Ingane yegolide, imbuzi yokucashela, ingane ehlatshelwe: izindima emndenini womuntu ozithanda ngokweqile

Kweminye imindeni, izingane azithandwa ngenxa yalokho eziyikho, kodwa ngenxa yendima eziyidlalayo. Omunye “uyintandokazi,” lowo owenza umzali aziqhenye. Omunye usolwa ngakho konke. Owesithathu uhlakaniphile kangangokuthi ekugcineni uyakhohlwa.

Lezi zindima azikhethwa yizingane. Zinikezwa umzali onemikhuba yokuzikhukhumeza, ngokuvamile ngaphandle kokuthi othile aziveze. Futhi zishiya uphawu lwazo isikhathi eside ngemva kokuba ingane ihambile ekhaya.

Uma ukhulele emndenini onjalo, noma uma ubona lo mkhuba uphindaphinda ezinganeni zakho, lesi sihloko sikusiza ukuthi uqonde izindima, imiphumela yazo, kanye nezindlela ezingase zilungiswe.

Kungani umzali ozithanda ngokweqile enikeza imisebenzi?

Umzali onenkinga yobuntu obuzikhukhumezayo unenkinga yokubona izingane zakhe njengabantu abahlukene. Ziba yizinto ezandisa ubudlelwano bazo: okuzenza zizizwe zibalulekile kuyakhuthazwa, okuziphazamisayo kuyaliwa.

Le Incwadi Yemiyalelo ye-MSD Isifo sobuntu esibizwa ngokuthi yi-narcissistic personality disorder sichazwa njengendlela eqhubekayo yokuzikhukhumeza, isidingo sokunconywa, kanye nokuntuleka kozwela. Akubona bonke abazali okuxoxwe ngabo lapha abanalesi sifo, kodwa abaningi babelana ngalezi zimpawu. Emndenini, lokhu kuhunyushwa kube umqondo olula: izingane zisebenzela ukuthuthukisa isithombe somzali nokugcina ukulingana kwazo.

Ukubuyekezwa okuhlelekile kwakamuva (U-Orovou nabanye, 2025, uCureus) ngomthelela womzali onesifo sokuzikhukhumeza kuhlanganisa ukuzikhukhumeza kwabazali nobudlelwano obubandayo nobungqubuzanayo phakathi komzali nomntwana, futhi ikhuluma ngokusetshenziswa kokuzikhukhumeza phakathi kwezindlela ezenza izingane zibe buthaka.

Ukuze uthole umbono ophelele wokuthi le mindeni isebenza kanjani, ungafunda isihloko sethu ku- umndeni womuntu ophambukile ngokwengqondo.

Ingane yegolide: eyintandokazi, kodwa ngaphansi kombandela

Ingane yegolide (ebizwa nangokuthi “ingane ephihliwe” noma “ingane ekhethiwe”) yileyo ebonisa kangcono isithombe umzali afuna ukusiveza. Iyaphumelela esikoleni, muhle, iyagijima, ithobekile, noma imane ifane nomzali.

Lokho abhekana nakho

• Uthola ukunakwa, ukunconywa, ngezinye izikhathi izipho.
• Amaphutha akhe ancishisiwe noma asolwa ngomunye umuntu.
• Uvame ukuvezwa njengesibonelo kwabanye abantwana.

I-flip side

Umuntu angase acabange ukuthi “ingane yegolide” iyona ephumelela kakhulu. Akulula kangako. Isimo sabo sincike ngokuphelele ekhonweni labo lokujabulisa abazali babo. Ngosuku abadumaza ngalo (ukukhetha umsebenzi, umlingani “ongafaneleki”, ukungavumelani), bangalahlekelwa yindawo yabo ngobusuku obubodwa.

Izingane eziningi ezazinamalungelo akhethekile zikhula zinokuzethemba okubuthakathaka, zincike kakhulu ekusebenzeni kahle kanye nemibono yabanye. Ezinye ziyahluleka ukuqaphela lokho okwenziwa yizingane zakubo, okwenza kube nzima ubudlelwano bomndeni lapho sezikhulile.

Imbuzi yokucashela: lowo othatha lonke icala.

Imbuzi yokucashela yingane umzali aveza kuyo konke angenakukubekezelela: intukuthelo yakhe, ukwehluleka kwakhe, ukukhungatheka kwakhe. Babizwa ngokuthi “onzima,” “ongabongiyo,” “ingane enenkinga.”

Lokho abhekana nakho

• Uyagxekwa, uqhathaniswa, futhi ujeziswa kanzima kunabanye.
• Impumelelo yakhe ayinakwa, amaphutha akhe ayeqiswa.
• Uvame ukusolwa ngokungezwani komndeni.
• Amanye amalungu omndeni ngezinye izikhathi agcina ebheka okufanayo ngaye.

Sichaza le ndlela ngokuningiliziwe esihlokweni sethu mayelana ukucashela.

Lokhu kukhiqiza ini

Imbuzi yokucashela ivame ukukhula inomuzwa ojulile wokuba “ayidingeki” noma “mubi.” Bangase babe namahloni, ukukhathazeka, kanye nokuthambekela kokuzizwa benesibopho sayo yonke into. Ngokuphambene nalokho, ngokuvamile futhi yingane ebona ngokucacile ukungasebenzi kahle komndeni ngoba izwa ngqo imiphumela yako. Ngokuvamile yibo, njengabantu abadala, abafuna usizo futhi babeke amazwi ngokwenzekile.

Ingane ehlatshelwe noma engabonakali

Phakathi kwalaba ababili, kuvame ukuba nengane yesithathu, leyo esikhuluma ngayo kancane. Ngezinye izikhathi ibizwa ngokuthi “ingane engabonakali” noma “ingane elahlekile.” Waqonda kusenesikhathi ukuthi isu elihle kakhulu lokusinda kwakuwukungadali izinkinga.

• Akaceli lutho, uzigcina ematasa, futhi uzenza angabonakali.
• Izidingo zakhe ezingokomzwelo azivamile ukubonakala.
• Angase abe ngumuntu ohlakaniphile, kodwa akekho oqaphelayo ngempela.

Igama elithi “ingane ehlatshelwe umhlatshelo” liphinde lisetshenziswe enganeni enezidingo ezinganakwa ngokuhlelekile ngenxa yomzali noma ingane enelungelo. Lo mntwana angagcina edlala indima yokuba yimfihlo noma ukusekela umzali: lokhu kwaziwa ngokuthi ukukhulisa izingane. Ingane inakekela umuntu omdala esikhundleni sokukhathalela okuphambene nalokho.

Izindima ezingashintsha

Lezi zindima azinasisekelo. Ingane enelungelo ingaba yisisulu ngobusuku obubodwa uma iphikisana nomzali. Ingane eyodwa kuphela ingashintshana phakathi kwalezi zinto ezimbili kuye ngesimo sengqondo somzali. Kweminye imindeni, omunye umzali wenza ingane eyodwa ibe yintandokazi yakhe kuyilapho omunye ekhetha enye.

Okuhlala kungaguquki ukuthi uthando lunemibandela. Kuya ngendawo ingane evumayo ukuyithatha.

Abacwaningi bafunda lesi simo ngaphansi kwegama elithi “ukuphathwa ngokwehlukana” kwezingane ngabazali bazo. Ucwaningo olwenziwe kubantu abadala abasebasha futhi lwanyatheliswa kuyi- Ijenali Yomshado Nomndeni (Jensen et al., 2013) baphawula ukuthi labo abazizwa bengasekelwa kakhulu kunabafowabo noma udadewabo babike izimpawu zokucindezeleka kakhulu, nokuthi lapho umehluko omkhulu ekwelashweni, kulapho isibopho phakathi kwabafowethu nodadewabo siba buthaka khona.

Iphethini edluliselwa

Lezi zindlela zivame ukuphinda-phinda kusukela kwesinye isizukulwane kuya kwesinye. Umzali owayeyingane enelungelo noma imbuzi yokucashelwa angase aphinde enze izindima abhekane nazo ngokungahlosile. Sihlola lesi sici esihlokweni sethu mayelana uhlangothi olumnyama lomndeni wezizukulwane eziningi.

Uma kungumama wakho owabela lezi zindima, isihloko sethu mayelana iphrofayili kamama ozithanda ngokweqile kuzokusiza ukuthi uqaphele ezinye izindlela zokuziphatha. Futhi ukuze uthole umbono obanzi, funda abazali abakhohlakele abazikhukhumezayo.

Uhlu Lokuhlola: Ukwakha kabusha isithombe sakho ngemva kwalezi zindima

Kungakhathaliseki ukuthi ubungumntwana onenhlanhla, isisulu, noma ingane engabonakali, kungenzeka ukuthi ukhululeke kuleyo ndima futhi uzitholele kabusha. Nazi ezinye izinyathelo eziqondile.

1. Khomba indima yakho. Bhala phansi ezinye zezinkumbulo ezivamile zasebuntwaneni bakho. Wadlala yiphi indima? Yini eyayilindeleke kuwe?
2. Qaphela ukuthi le ndima kwakungewona wena. “Ngangingumuntu omubi” noma “Ngangingumuntu ophelele” amalebula afakwa umuntu omdala ohluphekayo, hhayi amaqiniso ngawe.
3. Khomba ukuthi indima idlalwa kuphi namuhla. Emsebenzini, ebudlelwaneni bakho, nabangani: ingabe uzithola uthwele konke, unyamalala ngemuva, noma kudingeka ukhanye?
4. Yamukela imizwa. Intukuthelo, ukudabuka, umuzwa wecala, umona ngomfowenu noma udadewenu: le mizwa ifanele. Ayikwenzi ube umuntu omubi.
5. Beka imingcele nomzali. Ungakhetha ukuthi uxhumana kangaki kanye nohlobo luni. Abanye abantu banciphisa ukuxhumana, abanye banqamula ukuxhumana ngokuphelele. Ayikho impendulo eyodwa efanele.
6. Bheka izingane zakini ngendlela ehlukile. Umfowenu noma udadewenu naye ubambeke endimeni ethile. Lokhu kubukeka akukuphoqi ukuthi usondele, kodwa kungaba yinto eduduzayo.
7. Yakha imithombo emisha yenani. Ubudlelwano lapho wamukelwa khona ngaphandle kwemibandela, imisebenzi enencazelo kuwe.
8. Thola umuntu ozohamba nawe. Udokotela wengqondo noma uchwepheshe wezokwelapha oqeqeshwe ngezinkinga zobudlelwano angakusiza ulungise lezi zindlela ezingeni elijulile.

Futhi uma ungumzali namuhla?

Uma wabelana ngelungelo lokunakekela izingane zakho nomuntu oshade naye owayezikhukhumeza, ungase ubone lezi zindima zikhula kuye: ingane eyodwa iyathandwa, enye igxekwa. Awukwazi ukulawula konke, kodwa unganikeza indawo ekhaya lakho lapho ingane ngayinye ithandwa khona ngenxa yalokho eyikho.

• Gwema ukuqhathanisa izingane zakho.
• Yazisa umuntu ngamunye ngalokho ayikho, hhayi nje ngalokho akufezayo.
• Lalela lokho abakushoyo ngendlu yomunye umzali ngaphandle kokumbeka esimweni sokukhetha.
• Uma ingane ithathwa njengesilwane esiyisisulu, yitshele ngokucacile ukuthi ayinacala.

Imibuzo Evame Ukubuzwa

Ingabe umuntu angaba ngumntwana wegolide futhi abe yisisulu?

Yebo. Ikakhulukazi kumntwana oyedwa, noma lapho isimo sengqondo somzali noma intandokazi yakhe sishintsha. Isimo sincike kulokho ingane ekulethela umzali nganoma yisiphi isikhathi.

Kungani umfowethu, ingane yegolide, engakwazi ukubona ukuthi ngidlule kuphi?

Ngoba okuhlangenwe nakho kwakhe emndenini ofanayo kwakuhlukile kakhulu. Ukuvuma ukuhlupheka komunye umuntu kwakuzomphoqa ukuthi angabaze uthando alutholile. Lokhu kungathatha isikhathi, futhi ngezinye izikhathi kungase kungenzeki.

Ingabe kufanele unqume ubuhlobo nomzali ozithanda ngokweqile?

Kuyisinqumo somuntu siqu. Abanye abantu bathola ibhalansi ngokuxhumana okulinganiselwe, kanti abanye badinga ikhefu ukuze bazivikele. Ukusekelwa kungakusiza wenze lokhu kukhetha ngaphandle kwecala.

Ingabe imiphumela yangemva kwalokho ihlala njalo?

Cha. Amaphethini afundwa ebuntwaneni ajulile, kodwa angaguquka. Ukubeka amazwi kulokho okubonile kakade kuyisinyathelo sokuqala esibalulekile.

Ekuphethweni

Ingane yegolide, isisulu, ingane engabonakali: ayikho kulezi zindima efiselekayo. Konke kuphuca ingane uthando olungenamibandela nendawo yayo. Ukuqonda indima eyidlalile kuvumela umuntu ukuba ayeke ukuyidida nobuntu bakhe.

Unelungelo lokuzichaza ngendlela ehlukile kunalokho umndeni wakho okubikezele kuwe. Uma ungathanda ukwesekwa kule nqubo yokwakha kabusha impilo yakho, ungafunda kabanzi mayelana Ukusekela izisulu zokuhlukunyezwa okunobugovu.

Lezi ziqondiso azithathi indawo yokusekelwa kwengqondo: uma umlando womndeni wakho uthinta impilo yakho, xhumana nochwepheshe. Uma ingane isengozini, shayela ku-119 (Inombolo Yokuvikela Ingane). Uma kwenzeka isimo esiphuthumayo, shayela ku-17 noma ku-112; uma ufuna udlame olubhekiswe kwabesifazane, shayela ku-3919.

Imithombo

• Izincwadi ze-MSD (umphakathi jikelele). Isifo sobuntu esibangelwa ukuzithanda ngokweqile.
• U-Orovou E. nabanye (2025). Umphumela Wokuphazamiseka Kobuntu Kwabazali Okuzikhukhumeza Ebuhlotsheni Bomzali Nengane Nenhlalakahle Yengane: Ukubuyekezwa OkuhlelekileI-Cureus.
• UJensen AC nabanye (2013). “Impilo Ayilungile”: Ukuphathwa Kwabazali Ngokwehlukile Kwabantwana Babo AbasebashaIjenali Yomshado Nomndeni.

Izinombolo zocingo ezithi 17, 3114 no-3919 ezishiwo kuleli khasi zisebenza ezinsizeni zaseFrance.