A narcissist’s lack of empathy: signs and explanations

You told him some bad news, and he started talking about his day. You were crying, and she rolled her eyes. You were ill, and he accused you of “ruining the weekend”. Yet this same person sometimes knows exactly how you feel, to the point of using it against you.

This paradox confuses many victims. A lack of empathy is one of the most frequently cited traits of a narcissist, but it is more complicated than simply “having no heart”. In this article, we look at what empathy really means, how it is affected in narcissists, which signs should alert you, and how to protect yourself.

Empathy: what exactly does it mean?

Empathy is the ability to understand and feel what another person is experiencing. Researchers generally distinguish two dimensions:

• Cognitive empathy: understanding what someone else thinks or feels. It is a form of “reading”: “I can see that you are sad”.
• Emotional (or affective) empathy: being moved by someone else’s feelings and experiencing an emotional response yourself: “Your sadness affects me; I want to help you”.

In a healthy relationship, the two go together: I understand what you are going through, and it matters to me. For a fuller explanation, see our article on the definition of empathy.

A narcissist’s lack of empathy: what research says

The French term “pervers narcissique” is not an official diagnosis, but it describes many traits shared with narcissistic personality disorder, for which more research is available. Studies of this disorder challenge the idea that empathy is completely absent.

A review published in Personality Disorders in 2014 by Arielle Baskin-Sommers and colleagues explains that empathy in people with narcissistic personality disorder is not simply deficient, but dysfunctional: it varies depending on motivation and the situation. Studies tend to associate this disorder with reduced emotional empathy and cognitive empathy that functions but is used in a distorted way.

A 2023 narrative review in Frontiers in Psychiatry reaches a similar conclusion: the affective component of empathy appears more impaired, while the cognitive component seems preserved. The authors emphasise that this cognitive empathy plays an important role in exploiting and manipulating others.

This sheds light on the paradox so many victims experience: he understands how you feel, but it does not move him. Worse still, that understanding can become a tool. He knows where to press to hurt you, what to say to draw you back, and which compliment will disarm you.

This interpretation echoes Marie-France Hirigoyen’s clinical description: the narcissist uses the other person as an object, without regard for their suffering. Our article on empathy in the face of narcissistic abuse explores this dynamic further.

Everyday signs of a lack of empathy

These are some of the most frequently reported behaviours. In isolation, they can happen to anyone. It is their repetition that should alert you.

In response to your suffering

• Indifference: your tears, tiredness or illness prompt neither comfort nor help.
• Minimising: “You’re making a big deal out of it”, “It’s nothing”.
• Irritation: your suffering is experienced as an inconvenience, or even as an attack on him.
• Taking over: the conversation always returns to him, his problems and what he is going through.

In response to your happiness

• little interest in your achievements;
• coldness, criticism or an argument when you share good news;
• taking credit: your success becomes his.

In the way they treat you

• Calculated cruelty: he strikes exactly where you are vulnerable;
• No genuine remorse: apologies, when they happen, mainly serve to close the subject;
• Punishment through silence: he ignores you for days without concern for your distress (see our article on the silent treatment);
• Using other people: people are valued while they are useful, then pushed aside.

Empathy “for show”

What is most confusing is that a narcissist may appear very caring in public or at the beginning of a relationship. This apparent empathy is part of the seduction: it is not false in the sense that he understands nothing, but it serves his image and objectives. When it no longer benefits him, it disappears.

What causes a lack of empathy?

There are many possible causes, and they are still debated. They include:

• difficult early experiences (deprivation, abuse, or a narcissistic parent);
• defence mechanisms: disconnecting from one’s own emotions to avoid suffering, and therefore from other people’s emotions too;
• temperament and personality factors;
• a need for superiority that makes another person’s vulnerability seem contemptible rather than moving.

Understanding these causes may help you make sense of what you have experienced. But understanding does not mean excusing, and it is not your responsibility to “repair” his empathy.

Someone without empathy, or simply someone who is awkward?

It is important not to label everyone who occasionally lacks tact a “narcissist”. Some people struggle to express their emotions; others are overwhelmed by their own difficulties; still others have a different neurological way of functioning (for example, some autistic people may find it difficult to read emotions but be deeply affected once they understand them). The key difference is that an awkward person cares about you when they realise they have hurt you. A narcissist, however, often understands perfectly well and continues.

How to protect yourself from someone who lacks empathy: 7 habits

1. Stop waiting for a reaction that will not come. Hoping that he will finally understand your pain keeps you waiting and frustrated.
2. Protect your vulnerabilities. Avoid sharing your sensitive points with someone who might use them against you.
3. Seek comfort elsewhere. Friends, family, a support group or a professional can give you the listening ear you need.
4. Stick to the facts. In necessary exchanges, discuss facts and decisions rather than your emotions.
5. Set clear boundaries. “I will not continue this conversation if you speak to me like that.” And uphold them.
6. Rebuild your self-esteem. Years of facing indifference leave their mark. Our article on a lack of self-confidence offers some ideas.
7. Get support, especially if you are considering leaving or share children with this person.

Checklist: is a lack of empathy hurting you?

• ☐ I no longer dare to discuss my difficulties with my partner.
• ☐ My emotions are often minimised or mocked.
• ☐ They know exactly where to strike when they want to hurt me.
• ☐ Apologies are never followed by change.
• ☐ I feel alone even when we are together.
• ☐ I wonder whether I am “too sensitive”.

This last point is common among victims: when their emotions are repeatedly ignored, they eventually start questioning whether those feelings are valid. Your sensitivity is not the problem. If, on the other hand, you tend to absorb too much of other people’s emotions, our article on excessive empathy may resonate with you. And if this indifference makes you angry, know that your anger is legitimate: see empathy and anger.

Health note: living with someone who lacks empathy can lead to anxiety, exhaustion and depressive symptoms. Talk to your doctor or a psychologist. In situations involving danger or violence, the numbers given for France are 3919, 17 or 112.

Frequently asked questions

Does a narcissist really feel anything?

They experience emotions, particularly those centred on themselves: anger, shame, frustration and a need for admiration. What appears to be impaired is mainly the ability to be moved by other people’s experiences.

Can a narcissist learn empathy?

Some research suggests that therapeutic work can improve the affective aspects of empathy, but this requires a sincere desire from the person themselves. It is neither your role nor within your power.

Is a lack of empathy an illness?

It is not an illness in itself, but a trait that can occur in several personality disorders. Only a professional can assess an individual situation.

How can I tell whether my partner lacks empathy or is simply awkward?

Observe what happens when you tell them they have hurt you: an awkward person tries to understand and make things right; someone who lacks empathy minimises, justifies themselves or turns the situation against you.

Conclusion

A narcissist’s lack of empathy is not an inability to understand, but an absence of emotional resonance, sometimes used as a weapon. Recognising it frees you from an exhausting wait and allows you to seek the warmth you need elsewhere. You deserve to be heard. To understand how this trait plays out in a relationship, also read narcissistic manipulation in a couple. And if you would like support as you rebuild your life, explore coaching for victims of narcissistic abuse.

Sources

• Baskin-Sommers A. et al., “Empathy in narcissistic personality disorder: from clinical and empirical perspectives”, Personality Disorders, 2014: PMC4415495
• Di Giacomo E. et al., “The dark side of empathy in narcissistic personality disorder”, Frontiers in Psychiatry, 2023: PMC10097942
• Marie-France Hirigoyen, Le Harcèlement moral : la violence perverse au quotidien, Syros, 1998.