esibhebhezela ukukhathazeka kuphela.

2. Ukwesaba njalo ukulahlwa

Ukwesaba ukulahlwa kuwumthombo omkhulu wokukhathazeka kumuntu onokunamathela kokukhathazeka. Uhumusha ukuziphatha okubi ngakunye, ibanga ngalinye nomlingani wakhe njengophawu lokuthi uzokwaliwa. Isisulu njalo ukwesaba ukulahlwa. Lokhu kwesaba okungenangqondo kuvame ukumcindezela ukuba athathe ukuziphatha kokulawula, umona noma ukuncenga, okwenza isimo sibe sibi nakakhulu.

3. Ukuzehlisa

Ukunamathela kokukhathazeka kuvame ukuhambisana nokuzethemba. Umuntu uzizwa engakufanelekeli ukuthandwa nokunakwa umlingani wakhe, okumenza abe sengcupheni yokugxekwa kanye nokuxhashazwa yi-narcissist. Khona-ke akabi nankinga yokumkhulisa umntwana, amlulaze futhi amenze azizwe enecala.

Izici Zokunamathisela Okukhathazeka

Abantu abanokunamathela okukhathazayo bavame ukuzizwa bevikela njalo ebudlelwaneni babo. Bazabalaza ukuze baziqinisekise futhi babeke imingcele enempilo, beqakathekisa umlingani wabo kuyilapho bezibukela phansi. Bafuna ngokuxhamazela ukuvunyelwa kanye nokusondelana ngokomzwelo, okubenza babe sengcupheni yokuphendukela kumuntu okhohlakele.

Izingibe Zokunamathela Okukhathazeka Ebudlelwaneni Obunobuthi

Abantu abaxhumene ngokukhathazeka bavame ukuhlala ebudlelwaneni obungenampilo, naphezu kokuhlukunyezwa abakutholayo. Bathethelela futhi bathethelele ukuziphatha kwe-narcissist, bazisole bona ngokwabo. Lokhu okuguquguqukayo kubakhiyele kumjikelezo ononya wokuhlukumezeka nokulutheka.

Ukunamathela okukhathazekile ebudlelwaneni nomuntu ophendukezela i-narcissistic

Ubuhlobo nomuntu othanda ukuzikhukhumeza bunikeza indawo evundile kakhulu yokuthuthukiswa noma ukwanda kokunamathelana okukhathazayo, okudala inethiwekhi eyinkimbinkimbi ukuxhashazwa ngokomzwelo okuya kuba nzima kancane kancane ukuzikhipha kukho.

Isigaba sokuqala sokuthatha

• Ngithanda ukuqhuma amabhomu ukudala ukuncika okuthintekayo
• I-idealization eyeqile iqinisa amaphethini okunamathiselwe akhathazekile
• Ukwakhiwa kwebhamuza lobudlelwano elihlukanisa isisulu
• Ukufakwa kokuzethemba okuphelele kulandelwa ama-micro-traumas

Izindlela zokususa uzinzo

• Ukushintshana okungalindelekile phakathi kokulinganisa nokwehliswa kwamanani
• Ukukhanyisa igesi okuhlelekile kudala ukungabaza mayelana neqiniso
• Unxantathu nabanye abantu ukudala umhawu
• Ukugxekwa njalo okugcina isimo sokungavikeleki unomphela

Ubudlelwano obunobuthi

Lapho owesifazane onokunamathela ngokukhathazeka ezithola esobudlelwaneni nomuntu ohlukumeza i-narcissistic, kungena umjikelezo onobuthi. Isidingo esiqhubekayo sowesifazane sokuqinisekiswa sifanelana ngokuphelele nokomela kwe-narcissistic pervert yokulawula namandla. Lokhu kungase kudlale kulokhu kuba sengcupheni, izikhathi ezishintshanayo zokuyenga okukhulu (“ukuqhuma kwamabhomu othando”) kanye nezigaba zokwenqatshwa nokwehla.

Lokhu kushintshana phakathi kwe-idealization kanye nokwehla kwenani kudala ukuhlukumezeka kohlobo lwe-“attachment bond” kwabesifazane. Uzithola evaleleke ebudlelwaneni lapho ezizwa ekhangwa futhi exoshwa, ethandwa futhi ezondwa. Lokhu kubizwa ngokuthi “i-attachment trauma.”

Ukunqoba Okunamathiselwe Okukhathazeka Ebudlelwaneni Obunobuthi

Ebhekene nalokhu kuguquguquka okubhubhisayo, owesifazane onokunamathela kokukhathazeka angazikhulula kanjani futhi azakhe kabusha? Nansi eminye imibono:

1. Qaphela ukunamathela kwakho okukukhathazayo

Isinyathelo sokuqala ukuqonda izimbangela zokunamathela kwakho okukhathazayo kanye nezindlela ezisebenzayo ebuhlotsheni obunobuthi. Lokhu kuzokuvumela ukuthi ungabe usazizwa unecala noma unesici, kodwa uqaphele ukuthi lawa maphethini obudlelwane anemvelaphi yawo ebuntwaneni. Lokhu kuqwashisa kungenziwa lula ngokufunda izincwadi ezikhuluma ngale ndaba noma ngokuthintana nochwepheshe. Kubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuthi ukunamathela kokukhathazeka kuyimpendulo eguquguqukayo kokuhlangenwe nakho okudlule hhayi iphutha lomuntu siqu.

2. Zihlukanise ngokomzwelo nomuntu ophendukezela i-narcissistic

Ukunqamula ukuxhumana okungokomzwelo nomuntu ophendukezela i-narcissistic kuyinselele enkulu kumuntu onokunamathela okukhathazekile. Kuthatha isikhathi, isineke kanye nosizo lwangaphandle. Ukwelashwa okukhethekile ekuhlukumezeni okuhlobene nokunamathiselwe kungase kubaluleke.

Indlela “yokungathintani” ingaba ithuluzi elinamandla lokusiza leli qembu. Kuyasiza futhi ukugcina ijenali ukuze uveze imizwa yakho ngaphandle futhi uthole umbono ngesimo.

3. Yakha kabusha ukuzethemba okunempilo

Ukwehla kwenani ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi kulimaze kakhulu ukuzethemba. Kubalulekile ukulungisa kabusha lesi sici, ngokuzihlanganisa nabantu abakhathalelayo futhi wenze imisebenzi enomvuzo. Kancane kancane, owesifazane uzofunda ukuzithanda nokuzethemba. Ukuzijwayeza ukuzizwela nsuku zonke kuyingxenye ebalulekile yale nqubo. Kungaba usizo ukwenza uhlu lwezimfanelo zakho kanye nempumelelo ukuze ulinganisele imiyalezo engemihle eyenziwe ngaphakathi.

4. Funda ukulawula ukukhathazeka nokwesaba ukulahlwa

Thuthukisa amasu okulawula ingcindezi nokukhathazeka, njengokuzindla noma ukwelapha. Funda ukubhekana nokwesaba kwakho ukulahlwa ngendlela enempilo neyakhayo. Amasu okuphefumula okujulile nengqondo angasebenza kakhulu ekudambiseni isimiso sezinzwa. Ukuchayeka kancane kancane ezimeni ezibangela ukukhathazeka okumaphakathi, endaweni ephephile, kungasiza ekuqedeni kancane kancane lokhu kwesaba.

5. Yakha okunamathiselwe okuvikelekile

Umgomo wokugcina uwukuthuthukisa ukunamathelana okuvikelekile, okusho ikhono lokudala izibopho ezizinzile zemizwa, ngokusekelwe ekwethembaneni nasekuhlonipheni. Lokhu kungabandakanya ukwelashwa, amaqembu okusekela noma ukwakha ubudlelwano obusha obunempilo.

Le nqubo ihilela ukuhlola kabusha izinkolelo zomuntu ngaye siqu nobudlelwano, okuvame ukuchema ngenxa yokuhlangenwe nakho kwesikhathi esidlule. Kubalulekile ukukhumbula ukuthi ushintsho lungenzeka, ngisho noma kuthatha isikhathi.

6. Yenza Ukwelapha

a Ukwelapha, ngokufanelekile ngochwepheshe ogxile ebudlelwaneni obunobuthi, uzokusiza uqonde amaphethini obudlelwano bakho futhi uthuthukise ukuziphatha okunempilo. Izindlela ezinjengokwelashwa kokuziphatha kwengqondo noma i-EMDR zingasebenza ngokukhethekile ekwelapheni ukuhlukumezeka kobudlelwane obunobuthi. Ungangabazi ukuthatha isikhathi sokuthola umelaphi ozizwa uqiniseka futhi uphephile kuye.

7. Beka imingcele ecacile

Funda ukwenqaba, zivikele, futhi uziqhelelanise ngokomzimba nangokomzwelo kumuntu ophendukezela i-narcissistic lapho kudingeka. Ukuphepha kwakho kanye nenhlalakahle yakho kufanele kube yinto eza kuqala.

Qala ngezinyathelo ezincane, uzilolonge ezimweni ezicindezela kancane kuqala. Khumbula ukuthi ukubeka imingcele kuyisenzo sokuzithanda, hhayi ubugovu.

Ireferensi ye-bibliographic ukuqonda okunamathiselwe okukhathazayo

Nazi izikhombo zebhayibheli eziyisikhombisa endikimbeni yokunamathisela okukhathazayo:

1. Bowlby, J. (1988). Isisekelo Sothando: Okunamathiselwe Nokulahlekelwa. EParis: Editions Odile Jacob.
2. Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P.R. (2007). Okunamathiselwe ebudaleni: Isakhiwo, amandla, kanye noshintsho. ENew York: I-Guilford Press.
3. Gosselin, P. (2011). I-psychology yokunamathisela. Paris: Presses Universitaires de France.
4. Lécourt, A. (2015). Okunamathiselwe: indlela yokwenza izinto eziningi. EParis: Editions L’Harmattan.
5. Cohen, J. (2004). Okunamathiselwe kanye nokuthuthukiswa kwengane. I-Lyon: I-Éditions Chronique Sociale.
6. Lange, I., & Vandenberghe, R. (2010). Okunamathiselwe: phakathi kwethiyori nokusebenza. EBrussels: De Boeck Supérieur.
7. Delage, N. (2018). Ukukhathazeka nezindaba zakhona ebudlelwaneni bemizwa. I-Paris: I-Éditions Presses Universitaires de France.

Lezi zithenjwa zizokunikeza isisekelo esiqinile sokuhlola isihloko sokunamathiselwe kokukhathazeka.

Isiphetho – Ufanelwe okungcono

Ukuba semahlombe omuntu ophendukezela i-narcissistic ngenkathi unamathele ngokukhathazayo kuwuvivinyo olunzima. Kodwa yazi ukuthi awuwedwa futhi ufanelwe okungcono kakhulu kunalobu budlelwano obunobuthi. Ngosizo nangesikhathi, kungenzeka ukuphula la maphethini abhubhisayo futhi uzivulele ekuxhumaneni okuyiqiniso, okugcwalisayo. Unazo zonke izinsiza ngaphakathi kuwe ukuze ufike lapho.