Golden child, scapegoat and sacrificed child: roles in a narcissist’s family

In some families, children are not loved for who they are, but for the role they play. One is the “favorite,” the one who makes the parent proud. Another is the one who is blamed for everything. A third is so discreet that they are eventually forgotten.

These roles are not chosen by the children. They are assigned by a parent with narcissistic tendencies, often without anyone articulating it. And they leave their mark long after the child leaves home.

If you grew up in such a family, or if you see this pattern repeating itself with your own children, this article helps you understand the roles, their consequences, and possible paths to repair.

Why does the narcissistic parent assign roles?

A parent with narcissistic personality disorder has difficulty seeing their children as separate individuals. They become extensions of themselves: what makes them feel valued is encouraged, what disturbs them is rejected.

Le MSD Manual Narcissistic personality disorder is described as a persistent pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Not all the parents discussed here have this diagnosis, but many share these traits. Within a family, this translates into a simple logic: children serve to enhance the parent’s image and maintain their equilibrium.

A recent systematic review (Orovou et al., 2025, Cureus) on the impact of a parent with narcissistic disorder associates parental narcissism with colder and more conflictual parent-child relationships, and cites the use of scapegoating among the mechanisms that weaken children.

For an overview of how these families function, you can read our article on the family of the narcissist.

The golden child: the favorite, but on condition

The golden child (also called the “spoiled child” or “chosen child”) is the one who best reflects the image the parent wants to project. He succeeds at school, is beautiful, athletic, docile, or simply resembles the parent.

What he experienced

• He receives attention, compliments, sometimes gifts.
• His mistakes are minimized or blamed on someone else.
• He is often presented as a role model to other children.

The flip side

One might think that the “golden child” is the big winner. It’s not that simple. Their status depends entirely on their ability to please their parent. The day they disappoint (a career choice, an “unsuitable” partner, a disagreement), they can lose their place overnight.

Many former privileged children grow up with fragile self-esteem, heavily dependent on performance and the opinions of others. Some struggle to recognize what their siblings experienced, which complicates family relationships in adulthood.

The scapegoat: the one who takes all the blame.

The scapegoat is the child onto whom the parent projects everything they cannot tolerate: their anger, their failures, their frustrations. They are labeled as “the difficult one,” “the ungrateful one,” “the problem child.”

What he experienced

• He is criticized, compared, and punished more severely than others.
• His successes are ignored, his mistakes exaggerated.
• He is often blamed for family tensions.
• Other family members sometimes end up adopting the same view of him.

We explain this mechanism in detail in our article on scapegoating.

What this produces

The scapegoat often grows up with a deep-seated feeling of being “unnecessary” or “bad.” They may develop shame, anxiety, and a tendency to feel responsible for everything. Paradoxically, it is also often the child who most clearly sees the family dysfunction because they directly experience its effects. It is frequently they who, as adults, seek help and put words to what happened.

The sacrificed or invisible child

Between the two, there is often a third child, the one we talk about less. He is sometimes called the “invisible child” or the “lost child.” He understood very early on that the best strategy for survival was not to cause any trouble.

• He asks for nothing, keeps himself busy, and makes himself invisible.
• Her emotional needs are rarely seen.
• He may be brilliant, but nobody really notices.

The term “sacrificed child” is also used for a child whose needs are systematically neglected in favor of the parent or the privileged child. This child may end up playing the role of confidant or support for the parent: this is known as parentification. The child takes care of the adult instead of the other way around.

Roles that can change

These roles are not fixed. A privileged child can become a scapegoat overnight if they oppose a parent. An only child can alternate between the two depending on the parent’s mood. In some families, one parent makes one child their favorite while the other chooses another.

What remains constant is that love is conditional. It depends on the place the child agrees to occupy.

Researchers are studying this phenomenon under the name “differential treatment” of children by their parents. A study conducted with young adults and published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (Jensen et al., 2013) observed that those who felt less supported than their brother or sister reported more depressive symptoms, and that the greater the differences in treatment, the weaker the bond between brothers and sisters.

A pattern that is passed on

These patterns often repeat themselves from one generation to the next. A parent who was themselves a privileged child or a scapegoat may unintentionally reproduce the roles they experienced. We explore this dimension in our article on the dark side of the multigenerational family.

If it was your mother who assigned the roles, our article on the profile of a narcissistic mother will help you recognize other behaviors. And for a broader perspective, read narcissistic parents.

Checklist: Rebuilding your self-image after these roles

Whether you were a privileged child, a scapegoat, or an invisible child, it’s possible to break free from that role and rediscover yourself. Here are some concrete steps.

1. Identify your role. Write down some typical memories from your childhood. What role did you play? What was expected of you?
2. Recognize that this role was not you. “I was the bad one” or “I was the perfect one” are labels put on by a suffering adult, not truths about you.
3. Identify where the role is being replayed today. At work, in your relationship, with friends: do you find yourself carrying everything, fading into the background, or having to shine?
4. Welcome the emotions. Anger, sadness, guilt, jealousy towards a brother or sister: these are legitimate feelings. They don’t make you a bad person.
5. Set boundaries with the parent. You can choose the frequency and nature of contact. Some people reduce communication, others cut off contact altogether. There is no single right answer.
6. Look at your siblings differently. Your brother or sister has also been caught up in a role. This look doesn’t force you to get closer, but it can be soothing.
7. Build new sources of value. Relationships where you are accepted unconditionally, activities that have meaning for you.
8. Get someone to accompany you. A psychologist or therapist trained in relational trauma can help you undo these patterns at a deep level.

And if you are a parent today?

If you share custody of your children with a narcissistic ex-spouse, you may observe these roles developing in him: one child favored, another criticized. You can’t control everything, but you can provide a space in your home where each child is loved for who they are.

• Avoid comparing your children.
• Value each person for who they are, not just for what they achieve.
• Listen to what they say about the other parent’s house without putting them in a position to choose.
• If a child is singled out as a scapegoat, tell them clearly that they are not responsible.

FAQ

Can one be both a golden child and a scapegoat?

Yes. Especially for an only child, or when the parent’s mood or favorite changes. The status depends on what the child brings to the parent at any given time.

Why can’t my brother, the golden child, see what I’ve been through?

Because his experience within the same family was very different. Acknowledging the other person’s suffering would also force him to question the love he received. This can take time, and sometimes it may never happen.

Should you cut ties with a narcissistic parent?

It’s a personal decision. Some people find a balance with limited contact, while others need a break to protect themselves. Support can help you make this choice without guilt.

Are the after-effects permanent?

No. Patterns learned in childhood are deep-seated, but they can evolve. Putting words to what you have experienced is already an important first step.

Conclusion

Golden child, scapegoat, invisible child: none of these roles is enviable. All deprive the child of unconditional love and a place of their own. Understanding the role one has played allows one to stop confusing it with one’s identity.

You have the right to define yourself differently than by what your family has projected onto you. If you would like support in this process of rebuilding your life, you can learn more about Supporting victims of narcissistic abuse.

These guidelines are not a substitute for psychological support: if your family history is affecting your health, consult a professional. If a child is in danger, call 119 (Child Protection Hotline). In case of emergency, dial 17 or 112; for violence against women, call 3919.

Sources

• MSD manuals (general public). Narcissistic personality disorder.
• Orovou E. et al. (2025). Impact of Parental Narcissistic Personality Disorder on Parent-Child Relationship Quality and Child Well-Being: A Systematic ReviewCureus.
• Jensen AC et al. (2013). “Life Still Isn’t Fair”: Parental Differential Treatment of Young Adult Siblings. Journal of Marriage and Family.