Blame-shifting: when a narcissist accuses you of their own behaviour

You want to discuss a humiliating remark, a lie or someone accessing your phone without permission. A few minutes later, the conversation is about your character, your jealousy or the way you speak. You end up apologising, even though the original issue has never been addressed.

This shift in responsibility is often called blame-shifting. It can occur in a relationship described as narcissistic, but also in other settings. Understanding this mechanism helps you return to the facts and seek support without having to diagnose the other person.

The term “narcissist” is used here in its everyday sense. This article describes behaviour within relationships; it cannot diagnose a personality disorder or determine, on its own, who is right in a particular situation.

What is blame-shifting?

Blame-shifting means turning an accusation back on the person making it. Instead of addressing the behaviour raised, the other person places the blame on them or presents themselves as the injured party. The original issue disappears behind a new accusation.

Here is a fictional example: you say, “You read my messages without my permission.” The reply becomes, “If you had nothing to hide, it wouldn’t bother you.” The question of consent is replaced by an accusation that you are hiding something. You find yourself having to prove your honesty when you were asking for your privacy to be respected.

A single defensive reaction is not enough to establish manipulation. Useful indicators include repetition, a failure to make amends, fear of speaking up and the ways these exchanges restrict your freedom.

The link with DARVO: deny, attack, reverse the roles

Psychologist Jennifer Freyd proposed the concept of DARVO to describe certain reactions to being challenged: denying what happened, attacking the person who reports it, then reversing the roles of victim and perpetrator. Her presentation of the concept and the research provides a direct source for understanding this model.

• Deny: “I never said that.”
• Attack: “You’re inventing problems. You’re unstable.”
• Reverse the roles: “I’m the one suffering from your accusations.”

These statements are fictional illustrations, not a test. DARVO describes a possible response pattern; it proves neither someone’s guilt nor a diagnosis of narcissism. Harsey and Freyd’s 2020 study examines, among other things, how this type of response affects observers’ judgements in experimental scenarios. These findings cannot settle an individual dispute.

What forms can this reversal take?

Making your reaction the only issue

After several hurtful remarks, you raise your voice. The other person talks only about your tone: “See how you’re attacking me?” You can acknowledge a reaction you regret while keeping the original issue on the table. Your responsibility for your words and the other person’s responsibility for theirs are separate matters.

Treating a boundary as proof of unkindness

You refuse to share your passwords, lend money or respond while you are working. That refusal becomes “You’re selfish” or “You don’t love me.” A boundary can be unwelcome without being an attack. Seeing whether it is eventually respected is more useful than debating your moral worth at length.

Accusing you of their own behaviour

Someone who monitors you may accuse you of trying to control them. This situation is sometimes compared with psychological projection. However, a few statements cannot reveal their inner motives. Describe what you can observe: who checked the phone, who made threats and who stopped someone from going somewhere.

Turning friends and family against you

The account given to friends and family may leave out the original events and show only your reaction. You do not have to convince everyone immediately. Choose someone you trust and describe a specific situation in context, rather than getting drawn into repeated public exchanges.

Blame-shifting, gaslighting and guilt-tripping: what is the difference?

These mechanisms can overlap, but they do not describe exactly the same thing. With blame-shifting, responsibility is turned back on you. With gaslighting, someone may be led to doubt their perception of events. Guilt-tripping seeks to burden them with blame or an emotional debt. For other forms of shifting responsibility, see also turning the tables in a relationship.

The precise name matters less than the practical effect: can you raise a problem, be heard and see a change? Or do you regularly abandon your request to avoid retaliation?

How can you respond without getting trapped in defending yourself?

The following suggestions are practical pointers to adapt to your situation. No phrase guarantees a calm reaction. If you fear violence, seek help and somewhere safe first.

1. Return to a specific fact. “I’m talking about the message sent yesterday, not my personality.” Avoid broad accusations that open up several arguments at once.
2. Separate the issues. “We can come back to my tone. Right now, I’m asking you to stop reading my messages.” Acknowledging your own mistake does not cancel your boundary.
3. Limit the conversation. If the conversation keeps returning to insults, you can end it when it is safe to do so: “I’ll come back to this discussion when there are no insults.”
4. Keep a record outside the conversation. If doing so does not put you at risk, note the date, the facts and the words you remember. Keep existing messages somewhere the other person cannot access. Ask a professional for advice about any potential use as legal evidence.
5. Ask for an outside perspective. A victim support organisation or a professional can help you examine the situation and your options without requiring you to prove first that the other person is a “narcissist”.

If your device is monitored, keeping notes or looking for help can leave traces. Where possible, use a safe device and speak confidentially with a support organisation. Do not provoke a confrontation to obtain an admission.

How can you distinguish a disagreement from an abusive pattern?

In a disagreement, both people can defend their account. The ability to acknowledge a mistake, listen to a boundary and change behaviour remains essential. A worrying pattern emerges when humiliation or threats recur, every discussion leads to punishment and you constantly adjust your life to avoid feeling afraid.

Do not judge an apology solely by how well it is expressed. Look at actions over time. Kind words followed by the same controlling behaviour do not resolve the problem. Conversely, a clumsy exchange followed by genuine efforts to make amends calls for a more nuanced interpretation.

Where can you seek help in France?

If you are in immediate danger, call 17 or 112. If you cannot speak aloud, you can contact 114 by text message. 3919 provides a listening and referral service for women affected by violence and those close to them; it is not an emergency number. 116 006 is a victim support service. Details and procedures are explained on Service Public: domestic violence.

You can ask for help even if you are unsure what word to use and even if you have not decided to leave. The aim is to regain safety, a sense of perspective and the ability to make choices.

Frequently asked questions

Is someone who turns accusations back on you necessarily a narcissist?

No. This behaviour alone is not enough to identify a personality disorder. Examine the facts, how often they recur and their consequences, rather than trying to diagnose someone from a distance.

What if I shouted or said something hurtful myself?

You can take responsibility for that without accepting responsibility for everything that happened. A professional can help you understand the context, the risks and the changes needed.

Should you tell the other person they are using DARVO?

Naming the concept does not make the other person acknowledge their actions and may escalate a confrontation. A concrete boundary and outside support are often more useful than a debate about a label.

Sources and limitations

• Jennifer J. Freyd: the definition of DARVO and research references.
• Harsey and Freyd (2020), DARVO and perceptions of credibility, Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma.
• Service Public: domestic violence and support services.
• Arrêtons les violences: violence within couples.

Sources consulted on 4 October 2026. The examples are fictional. This information does not replace medical, psychological or legal advice.