My daughter is under the influence of a narcissist: what should I do as a parent?

She calls less often. She cancels family meals at the last minute. She seems tired, tense, she’s lost weight, or conversely, she’s neglecting her appearance. When you question her, she defends her partner with an energy that worries you. And you, the parent, helplessly witness what you suspect: your daughter is under the influence of a manipulator.

This is a particularly painful situation. Your daughter is an adult; she has the right to make her own choices. But you see her fading away. What can you do without losing her? How can you help her without pushing her even further towards him?

This article gives you concrete guidelines to recognize the influence, understand why your daughter does not “see” what you see, and adopt an attitude that keeps the door open.

Signs that should alert you

The influence is not always visible at first glance. Rather, it is gradual changes which, taken together, paint a disturbing picture.

Changes in the relationship with you

• She sees you less and less, often with vague excuses.
• When you’re together, he’s always present, or she’s constantly checking her phone.
• She seems to be repeating your words to her partner, who then becomes angry with you.
• She repeats criticisms of you that are not like her: “You have always been intrusive,” “You have never supported me.”

The changes at her place

• She lost her joy of life, her humor, her spontaneity.
• She doubts herself, apologizes constantly, and asks permission for simple things.
• She gave up activities, friends, sometimes even her job.
• She no longer has free access to her money.
• She seems anxious, exhausted, or has new health problems.

What you observe in him

• He’s charming to you, but you sense something’s off.
• He takes it up again, corrects it, ridicules it in front of you, “for laughs”.
• He decides for her, speaks in her place.
• He is portraying himself as a victim of your family.

To better understand this profile, you can read our article. My boyfriend is a narcissist.Written from the victim’s point of view, it can also help you understand what she is experiencing from the inside.

Why can’t your daughter see what you see?

This is the question that comes up most often among parents. “She’s intelligent, how can she accept this?” The answer lies in the way control works, which has nothing to do with intelligence.

The relationship began like a dream

At first, he was attentive, admiring, and very present. Your daughter cherishes this image and hopes to see it again. Every tender moment rekindles that hope.

The devaluation undermined his confidence

Months of hurtful remarks finally convinced her that she was too sensitive, not good enough, and lucky he put up with her. This mechanism is described in our article on devaluation within the couple.

Isolation has severed his bearings.

The less she sees her loved ones, the fewer points of comparison she has. Her reality is filtered through him. We detail this process in our article on social isolation.

Shame and fear

She may be ashamed of what she’s going through, afraid of disappointing you, afraid of his reaction if she confides in him. Acknowledging the control he’s exerting also means admitting she was wrong, which is very painful.

Research on coercive control clearly describes these mechanisms of isolation, surveillance, and dependence. A meta-analysis (Lohmann et al., 2024) links exposure to coercive control with symptoms of post-traumatic stress and depression. A recent study conducted with relatives of highly narcissistic individuals (Day et al., 2025) links pathological narcissism to coercive control in the relationship.

To understand more deeply what’s going on in his head, read our article on psychological control.

Mistakes to avoid

When we see our child suffering, we want to act quickly and decisively. However, some reactions, even those full of love, risk pushing them further away.

• To attack one’s partner directly. “He’s a pervert, leave him!” She will feel obliged to defend him, and he will have proof that you are “against them.”
• To issue an ultimatum. “It’s him or us.” Under his influence, she risks choosing him, and finding herself even more isolated.
• To judge her. “How can you accept this?” Shame will silence her.
• Tell him everything at once. A list of criticisms leveled against him will be perceived as an attack.
• To cut off contact out of discouragement. That’s exactly what a manipulator wants.

Checklist: How to help your daughter without losing her

1. Maintain the connection, no matter what. Regular calls, short messages, simple invitations. Even if she often refuses, let her know that the door is open.
2. Talk about her, not him. “You look tired, how are you?” rather than “He’s treating you badly.”
3. Ask open-ended questions. “How are you feeling in your relationship?” “What makes you happy right now?” Let her come to her own conclusions.
4. Remind her who she is. Talk about her qualities, her passions, her successes. You are helping her rebuild the self-image that he is trying to damage.
5. Stay a safe place. Tell him clearly: “Whatever happens, you can come here, no explanation, no blame.”
6. Discreetly prepare a safety net. A spare room, some money saved up, the contact details of an association, of a lawyer.
7. Get informed. Understanding the dynamics of manipulation will help you remain patient and not take their reactions personally.
8. Take care of yourself. Seeing your child suffer is exhausting. Talk to a professional or other parents who are going through the same thing.

You will find more tips in our article How to help a victim of a narcissist.

When there is danger

Sometimes, this control is accompanied by physical violence, threats, or you fear for the safety of your daughter or her children. In this case, patience is no longer enough.

• In case of immediate danger, call 17 or 112.
• The 3919 (Women’s Violence Information) service also responds to relatives of victims: you can call for advice.
• The official website Let’s stop the violence lists associations and services near you.
• If children are exposed to violence, 119 (Allô enfance en danger) can be contacted.

Since your daughter is an adult, most legal steps (filing a complaint, obtaining a protection order) will have to come from her. But your support, your testimony, and your material assistance can make all the difference when she decides to take action.

And if she has children?

When your daughter becomes a mother, your worries are twofold: you also think about your grandchildren. Here again, the temptation is strong to intervene directly. Yet, your most valuable role often remains that of a stable and reassuring grandparent.

• Offer to babysit regularly: it’s a moment of respite for your daughter and a safe space for them.
• Listen to what they say without questioning them or criticizing their father in front of them.
• Discreetly note down what worries you (words, behaviors, marks), along with the dates.
• If you see a child in danger, don’t keep this information to yourself: 119 is there for that.

Your presence shows children that there are other, gentler and safer ways to experience a relationship.

The day she leaves

If your daughter decides to leave her partner, the period that follows is often difficult. He may try to win her back with promises, threats, or by playing the victim. She may have doubts and want to return. This is common, and it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

Continue to be there for her, but avoid saying things like, “I told you so.” Provide practical help: housing, paperwork, childcare. Encourage her to seek professional support to rebuild her life.

FAQ

Should I tell my daughter that her partner is a narcissist?

It’s best to avoid labels, especially at the beginning. They often trigger a defensive reaction. Instead, talk about what you observe in her and how you feel.

My daughter has cut me off under her influence. What should I do?

Remain discreetly present: send her an occasional message, without reproach, so she knows you’re there. Relationships severed under duress often mend when the victim begins to see the light.

Can I file a complaint on behalf of my daughter?

For an adult victim, it is generally the victim who files a complaint. However, you can report a dangerous situation to the police and provide testimony. A lawyer or an association can advise you on what options are available in your case.

How long does it take for her to realize?

There is no set timeframe. It can take months, sometimes years. Your role is not to force it, but to be there when it is ready.

Conclusion

Seeing your daughter under the control of a manipulator is an ordeal that requires a great deal of love and patience. You can’t get her out of there for her. But you can remain that solid anchor she can return to.

If you, too, need support to get through this period or to better understand manipulation, you can discover the support offered for relationships with a narcissist.

For legal assistance, contact a lawyer or a victim support organization. If your own health is affected, consult a professional. In case of danger: 3919, 17 or 112.

Sources

• Lohmann S. et al. (2024). The Trauma and Mental Health Impacts of Coercive Control: A Systematic Review and Meta-AnalysisTrauma, Violence & Abuse.
• Day NJS et al. (2025). Coercive Control and Intimate Partner Violence: Relationship With Personality Disorder Severity and Pathological Narcissism. Personality and Mental Health.
• Government. Let’s stop the violence: domestic violence.